This Monster Problem Is Distracting This Town From The Real Issues

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Monster Problem Is Distracting This Town From The Real Issues

People, people, people! Put down your torches for a second. I know you're all angry that, after days of bloody and terrifying rampage, the monster still hasn't been caught. Your outrage is not unjustified; however, it's misdirected. You're all determined to defeat an inhuman creature hell-bent on destroying all living things in its path, but you're missing the bigger picture. Instead of getting upset over who or what slaughtered the varsity cheerleading squad, we need to envision more long-term solutions to the problems that affect the community as a whole.

 You fear a monster you can't see because it lurks in the shadows and strikes from out of nowhere. But right under your feet is the real monster: potholes. We drive over them every day, ignoring them, hoping they'll go away. Where were the torches and pitchforks last year when the city council cut street repair and maintenance funding by half? Those potholes can rip a hole in your muffler faster than the monster ripped a hole in school board president Larry Napier.

And take this proposed annexation of East Whitley. If that referendum passes in November, it could result in an 8.5 percent increase in our county property taxes over the next decade. That's a bite that even this unstoppable killing machine couldn't take from each and every one of us.

Is it the bloodthirsty beast that's dragging its heels on installing a traffic light at the increasingly busy and dangerous intersection of Pflaum Street and Point Hollow Road? No, once again, it's our city council. Sure, they said they didn't want to raise taxes to pay for infrastructure repairs, but they sure didn't care about levying a new surcharge to pay for that boondoggle of an arts center. Why don't we turn this mob around and march down to City Hall for some answers?

I can't blame the people entirely for their shortsightedness. If not for my repeated letters to the editor, there would be word zero on the obvious conflict-of-interest issues the county zoning board has with our so-called free press. Sure, a screaming headline about the Cub Scout troop found in the old Dennison sawmill with their livers torn from their sides and their faces bent into a ghastly grimace of terror sells more papers than a story on that spiderweb of a subdivision on the West Side, but sometimes you need to put principles before profit. In the past week alone, I've seen 15 articles in The Times-Journal about the monster, but not a single word on possible mercury contamination in the Fort Ojibway aquifer. But then again, what else  do you expect from the good old Crimes-Urinal?

Granted, demanding accountability from our leaders won't get you very far. Ever since the mayor was found hanging by his own intestines from the rafters of City Hall, there's been a distinct  lack of leadership at the top. Tragically, he was disemboweled right before he was to approve the municipal bond that would have removed the asbestos from the high school gym, where our recently departed basketball team practiced. Meanwhile, Deputy Mayor Rick Kjellstad is locked in his basement, and outspoken alderwoman Gloria Chavez is missing and believed  to be serving as a human host-incubator for the monster's 1,000 alien eggs. But even if every one of them hatch, they will not be anywhere near the threat to us exploited taxpayers that two decades of flagrant cronyism under county supervisor Ted Hampfel has been.

It's about priorities, people—first things first. Only after we demand and obtain the resignations of the members of our racist Alcohol Policy Control Board can we even begin to think of defeating the horrible fiend whose fangs glisten in the night. Only once we've blocked the ill- conceived corporate handout that is our proposed light-rail system will we have earned the moral justification to stop this creature that has slaughtered all our livestock within a 50-mile radius. First conquer the unspeakable horror of the downtown pedestrian overpasses, then conquer the unspeakable horror from beyond.

So...who's with me?