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This Milk Is Expired When I Say It Is

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God Hurting After Eating 20-Piece Spicy Angel Wings

THE HEAVENS—Staring off into the middle distance for several minutes in obvious discomfort, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was “hurting real bad” after consuming an entire 20-piece order of spicy angel wings.

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Tips For Handling A Picky Eater

Having a child who refuses to eat most foods can be both frustrating and alarming for parents, but there are ways to work through this phase as a family. Here are The Onion’s tips for handling a picky eater

GMOs: Myth vs. Fact

Consumers have consistently distrusted the use of genetically modified organisms in their food, believing that they make food unsafe for consumption, although a majority of scientific evidence contradicts these views. Here are the common myths associated with GMOs and the facts that refute them

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...
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This Milk Is Expired When I Say It Is

Hey, you haven't even touched your milk. What's the matter? Milk is an important part of a balanced diet, good for strong bones, healthy teeth, and—what do you mean "spoiled"? Gimme that. Spoiled? This milk smells as fresh as the day I bought it. What? Listen to me, missy—this milk is expired when I say it is.

That's final.

Hundreds of thousands of cows are milked every day, and a whole lot of very good men and women spend hours putting that milk into cartons and driving it to the market, just so little girls like you can drink it and be healthy. After all the hard work those people and cows put into every glass, you're telling me you don't want to drink your milk? I'm disappointed in you, honey.

Let me see that. Look, the expiration date is only six days ago. What could possibly go wrong in six days? That's not even a week. Besides, you had this with your cereal Saturday morning, and you're perfectly fine. As I remember, you had seconds.

Now you listen to me, young lady. That milk is not yellow—it's off-white. What difference does the color make, anyway? It's not like you have eyes on the inside of your mouth. What? Let me see. I don't smell anything. Besides, if you drink it, you won't have to smell it anymore.

Why? Because I said.

Do you know what an expiration date is? Numbers. That's all. It's not like you enter into a legally binding contract with the dairy industry the moment you pay for your milk. The expiration date is a suggested guideline, and guidelines aren't always made with the individual's best interest in mind. Sometimes they're just there to make Daddy pay for new milk.

What are you going to listen to, a mechanical stamp on a carton or your own flesh and blood? I'm your father, and as your father, I'm telling you that the milk is good.

I did not raise you to be a follower. You're a Gordan, and a Gordan never takes an expiration date at face value. A Gordan asks the important questions, like, "Who said?" and "Who benefits?" and "Why should I let an expiration date ruin a perfectly good glass of milk?"

I've had it up to here with you! Give me that glass. Mmm. See? Mmmmm-mm! This is the best milk I've ever tasted, in fact. It has a slight hint of berries. Mmm-mm. You like berries, right? Try it.

So, it's good enough for your old man, but it isn't good enough for you? Well, it's your loss. This is delicious. I'm going to have some more. Yum! You like cottage cheese, don't you? This is the same thing as cottage cheese. We'll mix in some Nesquik. You won't see the color or taste the little extra flavor that way. At least try it. Two bites?

I'll give you "gross."

Okay, fine. Pour it down the drain. Oh, and here's three dollars. Throw that down the drain right after it, because that's exactly what you're doing. It's...

Oof. Hold on. Daddy's not feeling too good. I think Daddy needs to sit down. No honey, it's not because of the milk. It's a coincidence.

Come back here and... Oh, Daddy doesn't... You'll grow up to... Oh golly. Hold that thought, sweetie. Daddy will be right back...

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