This Script Practically Writes, Directs, And Universally Pans Itself

In This Section

Vol 41 Issue 22

Description Of Hot-Dog Ingredients Fails To Ruin Picnic

EVERETT, WA—Try as he might, Matt Cottone was unable to spoil appetites at Jack Pierson's Memorial Day picnic. "The absolute worst meat goes into hot dogs—animal parts that oughta be thrown away—and then they pump it full of nitrates and sodium and dyes," Cottone said as his friends eagerly devoured Oscar Mayer franks. "You might as well be drinking embalming fluid. How can you do that to your body?" After explaining that the meat in hot dogs comes from "cheeks and asses" several times to no effect, Cottone grimaced at the plate of hot dogs and wandered off toward the beer cooler.

Local Pet Store Sells Living Things To Just Anyone Off The Street

BALTIMORE—The Fur, Fin, and Feather pet store is willing to sell live animals to just about anyone, local investigating police officer Tom Olansky reported Monday. "Any bozo off the street can walk into this joint with a few bucks and walk out with an actual living, breathing creature," Olansky said. "There's no test to ensure a minimal aptitude for pet ownership, no background check, no follow-up." Store owner Geordi Wilson admitted that a customer "doesn't necessarily need a lot of time or money to own a pet, just a big heart."

Horoscope for the week of June 1, 2005

Your friends will soon hold an intervention to take away your barge pole, wide-brimmed white straw hat, and Chianti bottle in an effort to stop your wanton and dangerous gondoliering.

The Stem-Cell Bill

The House recently passed a bill lifting restrictions on stem-cell research, but Bush has threatened to veto the bill if it passes the Senate. What do you think?

If It's Any Consolation, Your Daughter Probably Died Almost Immediately Of Sheer Terror

Mr. and Mrs. Frauenfelder? Yes, hello. Thank you for coming down today. I'm Detective Cosloy, one of the eight men here in Tulsa who found the body. The three men in Fort Worth who found the balance of the remains have air-messaged them, so they should be here by this afternoon. I know how difficult this must be for you, and I want to assure you that the department will do all that it can to make this experience—I'm sorry, of course it's... Come this way, won't you? I don't want to draw this out, so if you'd care to identify the remains?

Judge Hatchett Ruling Overturned By Judge Joe Brown

HOLLYWOOD—Nationally syndicated justice Judge Joe Brown reversed Judge Glenda Hatchett's ruling in the TV-court case Amanda Robinson v. Maria Bristow Monday, stating that the lower-rated judge flagrantly disregarded pertinent testimony.

May 29, 1993

Uneducated Forklift Driver To Address Nation On Rush Limbaugh Radio Show

Hosting A Barbecue

Summer is a great time to get outside and grill a delicious meal. Here are a few basic safety rules and outdoor-cooking tips to help make sure you and your family enjoy a tasty, safe summer cookout.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Customer Service

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

This Script Practically Writes, Directs, And Universally Pans Itself

Find yourself a chair, guys, 'cause I've got exactly what we've been looking for: an idea so formulaic, any screenwriting hack could knock it out with his eyes closed. A film so predictable, we could produce it with our Blackberries turned off. Everybody who sees it, critics and audiences alike, will be guaranteed to hate it. Is everybody on this conference call sitting down? Here we go: Van Helsing Reborn! I'm telling you, this script will practically write, direct, and universally pan itself!

Van Helsing Reborn! Picture that title on the cover page of a screenplay. Now, see it up on the marquee at Mann's Chinese Theater. Now imagine it next to one star in every newspaper in America. It's a natural!

I know Van Helsing didn't die at the end of the first movie! You're thinking too small. Hell, the total lack of continuity is what will make this baby so easy for some schmuck in San Diego to write, a recent NYU grad to shoot, someone's cousin to edit, and the masses to mock!

In the first one, Van Helsing went up against who again? The Wolfman, Frankenstein, and Dracula? Okay, so we have a perfect opportunity to exploit some old movie-monster properties! Slap in a couple, and the picture's half done. Think about it: Van Helsing meets the Invisible Man, the Bride of Frankenstein, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Why come up with new monsters? People love the classics!

That Black Lagoon thing would be perfect for bringing in the black audience. Okay, so he's green, but I think I've hit on something. We could black him up a little, put some gold chains on him, and make him talk all street. We'll blanket the inner-city neighborhoods with an aggressive billboard campaign, bring in the urban audience in droves, and be criticized by the NAACP as an example of what's wrong with the entertainment industry today!

I'm telling you, people all over the country will despise this movie like a freakin' sickness! The word of mouth will be absolutely terrible! Okay, I know what you're thinking: There's more to making movies than displeasing the masses. Don't you worry. Every media outlet from The New Yorker on down to Access Hollywood will hate this piece of shit.

Van Helsing's an immortal or something, right? I can't remember why—isn't he half-vampire or something? Or am I thinking of Wesley Snipes? Aw, hell, it doesn't matter. Anyway, since he lives forever, we could set it in any time period we want. He blasts ancient Indian mummies in the Old West. Or we could turn the Headless Horseman into some kind of haunted cowboy, and toss him into the mix. Or he could fight Nazi zombies in World War II, or that monster from They Saved Hitler's Brain.

Your silence tells me you have some doubts. Why don't we come up with a decent story? What if we find a talented director? What if we made a movie with some artistic merit? Well, we're never going to find out, because we're going to crank this dung heap out, pocket the opening-weekend grosses, and start on an even shittier movie before the inevitable 78-percent audience dropoff in week two.

Wait! I just got an idea. We set the whole movie right here in the present. Van Helsing gets a job working for the CIA—in, like, the Special Monster Tactics Division or something. He fights Freddy, Jason, and Chucky! And the bride and seed of Chucky, too, while we're at it! Think of the toys! With a big enough budget and the right release date, we can't lose. It'll be the most unwatchable summer blockbuster yet!

So, you guys on board? Say the word and I can have legal fax you the contracts by 3:00. Come on, boys—let's get out there and shit out some God-awful crap!

Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More