This Squeaky Wheel And I Are Pulling An All-Nighter

Top Headlines

Recent News

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

This Squeaky Wheel And I Are Pulling An All-Nighter

Okay, okay, no more screwing around. Let's get serious here. I've been putting off running on this squeaky, plastic wheel all day long, and now it's—Christ, is that clock right? Is it 10:30 already? Man oh man, it is way later than I thought. Looks like I got myself a long, long night of spinning a noisy wheel around in a circle here.

All right, squeaky wheel. From now till dawn, it's you and me, buddy. We've gotta burn some midnight oil.

I'd love to just pass out right here in this pile of wood shavings, but this bad boy ain't going to spin itself, you know what I'm saying? Do I wish I'd gotten a head start on the wheel- running this morning instead of making a nest out of hair and paper scraps and curling up inside of it for five hours? Sure, of course. But hey, what's the use of worrying about "what if" when there's work to be done? Hell, I spin better at night anyway.

Okay, game plan: Before I hop on, I'm going to need to warm up with some scratching. I'm talking the real, full-body kind of scratching where my back leg thumps against the bottom of the cage in rapid succession for like 10 minutes. Naturally, I'm going to need to loudly nestle around for a while after that. Maybe munch on some seeds, so I've got some fuel in me. Then I'm just going to attack this wheel, man. Like, full-on. Attack it like never before. I figure if I start hitting it now, I can go straight through until morning and then just totally crash out. Tomorrow will be a complete waste, but screw it. I've got no choice, right?

I've pulled all-nighters on the wheel before, and the key is to stay focused and alert. Trust me, when it's 4:30 a.m. and you've been going at it hard, the night deadly silent but for the incessant squeak of that wheel, it takes a lot of effort not to become delirious. A lot of effort. My secret is I block out little breaks for myself, just to recharge. I'll run on the wheel for about an hour or so, but then I'll take a breather and hit the water drip. It's like a little reward for myself. Next I'll spend a few minutes running frantically in a circle around my cage to gather my thoughts and then it's back to the wheel. If I just keep repeating that pattern for the next, oh, 10 hours or so, I should be good.

Is it going to be the best wheel-spinning I've ever done? Definitely not, but it's down to the wire now and I've just got to power through. If I second-guess myself about how fast I'm spinning, or all the little mistakes I'm making along the way, it's just going to slow me down. We're not talking about some award-winning running-on-a-wheel performance that'll blow everyone away here. It doesn't have to be perfect, you know? It just has to get done.

And then, of course, once I've done a decent-enough job running one way, I've just got to remember to turn around and run the other way for a while, otherwise the whole thing will have been pointless.

I know what you're probably thinking: Does the incessant squeaking of the wheel ever start to grate on me when I'm going all night like this? Honestly, no, not at all. I listen to that grating sound and I think, "Yes, I'm making progress." In fact, sometimes I get so in-the-zone that I actually start squeaking myself. I figure, hey, why not? Let 'er rip, you know? And of course it's gotta be loud. There's going to be an earsplitting shriek penetrating through the walls of this place, but I can't help that. It's out of my control.

That's the grind, I suppose. Me and this wheel emitting piercing, high-pitched squeaks on into the early morn.

Just got to get through tonight and then it's the weekend—smooth-sailing and chewing my way through an entire cardboard tube. Christ, I can taste it already.

Ready, wheel? Let's go.