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This Monster Problem Is Distracting This Town From The Real Issues

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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This Monster Problem Is Distracting This Town From The Real Issues

People, people, people! Put down your torches for a second. I know you're all angry that, after days of bloody and terrifying rampage, the monster still hasn't been caught. Your outrage is not unjustified; however, it's misdirected. You're all determined to defeat an inhuman creature hell-bent on destroying all living things in its path, but you're missing the bigger picture. Instead of getting upset over who or what slaughtered the varsity cheerleading squad, we need to envision more long-term solutions to the problems that affect the community as a whole.

 You fear a monster you can't see because it lurks in the shadows and strikes from out of nowhere. But right under your feet is the real monster: potholes. We drive over them every day, ignoring them, hoping they'll go away. Where were the torches and pitchforks last year when the city council cut street repair and maintenance funding by half? Those potholes can rip a hole in your muffler faster than the monster ripped a hole in school board president Larry Napier.

And take this proposed annexation of East Whitley. If that referendum passes in November, it could result in an 8.5 percent increase in our county property taxes over the next decade. That's a bite that even this unstoppable killing machine couldn't take from each and every one of us.

Is it the bloodthirsty beast that's dragging its heels on installing a traffic light at the increasingly busy and dangerous intersection of Pflaum Street and Point Hollow Road? No, once again, it's our city council. Sure, they said they didn't want to raise taxes to pay for infrastructure repairs, but they sure didn't care about levying a new surcharge to pay for that boondoggle of an arts center. Why don't we turn this mob around and march down to City Hall for some answers?

I can't blame the people entirely for their shortsightedness. If not for my repeated letters to the editor, there would be word zero on the obvious conflict-of-interest issues the county zoning board has with our so-called free press. Sure, a screaming headline about the Cub Scout troop found in the old Dennison sawmill with their livers torn from their sides and their faces bent into a ghastly grimace of terror sells more papers than a story on that spiderweb of a subdivision on the West Side, but sometimes you need to put principles before profit. In the past week alone, I've seen 15 articles in The Times-Journal about the monster, but not a single word on possible mercury contamination in the Fort Ojibway aquifer. But then again, what else  do you expect from the good old Crimes-Urinal?

Granted, demanding accountability from our leaders won't get you very far. Ever since the mayor was found hanging by his own intestines from the rafters of City Hall, there's been a distinct  lack of leadership at the top. Tragically, he was disemboweled right before he was to approve the municipal bond that would have removed the asbestos from the high school gym, where our recently departed basketball team practiced. Meanwhile, Deputy Mayor Rick Kjellstad is locked in his basement, and outspoken alderwoman Gloria Chavez is missing and believed  to be serving as a human host-incubator for the monster's 1,000 alien eggs. But even if every one of them hatch, they will not be anywhere near the threat to us exploited taxpayers that two decades of flagrant cronyism under county supervisor Ted Hampfel has been.

It's about priorities, people—first things first. Only after we demand and obtain the resignations of the members of our racist Alcohol Policy Control Board can we even begin to think of defeating the horrible fiend whose fangs glisten in the night. Only once we've blocked the ill- conceived corporate handout that is our proposed light-rail system will we have earned the moral justification to stop this creature that has slaughtered all our livestock within a 50-mile radius. First conquer the unspeakable horror of the downtown pedestrian overpasses, then conquer the unspeakable horror from beyond.

So...who's with me?

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