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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

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PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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This Promotional Pen Works So Great, Imagine How Well The Drug Must Work

Somebody just sent a box of Prilosec promotional pens to our clinic and, boy, am I impressed. It's got a big, comfortable barrel and comes in an attractive purple. And it writes smooth as can be. No globbing or streaking; just a nice, clean, blue ballpoint line. It's also got some really cool writing along the side: "Prilosec® (Omeprazole) 20-MG capsules." Prilosec, huh? This Prilosec pen is so great, I'll bet anything the drug is great, too.

I do know a bit about omeprazole. It's used to treat gastric and duodenal ulcers and gastroesophageal-reflux disease, a condition in which the stomach acid washes back up into the esophagus. Omeprazole eases gastric pain by decreasing the amount of acid produced by the stomach. As it turns out, Prilosec is omeprazole in delayed-release capsule form. Well, the capsule's release may be, but there was nothing "delayed" about the way the ink flowed when I clicked the button at the top of the pen and started to write!

Traditionally, I've shied away from prescribing drugs for the treatment of heartburn. I tend to encourage patients to make changes in their diet instead. Well, that was before I saw this pen. It's a great pen. Yes, this pen completely changes the way I feel about the prescription of omeprazole. Now I'm all for it.

If Prilosec the drug is anything like Prilosec the pen, I bet it works every time. My patients can kiss occasional discomfort from heartburn goodbye.

And talk about instant relief: It sure was a relief to have this pen handy when I needed one a few minutes ago. I wanted to write down a phone number, and the pen was right there—no muss, no fuss. Prilosec, no doubt, offers the same easy relief in pharmaceutical form. How cool is that?

Hmm, I see here that Prilosec is made by a company called AstraZeneca. Well, that name sounds very professional. I'm guessing they're on the cutting edge of pharmaceutical technology. And that logo looks very cutting-edge, too—slick and modern. That's important in pens and drugs. What's more, it's got a retractable tip for one-click convenience, not an old-fashioned pen cap that can be easily misplaced. As a doctor, I know it's vital to carry a fully functional pen, as well as to stay abreast of new advances in health-care products.

This reminds me of the way I discovered the antihistamine Clarinex a few months ago. If you are a general practitioner like me, you know there's no shortage of prescription antihistamines out there. So why did I decide to prescribe Clarinex for treatment of seasonal and year-round allergies? It was the fridge magnet. I couldn't help but notice how effectively it held a piece of paper to the refrigerator in the staff kitchenette. One of the things my patients care about most is convenience. They don't want a drug that's hard to use. This magnet was so easy to use, a baby could have done it. In fact, if the precautions didn't specifically prohibit me from doing so, I would prescribe Clarinex to a baby.

I'm always on the lookout for great new drugs to prescribe to my patients. But I must admit, I'm far too busy to seek them out by reading medical journals and research papers or by talking to my fellow doctors. It really is a huge help to get great drug recommendations by way of hats, T-shirts, coffee mugs, pencil holders, clipboards, and fanny packs that I randomly encounter or that are sent to my office unsolicited.

Thanks, Prilosec!

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