This Lethal Injection Is Going To Hurt The State Of Texas More Than It Hurts You

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Vol 36 Issue 31

Area Man's Recommended Daily Caloric Intake Exceeded By 9 A.M.

MEMPHIS, TN–At 8:56 a.m. Monday, Len Blake consumed his 2,401st calorie of the day, surpassing his recommended daily caloric intake of 2,400 a full 14 hours before bedtime. "At 8:20 a.m., Len had a Meat Lover's Skillet at the Waffle House, providing him with an estimated 2,150 calories," dietitian Dr. Dan Yary said. "Thirty minutes later, en route to work, he picked up an 800-calorie Cinnabon roll, three bites into which he passed the 2,400 mark." Blake also ate one of the recommended five daily servings of vegetables in the form of onions in his hash browns.

New Orleans Adopts $10 Cover Charge

NEW ORLEANS–New Orleans announced plans Monday to impose a $10 cover charge on all nonresidents seeking to enter the city. "For $10, visitors will receive unlimited access to all bars and nightclubs, three drink tickets, and a free 'Certified Muff Diver' T-shirt," said Mayor Marc Morial, flanked by a pair of the city's bouncers. "Those who want to leave the city and return before 2 a.m. can get their hand stamped for readmission." Women who flash their breasts will be admitted at the reduced rate of $8.

God Damns Minnesota Vikings As Requested

LIBERTYVILLE, IL–Responding to a fourth-quarter cry from diehard Chicago Bears fan Lester Ruddick, God damned the Minnesota Vikings Sunday. "Players and employees of the Vikings organization," God announced from Heaven, "I have heard the pleas of Lester Ruddick in the final moments of a devastating 30-27 Bears loss to the Vikings, and My wrath shall burn forever against you. No supplication, no contrition can help you now. Every last one of you, from All-Pro wideout Randy Moss all the way down to third-string left guard Chris Liwienski, shall be damned to an eternity of pain and suffering."

Jury Finds Defendant Pretty

FREMONT, CA–Meredith Kent, a 26-year-old Fremont woman charged with four counts of bribery and embezzlement, was found pretty by a jury of her peers Monday. "She has an absolutely lovely face–it took no time at all for us to reach a consensus about that," jury foreman Richard Bloch, 58, said. "And her neck is amazingly long and graceful like a swan's." Kent was longingly cross-examined for nearly an hour before the verdict of pretty was announced.

Someday, I Will Drive This Short Bus Myself

I love the short yellow school bus! Riding the bus is fun! I ride the bus to school every day, but I also ride the bus to other places, too. When I go on trips with Miss Lang and everybody in the special-needs class, we all get on the bus and go to the zoo or the planetarium. One time, we ate pizza at Pizza Hut, and we took the bus then, too. And you know what? Someday, I'm going to drive the bus myself!

Western Wildfires

Wildfires are sweeping across the Western U.S., with nearly 1.5 million acres in Montana and Idaho engulfed in flames. What is the government doing to combat the problem?

Advertising Executive Gets In Touch With Inner-Child Demographic

BOSTON–Struggling to find the perfect marketing hook for a new rainbow-colored string-cheese snack, Holland Mark Advertising executive Darius McLain got in touch with his own inner-child demographic–a purchasing sector he had all but forgotten since the onset of adolescence. "I asked myself, what would make a kid want to buy Color Magic Cheez-bows?" said McLain, 44, after the emotional breakthrough. "Only after looking within myself and rediscovering the 8- to 12-year-old male buried deep inside did I hit upon the ideal angle." McLain next plans to get in touch with his feminine-urban-professional side to develop a campaign for No Nonsense pantyhose.

Exit Interview Goes Well

DEARBORN, MI–Laid off Monday from his billing-manager position at Automatic Data Processing, Howard Pfaff reported that his exit interview with human-resources associate Lorraine Bochy "went pretty well."
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This Lethal Injection Is Going To Hurt The State Of Texas More Than It Hurts You

Mr. Jackson, seeing as you have been found guilty of murder in the first degree by the citizens of the Great Republic Of Texas, I have no choice but to sentence you to death by means of lethal injection, to be administered by a state-appointed prison medical technician within 90 days' time. But I'll have you know, Mr. Jackson, that as harsh as this punishment may seem, trust me when I tell you that it hurts the state of Texas much more than it hurts you.

I must say, I can hardly believe the lack of gratitude you have shown the State of Texas, especially after it worked its fingers to the bone to give you every possible advantage in life. We put you through 12 years of school. We gave you roads to drive on. We even picked up your trash for you! But the only thing you seemed interested in was the prison system. Well, I'm afraid you've burned your last bridge, Mr. Jackson. You've worn out your welcome there, too.

Do you think I enjoy this, Mr. Jackson? I do not. When you die, a little piece of me will die with you. Not as big as the piece of you, of course, since your whole body will die, but it will be a very important piece of me–the one that had hopes and dreams for you.

Mr. Jackson, this court gave serious consideration to the sentence of life in prison. But, honestly, what good would that do? What, in the final analysis, would that teach you? Did you learn your lesson when you were sentenced to 30 days' prison time for being drunk and disorderly in San Antonio? You did not. Did you change your ways when you were given one year in prison for assault and battery in Brownsville? Again, no. Not only did you fail to change your ways; you served a mere five months of that sentence before requesting parole. Parole! Therefore, Mr. Jackson, as made obvious by your own actions, prison is no place for you. I must therefore consider your own best interests in choosing your sentence. And, as much as it breaks my heart, lethal injection it is. I can only hope that one day, you will see the wisdom of my decision.

Mr. Jackson, my judgment in this matter must be dictated by higher ideals. One could argue that the cost of keeping you in prison for life would actually be less than that of executing you. No doubt, it will cost a great deal of taxpayer money to reject your appeal of this sentence. But the proud and noble state of Texas has never listened to the bookkeepers and accountants when the decision to kill a man must be made. And though you have proven yourself to be the ungrateful sort who would appeal his very own death sentence if he thought there were something in it for him, this state has a duty to all its citizens–even you, Mr. Jackson. If it must execute them, then that is what it will do. We owe you no less.

I must admit to certain misgivings in this matter. Somehow, I can't help feeling that Texas has failed you in some way. That maybe there was something else we could have done, some other road we could have gone down, another choice we could have made had we but eyes to see. But what is that thing we could have done? Can you tell me that, Mr. Jackson? Of course not. Of course not.

It saddens me to have failed you. But I must move on and try to do good for others, as I apparently have been unable to do for you. Bailiff! Bring in People v. Reynoso, if you would. We have a full docket today, so let's get cuttin'.

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