This Milk Is Expired When I Say It Is

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Vol 41 Issue 21

Former Addict Celebrates 10th Year Of Mind-Numbing Boredom

PHOENIX—Tom Stubbens, 44, a former heroin abuser, attended a party in his honor to celebrate a full decade of clean, sober, and dismally tedious living Tuesday. "The crazy gang of partiers I used to have so much fun with in the '90s wouldn't even recognize the clean and respectable person standing before you today," said Stubbens, raising an iced tea to friends at his regular evening haunt, the 36th Avenue Denny's. "Yup, but here I am... that person." Stubbens then retired to his apartment, where he watered his plants, organized his sock drawer, and fell asleep on the couch.

Cocky Attempt To Operate ATM In Spanish Backfires

SAFFORD, AZ—During a Monday night stop at an automated-teller machine, an overconfident Scott Tifton failed to withdraw cash using the machine's Spanish instructions. "My girlfriend Lisa was with me at the ATM, so I pressed Spanish as a joke," Tifton said. "I figured I could rely on my high-school Spanish, but instead of giving me $100, the deposit slot lit up. Then I hit what I thought meant 'cancel' a couple times, and it ate my card. We were going out to dinner for our two-year anniversary, and Lisa had to pay." Tifton said he probably could have figured out the instructions if he had been at his normal branch.

Alternative Training School For Dogs De-Emphasizes Obedience

MONTEREY, CA—Dogs who attend the Kylee Alternative Training Institute are exposed to a "creative canine learning environment where less emphasis is placed on obedience," director Morgan Kylee said Monday. "We believe in helping our students to discover their own potential, rather than forcing them to conform to the traditional idea of what a dog should be," Kylee said. "Dogs that mess on the carpet or bark incessantly are not scolded, but praised for finding their own parameters. Our motto is 'If it feels good, chew it.'" Classes at the school include Holistic Heeling, Elective Fetching, and Removing The Leg-Humping Stigma.

Thousands Dead In Wake Of Low-Carbon Diet

FORT WALTON BEACH, FL—Doctors are linking nearly 9,000 deaths nationwide to the popular low-carbon diet outlined in the bestselling book, Dr. Wesley's Elemental Dieting. "Dr. Ryan Wesley's book tells dieters to avoid consuming carbon, an element that occurs in all organic life, animal and vegetable," said Dr. Peter Castle, a nutritionist at Johns Hopkins University. "Although Wesley dieters can ingest limitless hydrogen, oxygen, and nitrogen, deriving nutrients only from gases is not viable in the long term." The low-carbon diet first came to prominence in February 2004 when Wesley appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show weighing an astonishing 76 pounds.

Palmolive Attacks Dawn For Coddling Grease

NEW YORK—Representatives for Palmolive dish detergent issued a challenge to the makers of Dawn Monday, charging that the blue dishwashing soap "coddles grease." "Palmolive lives up to its vow to be 'tough on grease,' but Dawn merely 'takes grease out of your way,'" Colgate-Palmolive CEO Reuben Mark said. "Out of sight, out of mind, eh Dawn? Palmolive believes in eradicating the grease problem, not simply pushing it to the far reaches of the sink." Mark added that, as unrelenting as Palmolive is on grease, it continues to be soft on hands.

Snowball In Hell

If you're considering starting your own business, keep a few things in mind. First, you can't call in sick, and you may have to work very long hours, even if no customers show up for the entire day. Second, be prepared for weeks, or even months, to go by before you clear $50 a week in sales. Third, consider that you may have to rethink your business plan, even though you devoted a whole month to creating it.
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This Milk Is Expired When I Say It Is

Hey, you haven't even touched your milk. What's the matter? Milk is an important part of a balanced diet, good for strong bones, healthy teeth, and—what do you mean "spoiled"? Gimme that. Spoiled? This milk smells as fresh as the day I bought it. What? Listen to me, missy—this milk is expired when I say it is.

That's final.

Hundreds of thousands of cows are milked every day, and a whole lot of very good men and women spend hours putting that milk into cartons and driving it to the market, just so little girls like you can drink it and be healthy. After all the hard work those people and cows put into every glass, you're telling me you don't want to drink your milk? I'm disappointed in you, honey.

Let me see that. Look, the expiration date is only six days ago. What could possibly go wrong in six days? That's not even a week. Besides, you had this with your cereal Saturday morning, and you're perfectly fine. As I remember, you had seconds.

Now you listen to me, young lady. That milk is not yellow—it's off-white. What difference does the color make, anyway? It's not like you have eyes on the inside of your mouth. What? Let me see. I don't smell anything. Besides, if you drink it, you won't have to smell it anymore.

Why? Because I said.

Do you know what an expiration date is? Numbers. That's all. It's not like you enter into a legally binding contract with the dairy industry the moment you pay for your milk. The expiration date is a suggested guideline, and guidelines aren't always made with the individual's best interest in mind. Sometimes they're just there to make Daddy pay for new milk.

What are you going to listen to, a mechanical stamp on a carton or your own flesh and blood? I'm your father, and as your father, I'm telling you that the milk is good.

I did not raise you to be a follower. You're a Gordan, and a Gordan never takes an expiration date at face value. A Gordan asks the important questions, like, "Who said?" and "Who benefits?" and "Why should I let an expiration date ruin a perfectly good glass of milk?"

I've had it up to here with you! Give me that glass. Mmm. See? Mmmmm-mm! This is the best milk I've ever tasted, in fact. It has a slight hint of berries. Mmm-mm. You like berries, right? Try it.

So, it's good enough for your old man, but it isn't good enough for you? Well, it's your loss. This is delicious. I'm going to have some more. Yum! You like cottage cheese, don't you? This is the same thing as cottage cheese. We'll mix in some Nesquik. You won't see the color or taste the little extra flavor that way. At least try it. Two bites?

I'll give you "gross."

Okay, fine. Pour it down the drain. Oh, and here's three dollars. Throw that down the drain right after it, because that's exactly what you're doing. It's...

Oof. Hold on. Daddy's not feeling too good. I think Daddy needs to sit down. No honey, it's not because of the milk. It's a coincidence.

Come back here and... Oh, Daddy doesn't... You'll grow up to... Oh golly. Hold that thought, sweetie. Daddy will be right back...

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