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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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This Gap Sweater Is Fucking Awesome

So, I'm in the Gap, right? The new fall line is out, and I'm looking at the standard fit, straight-leg jeans. And these fuckers are just awesome. They sit real nice just below the waist, are slightly loose through the leg, and come in four stellar washes—even though as far as I'm concerned, the lighter washes are complete bullshit, but whatever. We'll save that for another time.

Now, I'm not going to say there was anything supernatural involved, but all of a sudden it was like the clouds parted and the angels started trumpeting hallelujah or something and my eyes just slammed in the direction of a mannequin wearing the sweetest fucking navy blue V-neck sweater I have ever seen.

Talk about a perfect goddamn sweater. I may have been 20 feet away from the display, but I was already thinking about how I would wear that fucker. Would I go classic Garrett Alford and wear a white T-shirt underneath, or would I maybe get a little crazy, wait for the perfect fall day, and bust out my plaid shorts? Sweater with shorts. Pretty awesome, right? Most people would balk at such a combination, but I wasn't fucking around. And with its unbelievably versatile wool polyblend, dry-clean-only material, the sweater wasn't fucking around, either—especially not at $39.95.

You gotta love the Gap. Got to!

At first I played it cool, as if the sweater were just some stupid fucking American Eagle T-shirt. But when the sales associate told me he didn't have my size in the back, I seriously almost flipped my shit. I should have seen this coming because—and I'm not trying to brag or anything—I wear medium, which is a pretty popular size. So I went to check the mannequin, and, lo and behold, the son of a bitch was wearing a medium. But he wasn't just wearing the sweater. He was doing everything right with that sweater. Everything. It was as if the mannequin intrinsically knew all the nuances of how the sweater should be worn and understood on a deeper level exactly why I would be attracted to that particular garment. What became completely fucking undeniable at that moment was that the sweater worked on two levels. I'll say it again: two levels.

Let me explain.

The mannequin had on a pair of jeans with a couple small rips in the denim, and a button-down white shirt that wasn't tucked in. Now, you see these two pieces of clothing on their own and you think, "This guy's a dickhead." But throw in that navy blue V-neck, and suddenly we got an interesting fucking dichotomy going on. Did this guy wake up, throw on some clothes, and just happen to look awesome? Or—or—is he about to go out to a bar and be the envy of everyone who is too dressed up or not dressed up enough? Either way, the guy's golden. He cares, but he doesn't. Two levels.

But as good as the mannequin was, he could never figure out how to amp up those two levels enough to take that sweater to the max. That's where I come in like a fucking freight train. See, even though I am in no way gay, I knew the sweater had the potential to make me look handsome: By tucking in the shirt and adding a tie, I become this suave gentleman who your parents are going to lose their shit over. Or, I go the complete opposite direction by wearing tennis shoes and a baseball cap, and keeping the cuffs of the collared shirt unbuttoned, in plain view, so everyone can see that I'm a guy who doesn't give a flying fuck if his cuffs are buttoned or not.

Understand? We have here an entire look, a fully formed lifestyle, flowing directly from that navy blue V-neck sweater.

I asked the Gap employee if I could have the mannequin's sweater. Though he insisted it was against store policy, he listened to all the things I wanted to do with the sweater, and how I needed it for a date I was going on later that night. He must have really appreciated my passion because he pissed all over that store policy and let me buy it. Of course, I didn't really have a date, but now that I've got this sweater, I'm sure it won't be long. That's a fucking guarantee.

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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