adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

This Promotional Pen Works So Great, Imagine How Well The Drug Must Work

Somebody just sent a box of Prilosec promotional pens to our clinic and, boy, am I impressed. It's got a big, comfortable barrel and comes in an attractive purple. And it writes smooth as can be. No globbing or streaking; just a nice, clean, blue ballpoint line. It's also got some really cool writing along the side: "Prilosec® (Omeprazole) 20-MG capsules." Prilosec, huh? This Prilosec pen is so great, I'll bet anything the drug is great, too.

I do know a bit about omeprazole. It's used to treat gastric and duodenal ulcers and gastroesophageal-reflux disease, a condition in which the stomach acid washes back up into the esophagus. Omeprazole eases gastric pain by decreasing the amount of acid produced by the stomach. As it turns out, Prilosec is omeprazole in delayed-release capsule form. Well, the capsule's release may be, but there was nothing "delayed" about the way the ink flowed when I clicked the button at the top of the pen and started to write!

Traditionally, I've shied away from prescribing drugs for the treatment of heartburn. I tend to encourage patients to make changes in their diet instead. Well, that was before I saw this pen. It's a great pen. Yes, this pen completely changes the way I feel about the prescription of omeprazole. Now I'm all for it.

If Prilosec the drug is anything like Prilosec the pen, I bet it works every time. My patients can kiss occasional discomfort from heartburn goodbye.

And talk about instant relief: It sure was a relief to have this pen handy when I needed one a few minutes ago. I wanted to write down a phone number, and the pen was right there—no muss, no fuss. Prilosec, no doubt, offers the same easy relief in pharmaceutical form. How cool is that?

Hmm, I see here that Prilosec is made by a company called AstraZeneca. Well, that name sounds very professional. I'm guessing they're on the cutting edge of pharmaceutical technology. And that logo looks very cutting-edge, too—slick and modern. That's important in pens and drugs. What's more, it's got a retractable tip for one-click convenience, not an old-fashioned pen cap that can be easily misplaced. As a doctor, I know it's vital to carry a fully functional pen, as well as to stay abreast of new advances in health-care products.

This reminds me of the way I discovered the antihistamine Clarinex a few months ago. If you are a general practitioner like me, you know there's no shortage of prescription antihistamines out there. So why did I decide to prescribe Clarinex for treatment of seasonal and year-round allergies? It was the fridge magnet. I couldn't help but notice how effectively it held a piece of paper to the refrigerator in the staff kitchenette. One of the things my patients care about most is convenience. They don't want a drug that's hard to use. This magnet was so easy to use, a baby could have done it. In fact, if the precautions didn't specifically prohibit me from doing so, I would prescribe Clarinex to a baby.

I'm always on the lookout for great new drugs to prescribe to my patients. But I must admit, I'm far too busy to seek them out by reading medical journals and research papers or by talking to my fellow doctors. It really is a huge help to get great drug recommendations by way of hats, T-shirts, coffee mugs, pencil holders, clipboards, and fanny packs that I randomly encounter or that are sent to my office unsolicited.

Thanks, Prilosec!

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close