This Is Not The Time For Compassion And Healing

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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
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This Is Not The Time For Compassion And Healing

Citizens, friends, and neighbors, we have come together today to reflect on recent events which have deeply wounded this community, and which will no doubt resonate with all of us for a long time to come. You are all undoubtedly feeling many complicated emotions right now—anger, confusion, resentment. But I would like for you to keep one thing in mind: This is not the time for compassion and healing.

Although Scoutmaster Holland's appalling actions have in some way hurt each and every one of us, we must not offer each other comfort and support. We must not cooperate to get through this difficult time together. Nor should we reflect on those blessings we do have—those of community, family, and friends. Rather, we must act out of petty self-interest and blind, irrational anger.

This is no time to turn to each other and share in our grief. This is a time for bitter, divisive accusation. It is a time to say things so terrible, they will give birth to grudges that we'll nurse for decades. This isn't the time to move forward or to forgive past wrongdoings. It is the time to hate, seethe, and wallow.

This tragedy could open the doors to change and renewal. We could seize the opportunity to exchange ideas on how to improve and safeguard our children's futures. But instead, let's exchange angry recriminations and engage in childish name-calling. Mrs. Dailey, earlier, you told me that Ms. McInnes was a bad mother. Saying that to me behind her back is one thing, but why not say it again before everyone?

As I look around at the anguished, questioning faces in the room, I see a real need for guidance and unity. Well, I'm afraid this is neither the time nor the place for that. For now, we must simply pick ourselves up and carry on with the business of finger-pointing and buck-passing. We must set about—and I'll tell you, I've been doing a whole lot of this—marveling at how certain troop leaders could really be as oblivious as they claim. From this day forward, let us make "alienation" our watchword. Gandhi said that "forgiveness is the attribute of the strong," but I'll bet Gandhi's kid was never touched in the woods on a camping trip.

Fine, "allegedly" touched.

We have convened this meeting not to console each other, not to find solace in numbers, but to get a good look at the lying, guilty faces of those who should have done something but didn't. Let us unleash our unbridled rage hither and thither until every last bit of acrimony is expressed, which probably won't be any time soon. Mrs. Dailey, could you maybe shut your mouth for three seconds and let me finish?

Some among you might be clinging to that old saw "innocent until proven guilty." To those people, I say, "Where were your high-minded ideals when your best friend and racquetball partner told you that sometimes he didn't trust himself around children, Terry?" Seriously, I'd like an answer to that. Oh, what a surprise. Terry's not here. Terry's probably, what? Polishing his car or buying himself something, like he probably was when his own kid was getting stroked in a field. I'm sorry, but after all, it's what we're here for.

Some of you may be asking "Why, God? Why my boy? What did he do to deserve this?" Some of you may be searching your hearts for understanding and insight. Many of you may have turned to God or family. Friends: Abandon fruitless searches. The molesting gym coach isn't inside you. Turn your search for scapegoats and excuses outward... You didn't hear it from me, but I don't think revenge is completely off the table, either.

Perhaps, years from now, you will find yourselves at peace with this tragedy, and see that the trials of today gave us strength, which in turn enriched our tomorrows. Who knows, maybe you and Mr. Holland will go bowling together. Or, I know, perhaps you'll put him in charge of a whole bunch of pre-adolescent boys and send them into the woods, huh, Mark? No, you're the son of a bitch, Mark.

Any time any place, my friend. That's what I thought.

Friends, we must remember that experiences like these show what people are truly made of. I don't know about you, but at the moment, I am made of incandescent fury.

I suggest that we look on this as a fresh beginning, a jumping-off point for a new era of loathing and mistrust. Perhaps we can even re-open some old wounds. One thing is certain: The wounds that Mr. Holland opened will not be allowed to heal. To treat those wounds as the inevitable result of a single bad person living among better people would be the real tragedy. Now more than ever, we must put aside the commonality of our shared suffering and focus instead on concentrating our wrath on a single individual. I suggest Helen.


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