This Is The Point In The Blow Job Where I Have To Be Careful What I Say

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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This Is The Point In The Blow Job Where I Have To Be Careful What I Say

Ordinarily, I am a candid, even verbose individual, but this is a particularly sensitive time for me, so I will try to remain brief. We have reached a juncture at which I, the recipient of this mind-blowing oral sex, must make some kind of statement that is both timely and appropriate. Unfortunately I am uncertain how to proceed.

Clearly, I don't want this blow job to stop.

This is a very delicate matter. Everything has been going fantastically, and the last thing I want to do is to spoil a particularly good blow job by saying the wrong thing. But what to say? Silence is not an option, since she's likely to take that as disapproval. Or even apathy. No, it's settled. I have to say something and I have to say something soon.

It was so much easier at the beginning, when all that was required was a few moans here and there, and the occasional "ooh, yes." The protocol was clearly defined, and we were both in a comfortable spot. Now, however, even the slightest ill-timed expletive could spoil it all. Therefore, I must aspire to be more guarded, more eloquent.

I briefly considered going with "do it," but that sounds a touch derogatory, if not clichéd. She'd think that I was unoriginal or, worse yet, stupid. And who wants to fellate a dullard?

Then there's always the well-worn positive-feedback route. I could wait until she does something noteworthy, and let her know it by saying, "Oh yeah, that's it." But she actually might take that to mean the rest of it wasn't good, which is exactly the opposite of what I mean to convey. Or what if she feels like I'm giving her orders? I don't want her to think the guy she's fellating is some kind of domineering prick.

I should compliment her. Somehow. "You give nice blow jobs" seems too formal. "You suck it so good" seems too cheap. After all, this is a lady. On the other hand, perhaps she likes that kind of thing. Who am I to judge? I should have asked her before we started. For God's sake—where was your head, Dan?

Maybe something simple, like "You look beautiful with my penis in your mouth." No, that just seems, well, inappropriate is one word.

Why does getting sucked off have to be so complicated?

I don't know how other men do it. It seems to come so naturally for the guys in the videos. I suppose I should play off our shared interests. I could sing a few bars of that song we both like! It would be kind of a shared musical experience. Oh, who am I kidding? I can't sing, and something from Jesus Christ Superstar is vastly inappropriate for this setting.

I should have gone down on her first. That way there would be a set of mutually agreed-upon guidelines to follow.

Time is quickly becoming a factor. Any minute she could look up at me expectantly, and if that happens, I'm liable to blurt out something completely irreparable. And if I freeze and say nothing, she might become plagued with self-doubt, thinking she's done something wrong. 

I could cut the tension with a joke, although I'm not very good at telling jokes, particularly when being orally serviced. Besides, I would probably lose my erection if she started laughing, and then where would I be?

I'll just touch her head. But not without asking permission first. Or not.

This could turn into an utter fiasco. I can't even count how many times perfectly good blow jobs have been ruined by a deficit of tact. I still haven't heard back from the woman to whom I unfortunately yelled, "Touchdown, Vikings!" And the time I tried out "Suck that creamsicle, suck it till it melts!" was misguided. I guess we all have our regrets.

Wait, I think I may have it: It's ribald, but not obscene, with an edge of wit. Why didn't I think of it before? It's brilliant! Oh, Dan, you've outdone yourself this time. Okay. It's now or never.

Well. I'm afraid that point is now moot.

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