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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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This Racist Propaganda Practically Writes Itself!

All my life, I dreamed of writing racist propaganda, but I was always too scared to try. I came up with every excuse in the book: I lacked the necessary education, I wasn't a good enough writer, I didn't know enough racial slurs. But then, one day, I gave it a whirl, and you know what? It was easy! The hateful rants just poured out of me and onto the page. I'm telling you, this racist propaganda practically writes itself.

Sure, going off on the niggers, Jews, and towelheads is easy enough when you're knocking back a few Coors Lights with your buddies at the Triple Dice Bar. Me, Frank, and Curtis, we can jabber on for hours about how the spics are taking away all the construction jobs. But to actually organize your ill-informed opinions into a coherent, well-structured screed on the printed page, well, that's a whole different animal.

It all started last Friday night down at the Triple Dice. As we're knocking a few back, Frank goes on one of his tears about affirmative action, and how the blacks are these lazy fucks who don't value education and just want everything handed to them on a silver platter—and he knows what he's talking about, too, since he has a sister who lives by Detroit. Whenever Frank gets on a roll about the blacks, I always say we should write it all down, but we never do. This time, though, he was so on fire, I started scrawling down his rant on a cocktail napkin. Within a few minutes, I had about eight napkins worth of primo bigotry. If I hadn't been so trashed, I might've asked the bartender for one of those paper placemats to keep going.

The next day, after I got over my hangover, I thought I'd try writing sober. Wouldn't you know it, I had six pages on the so-called "American Indians" and how they're all drunks on welfare before I finished my cup of coffee. I even had a World Book encyclopedia sitting next to me, in case I needed to look things up, but I didn't have to crack it open once.

Now that I've finally done it, I've learned that the hardest part about writing racist propaganda is simply getting started. A friend of mine, who's written some eye-opening stuff about the Italians, once told me, "You just gotta get that pencil moving." You know what? He was right! It was so simple, I can't believe everyone with two brain cells to rub together isn't doing it.

To pen virulent, racist dogma, I always assumed you had to read a lot of history books and keep up with the news. Or at least read more than just Motor Trend and Hustler. But the reality is, you don't. My friends and I have been giving each other all the information we need through our beer-soaked speculating and finger-pointing. The morning after a long night of drinking, I may not remember half of what Curtis said about the Pakistanis taking over his neighborhood, but half a truth is better than the hundreds of lies you get from the Jew-run liberal media.

Fucking Pakistanis.

One of the best things about racist propaganda is that it only needs to seem to make sense. The barest threads can tie the Emancipation Proclamation to the Elders of Zion. I mean, look at them. They both start with "E," don't they? And that was just off the top of my head. And if someone starts to argue with you about facts, just call them a nigger-lovin' faggot-queer Jew, and that'll shut them up real quick.

Another great thing about writing racist propaganda is that you don't even need to know how to write all that good. There are computer programs that'll correct most of your grammar and spelling mistakes. And if I need to find another word for "gook," my handy slang dictionary gives me zip, gink, and slope. It's true: The only thing stopping you from realizing your dream of becoming a writer is your own fears.

The bottom line is, all you need to write racist propaganda is a pen, some paper, and a refusal to take responsibility for your own problems. Most folks probably don't write because they think it's only for people with reasonable arguments and an open mind. But it's just that kind of thinking that keeps a lot of decent, honest, God-fearing racists from sharing their crackpot theories.

Christ, if I can do this, anyone can. Believe me.

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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