Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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This International Space Station Is A Pig Sty

Flight Engineer Oleg Kononenko, pay attention. And make sure Commander Sergei Volkov and spaceflight participant Yi So-yeon hear this, too. I don't care if So-yeon is taking a space walk to calibrate the solar panels. I want her to listen up. We need to have a serious International Space Station talk.

Just look at this mess! It's a disgrace. Is this any way for humans to live in outer space? There are used food tubes everywhere, dirty space suits hanging all over the place, and the automated transfer vehicle from last week is still in the loading dock. Honestly, I hoped you would take some pride in the greatest orbital research platform in history. But it looks like you're set on treating it like some sort of rumpus room.

For Pete's sake—take a little pride in where you live! Have you been in the transfer compartment lately? I'd be surprised if you could even get in there, since there's not even a path that you can walk through to get to it. I swear, it looks like a meteor shower went through here. That may fly in your countries, but when you're with me in the deep reaches of space, that just doesn't cut it.

All I want is to have a nice, clean space station for two minutes put together. Is that too much to ask?

The crew of the Space Shuttle Discovery is coming over in a few weeks and it looks like a disaster area in here. What am I supposed to tell them, that we didn't know they were coming? Do you want to embarrass me in front of NASA? They're bringing new lab equipment with them, and now there's nowhere to put it!

So-yeon, don't think you're getting out of it this time. How hard can it be to pick up your coarsening in solid-liquid experiment-2 materials? Especially when you're in a zero-gravity environment! Maybe if you spent a little more time cleaning up after yourself and a little less time maintaining communications with Earth, this place wouldn't be such a wreck.

When you get old enough to have your own space station, you can treat it however you want. But while you're in my pressurized modules, you will live by my rules!

When is the last time any of you dusted the control moment gyroscopes? Or swept under the Solar Alpha Rotary Joint? You know what, forget it. I'm wasting my breath. If you're not going to take care of the Elektron system that provides oxygen for the entire station, then we're not going to have one anymore. It's just that simple.

All I'm asking for is just a little effort. Sergei, just the other day, you came in from God knows where, tracking comet dust all over the Zvezda service module, and leaving the airlock open behind you like you were born in a barn. You can play loosey-goosey all you want when you're back home, but I will not be sucked into the cold, dark vacuum of space just because you were too lazy to close a door.

Not to mention the draft you're letting in. Criminy! I'm not trying to heat all of the Milky Way.

You better straighten up, because I'm not going to be around to pick up after you forever, you know. Someday, I'll be gone, and then where will you be? I'm sure as heck not going to be here to hang up your space suits once I've been fully debriefed back on Earth. And when you're on your own, I bet you dollars to doughnuts you'll be sorry that you didn't mind me when you had the chance.†

There are going to be some big changes around here, believe you me. Starting today, when you leave the space station to go hang out with your friends by the new docking target, you're going to tell me when I can expect you back. You're going to turn off the lights when you leave a module, and that's final. The combined space agencies of 15 different countries aren't made of money, you know.

I love you astronauts, but sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of my tether. I worry so much about all of you, and all I want is just a little help around the space station. Now, get in here for a big space-hug.


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