This Job Isn't Nearly As Exciting As The DeVry Institute Led Me To Believe

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Vol 39 Issue 31

News Anchor Wonders Where All These Great Stories Come From

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Midway through a story about new evidence in an unsolved area homicide, KTVX news anchor John Reesen wondered aloud where all the great stories come from. "Yet another gripping investigative report, right here on KTVX," said Reesen, during Tuesday's News At Ten. "Wow. Who comes up with this news?" Reesen posed a similar question to weatherman Gary Yount, wondering who could possibly know all that science stuff.

Republicans Introduce Economic Equality Bill For Fun Of Shooting It Down

WASHINGTON, DC—Republicans in the House of Representatives proposed H.R. 2093: the Economic Equality Initiative, with the express purpose of shooting it down "just for kicks" Tuesday. "H.R. 2093 will level the economic playing field, spreading the wealth among the rich and poor," said Majority Whip Tom DeLay (R-TX), visibly fighting back snickers. "We must pass this bill to stop the fat cats from getting fatter while the average Joe struggles to make ends meet. Also, I'm the Queen of Bavaria." Following 10 minutes of uproarious laughter, the congressmen stepped out of the chamber to smoke cigars lit with a bill that would allocate $115 million to clean up hazardous waste sites.

Avid Fisherman Forever Ruins Fishing For Son

MANKATO, MN—Thanks to his nitpicking, impatience, and insistence on absolute silence in the boat, avid angler Don Gillespie, 41, forever ruined fishing for his 10-year-old son Douglas Tuesday. "No, no, no—you're casting all wrong," said a visibly seething Gillespie after Douglas' line landed a mere three feet from the stern of the rowboat. "Forget it! Just let me do it, and I'll hand you the rod afterward." Douglas was further put off fishing when his father threw back the only fish the boy caught all day because it was not big enough.

Last Great Party Of Life To Result In First Child

LAKE CHARLES, LA—Unbeknownst to him, 27-year-old Ron DuPree attended the last great party of his life Saturday, as a 3 a.m. coupling with girlfriend Tamara Harris will result in a child nine months from now. "That was the best party ever," DuPree said to friends on Monday, oblivious to the seed of life now growing in his soon-to-be-wife's womb. "I was so wasted! God, Tamara and I have to start getting out on the weekends again." In addition to enjoying his last great party, DuPree will also soon bid farewell to liquor, cigarettes, and most of his current friendships.

Hussein Family Can't Bear To Throw Out Uday's Favorite Nutsack Shocker

AWJA, IRAQ—Relatives, sorting through boxes at Uday Hussein's home Tuesday, couldn't bear to discard one of the deceased tyrant's favorite torture devices. "Oh, how Uday loved his electric nutsack shocker," said Uday's uncle Karim Suleiman al-Majid, as he sifted through a box of clamps, cables, saws, and 8-volt batteries. "And here's that trusty little knife he would use to dig eyeballs out of their sockets." Al-Majid said he is sure that Uday would have wanted his favorite cousin Nawaf to have the roll of flensing wire.
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This Job Isn't Nearly As Exciting As The DeVry Institute Led Me To Believe

When I was 18 or so, I used to watch Ricki Lake on Channel 9 every afternoon. During the commercial breaks, I always saw ads for the DeVry Institute Of Technology. One ad featured a group of mostly male students eagerly crowded around a single computer in a fluorescent-lit classroom, on the fast track to earning their degrees. Another ad showed a recent DeVry graduate striding into a windowless block of an office building like he had the world by the tail. Everyone looked ready to dive into a high-paying career, and I wanted that for myself. I was hypnotized by the fast-growing field of technology. But now, 12 years later, I'm stuck in a job that's not nearly as exciting as the one the DeVry commercials led me to expect.

Despite the allure of an exciting job in the field of technology, and even though the phone call to DeVry was free of charge and obligation, I didn't jump-start my career immediately. I'm not dumb, but I'd always felt bored in high school. I barely squeaked by with passing grades, and when I finally graduated, I was determined never to set foot in another classroom. I took a job bussing tables at Perkins, then moved to line cook and lead line cook. After years of barely making ends meet, I decided I didn't want to work in a restaurant for the rest of my life. It was time for a change, but I lacked the skills I needed to be a vital part of today's challenging job market.

Then I remembered DeVry. The free brochure I received in the mail explained that the DeVry Institute Of Technology, under the umbrella of DeVry University, offered career-oriented undergraduate and graduate programs. After looking over the brochure, I decided I was ready for some workplace-relevant learning. I wanted more than anything to prepare for a career in an exciting area such as systems analysis and design, applications software support and maintenance, applications software consulting, or business applications programming. But was a job in the challenging field of technical and application support, or computer-related sales and marketing support, really mine for the taking?

I figured I didn't have anything to lose. I took out a few loans and applied for a degree in computer information systems.

The courses were pretty tedious, but I slogged through, believing that the benefits were down the road. After all, DeVry was providing me with the technical skills, business principles, and general education I needed to succeed in the field. I graduated well within the top half of my class.

Now, I'm part of the support team for Point of Sale Systems, Inc. At PSS, we manufacture and distribute computerized cash registers. I'm in charge of installing the hardware for our Flash Register systems at the client's site. After the system is installed, I spend a day training employees to use it. Most of our contracts are with restaurants, so the only thing that's really changed for me is my hours. At least I'm not alone: My company hired one of my classmates from DeVry for pretty much the same job, only he works on a freelance consulting basis for Joe's Crab Shacks across the country.

I thought that by going to DeVry, I'd become part of a team—a strike force ready to simplify people's lives with technology. Instead, I'm lucky if I can hold a waiter's attention long enough to teach him how to void a margarita sale. I have to pretend I don't hear the waitresses making fun of my bald spot while I'm crouched under the counter connecting wires.

When I'm not in a windowless back room stringing cable along a filthy, grease-splattered suspended ceiling, I'm stuck in traffic between suburbs, wishing I cared enough about my life to quit smoking. I've gained 15 pounds from the fried food I eat while setting up the Flash Register systems, and the only people I ever talk to are restaurant managers.

Sometimes, I think what I'd like to do is find all those DeVry students from those ads and beat the living shit out of them. Then I'd move on to the president of DeVry, and the head of the studio that made those damn commercials. But I guess I have to admit that nobody put a gun to my head and forced me to enter the fast-paced world of technology.

If only I could turn back time and get a medical-technician degree instead.

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