This Is Not The Time For Compassion And Healing

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Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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This Is Not The Time For Compassion And Healing

Citizens, friends, and neighbors, we have come together today to reflect on recent events which have deeply wounded this community, and which will no doubt resonate with all of us for a long time to come. You are all undoubtedly feeling many complicated emotions right now—anger, confusion, resentment. But I would like for you to keep one thing in mind: This is not the time for compassion and healing.

Although Scoutmaster Holland's appalling actions have in some way hurt each and every one of us, we must not offer each other comfort and support. We must not cooperate to get through this difficult time together. Nor should we reflect on those blessings we do have—those of community, family, and friends. Rather, we must act out of petty self-interest and blind, irrational anger.

This is no time to turn to each other and share in our grief. This is a time for bitter, divisive accusation. It is a time to say things so terrible, they will give birth to grudges that we'll nurse for decades. This isn't the time to move forward or to forgive past wrongdoings. It is the time to hate, seethe, and wallow.

This tragedy could open the doors to change and renewal. We could seize the opportunity to exchange ideas on how to improve and safeguard our children's futures. But instead, let's exchange angry recriminations and engage in childish name-calling. Mrs. Dailey, earlier, you told me that Ms. McInnes was a bad mother. Saying that to me behind her back is one thing, but why not say it again before everyone?

As I look around at the anguished, questioning faces in the room, I see a real need for guidance and unity. Well, I'm afraid this is neither the time nor the place for that. For now, we must simply pick ourselves up and carry on with the business of finger-pointing and buck-passing. We must set about—and I'll tell you, I've been doing a whole lot of this—marveling at how certain troop leaders could really be as oblivious as they claim. From this day forward, let us make "alienation" our watchword. Gandhi said that "forgiveness is the attribute of the strong," but I'll bet Gandhi's kid was never touched in the woods on a camping trip.

Fine, "allegedly" touched.

We have convened this meeting not to console each other, not to find solace in numbers, but to get a good look at the lying, guilty faces of those who should have done something but didn't. Let us unleash our unbridled rage hither and thither until every last bit of acrimony is expressed, which probably won't be any time soon. Mrs. Dailey, could you maybe shut your mouth for three seconds and let me finish?

Some among you might be clinging to that old saw "innocent until proven guilty." To those people, I say, "Where were your high-minded ideals when your best friend and racquetball partner told you that sometimes he didn't trust himself around children, Terry?" Seriously, I'd like an answer to that. Oh, what a surprise. Terry's not here. Terry's probably, what? Polishing his car or buying himself something, like he probably was when his own kid was getting stroked in a field. I'm sorry, but after all, it's what we're here for.

Some of you may be asking "Why, God? Why my boy? What did he do to deserve this?" Some of you may be searching your hearts for understanding and insight. Many of you may have turned to God or family. Friends: Abandon fruitless searches. The molesting gym coach isn't inside you. Turn your search for scapegoats and excuses outward... You didn't hear it from me, but I don't think revenge is completely off the table, either.

Perhaps, years from now, you will find yourselves at peace with this tragedy, and see that the trials of today gave us strength, which in turn enriched our tomorrows. Who knows, maybe you and Mr. Holland will go bowling together. Or, I know, perhaps you'll put him in charge of a whole bunch of pre-adolescent boys and send them into the woods, huh, Mark? No, you're the son of a bitch, Mark.

Any time any place, my friend. That's what I thought.

Friends, we must remember that experiences like these show what people are truly made of. I don't know about you, but at the moment, I am made of incandescent fury.

I suggest that we look on this as a fresh beginning, a jumping-off point for a new era of loathing and mistrust. Perhaps we can even re-open some old wounds. One thing is certain: The wounds that Mr. Holland opened will not be allowed to heal. To treat those wounds as the inevitable result of a single bad person living among better people would be the real tragedy. Now more than ever, we must put aside the commonality of our shared suffering and focus instead on concentrating our wrath on a single individual. I suggest Helen.