This Milk Is Expired When I Say It Is

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Outback

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday.

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits.

Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips

COVINGTON, KY—Expressing a deep sense of regret regarding his decision to take a chance on jalapeño, local 36-year-old Mike Willhite told reporters Wednesday that he now sees all too clearly his folly in straying from his beloved sour cream a...

FDA Recalls Food

WASHINGTON—Saying it was vitally important that citizens avoid consuming any of the affected items, the U.S.

Male Gaze Falls On Buffalo Chicken Bites

BINGHAMTON, NY—Patrons at Thirsty’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Monday that the objectifying male gaze has fallen upon a $6.95 plate of buffalo chicken bites, resulting in the menu item being treated as if it serves no purpose beyond providing ...

Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museu...

Takeout Bag Feels Light

OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light. Unable to effecti...

Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio

CHICAGO—Steeling themselves against the occasional breeze and the cold of the wrought iron table and chairs against their skin, a group of determined restaurant-goers reportedly braved the slightly chilly temperature Thursday and dined on the outdoo...
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Food

Outback

This Milk Is Expired When I Say It Is

Hey, you haven't even touched your milk. What's the matter? Milk is an important part of a balanced diet, good for strong bones, healthy teeth, and—what do you mean "spoiled"? Gimme that. Spoiled? This milk smells as fresh as the day I bought it. What? Listen to me, missy—this milk is expired when I say it is.

That's final.

Hundreds of thousands of cows are milked every day, and a whole lot of very good men and women spend hours putting that milk into cartons and driving it to the market, just so little girls like you can drink it and be healthy. After all the hard work those people and cows put into every glass, you're telling me you don't want to drink your milk? I'm disappointed in you, honey.

Let me see that. Look, the expiration date is only six days ago. What could possibly go wrong in six days? That's not even a week. Besides, you had this with your cereal Saturday morning, and you're perfectly fine. As I remember, you had seconds.

Now you listen to me, young lady. That milk is not yellow—it's off-white. What difference does the color make, anyway? It's not like you have eyes on the inside of your mouth. What? Let me see. I don't smell anything. Besides, if you drink it, you won't have to smell it anymore.

Why? Because I said.

Do you know what an expiration date is? Numbers. That's all. It's not like you enter into a legally binding contract with the dairy industry the moment you pay for your milk. The expiration date is a suggested guideline, and guidelines aren't always made with the individual's best interest in mind. Sometimes they're just there to make Daddy pay for new milk.

What are you going to listen to, a mechanical stamp on a carton or your own flesh and blood? I'm your father, and as your father, I'm telling you that the milk is good.

I did not raise you to be a follower. You're a Gordan, and a Gordan never takes an expiration date at face value. A Gordan asks the important questions, like, "Who said?" and "Who benefits?" and "Why should I let an expiration date ruin a perfectly good glass of milk?"

I've had it up to here with you! Give me that glass. Mmm. See? Mmmmm-mm! This is the best milk I've ever tasted, in fact. It has a slight hint of berries. Mmm-mm. You like berries, right? Try it.

So, it's good enough for your old man, but it isn't good enough for you? Well, it's your loss. This is delicious. I'm going to have some more. Yum! You like cottage cheese, don't you? This is the same thing as cottage cheese. We'll mix in some Nesquik. You won't see the color or taste the little extra flavor that way. At least try it. Two bites?

I'll give you "gross."

Okay, fine. Pour it down the drain. Oh, and here's three dollars. Throw that down the drain right after it, because that's exactly what you're doing. It's...

Oof. Hold on. Daddy's not feeling too good. I think Daddy needs to sit down. No honey, it's not because of the milk. It's a coincidence.

Come back here and... Oh, Daddy doesn't... You'll grow up to... Oh golly. Hold that thought, sweetie. Daddy will be right back...

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