adBlockCheck

This Is The Point In The Blow Job Where I Have To Be Careful What I Say

Top Headlines

Local

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

This Is The Point In The Blow Job Where I Have To Be Careful What I Say

Ordinarily, I am a candid, even verbose individual, but this is a particularly sensitive time for me, so I will try to remain brief. We have reached a juncture at which I, the recipient of this mind-blowing oral sex, must make some kind of statement that is both timely and appropriate. Unfortunately I am uncertain how to proceed.

Clearly, I don't want this blow job to stop.

This is a very delicate matter. Everything has been going fantastically, and the last thing I want to do is to spoil a particularly good blow job by saying the wrong thing. But what to say? Silence is not an option, since she's likely to take that as disapproval. Or even apathy. No, it's settled. I have to say something and I have to say something soon.

It was so much easier at the beginning, when all that was required was a few moans here and there, and the occasional "ooh, yes." The protocol was clearly defined, and we were both in a comfortable spot. Now, however, even the slightest ill-timed expletive could spoil it all. Therefore, I must aspire to be more guarded, more eloquent.

I briefly considered going with "do it," but that sounds a touch derogatory, if not clichéd. She'd think that I was unoriginal or, worse yet, stupid. And who wants to fellate a dullard?

Then there's always the well-worn positive-feedback route. I could wait until she does something noteworthy, and let her know it by saying, "Oh yeah, that's it." But she actually might take that to mean the rest of it wasn't good, which is exactly the opposite of what I mean to convey. Or what if she feels like I'm giving her orders? I don't want her to think the guy she's fellating is some kind of domineering prick.

I should compliment her. Somehow. "You give nice blow jobs" seems too formal. "You suck it so good" seems too cheap. After all, this is a lady. On the other hand, perhaps she likes that kind of thing. Who am I to judge? I should have asked her before we started. For God's sake—where was your head, Dan?

Maybe something simple, like "You look beautiful with my penis in your mouth." No, that just seems, well, inappropriate is one word.

Why does getting sucked off have to be so complicated?

I don't know how other men do it. It seems to come so naturally for the guys in the videos. I suppose I should play off our shared interests. I could sing a few bars of that song we both like! It would be kind of a shared musical experience. Oh, who am I kidding? I can't sing, and something from Jesus Christ Superstar is vastly inappropriate for this setting.

I should have gone down on her first. That way there would be a set of mutually agreed-upon guidelines to follow.

Time is quickly becoming a factor. Any minute she could look up at me expectantly, and if that happens, I'm liable to blurt out something completely irreparable. And if I freeze and say nothing, she might become plagued with self-doubt, thinking she's done something wrong. 

I could cut the tension with a joke, although I'm not very good at telling jokes, particularly when being orally serviced. Besides, I would probably lose my erection if she started laughing, and then where would I be?

I'll just touch her head. But not without asking permission first. Or not.

This could turn into an utter fiasco. I can't even count how many times perfectly good blow jobs have been ruined by a deficit of tact. I still haven't heard back from the woman to whom I unfortunately yelled, "Touchdown, Vikings!" And the time I tried out "Suck that creamsicle, suck it till it melts!" was misguided. I guess we all have our regrets.

Wait, I think I may have it: It's ribald, but not obscene, with an edge of wit. Why didn't I think of it before? It's brilliant! Oh, Dan, you've outdone yourself this time. Okay. It's now or never.

Well. I'm afraid that point is now moot.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close