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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

This Script Practically Writes, Directs, And Universally Pans Itself

Find yourself a chair, guys, 'cause I've got exactly what we've been looking for: an idea so formulaic, any screenwriting hack could knock it out with his eyes closed. A film so predictable, we could produce it with our Blackberries turned off. Everybody who sees it, critics and audiences alike, will be guaranteed to hate it. Is everybody on this conference call sitting down? Here we go: Van Helsing Reborn! I'm telling you, this script will practically write, direct, and universally pan itself!

Van Helsing Reborn! Picture that title on the cover page of a screenplay. Now, see it up on the marquee at Mann's Chinese Theater. Now imagine it next to one star in every newspaper in America. It's a natural!

I know Van Helsing didn't die at the end of the first movie! You're thinking too small. Hell, the total lack of continuity is what will make this baby so easy for some schmuck in San Diego to write, a recent NYU grad to shoot, someone's cousin to edit, and the masses to mock!

In the first one, Van Helsing went up against who again? The Wolfman, Frankenstein, and Dracula? Okay, so we have a perfect opportunity to exploit some old movie-monster properties! Slap in a couple, and the picture's half done. Think about it: Van Helsing meets the Invisible Man, the Bride of Frankenstein, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Why come up with new monsters? People love the classics!

That Black Lagoon thing would be perfect for bringing in the black audience. Okay, so he's green, but I think I've hit on something. We could black him up a little, put some gold chains on him, and make him talk all street. We'll blanket the inner-city neighborhoods with an aggressive billboard campaign, bring in the urban audience in droves, and be criticized by the NAACP as an example of what's wrong with the entertainment industry today!

I'm telling you, people all over the country will despise this movie like a freakin' sickness! The word of mouth will be absolutely terrible! Okay, I know what you're thinking: There's more to making movies than displeasing the masses. Don't you worry. Every media outlet from The New Yorker on down to Access Hollywood will hate this piece of shit.

Van Helsing's an immortal or something, right? I can't remember why—isn't he half-vampire or something? Or am I thinking of Wesley Snipes? Aw, hell, it doesn't matter. Anyway, since he lives forever, we could set it in any time period we want. He blasts ancient Indian mummies in the Old West. Or we could turn the Headless Horseman into some kind of haunted cowboy, and toss him into the mix. Or he could fight Nazi zombies in World War II, or that monster from They Saved Hitler's Brain.

Your silence tells me you have some doubts. Why don't we come up with a decent story? What if we find a talented director? What if we made a movie with some artistic merit? Well, we're never going to find out, because we're going to crank this dung heap out, pocket the opening-weekend grosses, and start on an even shittier movie before the inevitable 78-percent audience dropoff in week two.

Wait! I just got an idea. We set the whole movie right here in the present. Van Helsing gets a job working for the CIA—in, like, the Special Monster Tactics Division or something. He fights Freddy, Jason, and Chucky! And the bride and seed of Chucky, too, while we're at it! Think of the toys! With a big enough budget and the right release date, we can't lose. It'll be the most unwatchable summer blockbuster yet!

So, you guys on board? Say the word and I can have legal fax you the contracts by 3:00. Come on, boys—let's get out there and shit out some God-awful crap!

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