This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us, Unless We Can Reach Some Sort Of Mutually Acceptable Compromise

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us, Unless We Can Reach Some Sort Of Mutually Acceptable Compromise

I reckon everyone from Silver City to Carson's Gulch knows that you're here in my town, you sour-bellied varmint. And everyone knows that having two gunslingers like us in a town like this is like putting two ruttin' bobcats in a burlap sack. You see, this town, pardner, just ain't big enough for the both of us.

Unless, of course, we can work out some sort of equitable, mutually agreeable compromise. Then maybe we could both stay.

There's gonna be blood between us, hombre, because I'd just as soon spit in your eye as look at you. I got me an itchy trigger finger, and there's only one thing that can scratch it—and that's filling your flea-bitten hide full of lead at high noon tomorrow.

Exceptin', that is, unless you wanna have some sort of mediated discussion, during which we could each air our respective dissatisfactions and maybe find a way to avoid bloodshed. You know, talk things out in a civilized manner and try to find some middle ground we can both agree to. That might be better'n fightin'.

I heard what you said about me bein' yellow-bellied, an' you're lower'n a bloodsuckin' tick's belly if you think I'm gonna stand for it, you bowlegged half-breed. Though, in all fairness, you mighta just been callin' me yella in the heat of the moment and didn't really mean it. But I don't cotton to bein' called a welsher by no man, if that's what you meant to imply.

So I dare you to step across this here line I drew in the street, you mangy owlhoot. You done said some low-down things about Nacogdoches Slim, and I'm gonna make you slap leather. You're gonna be coffin stuffin's before the sun sets tomorrow, pard, unless you can come up with some other way of settling our differences. Like maybe we could sit down and talk about how we feel, and through open and honest communication, each try to get a better sense of the other's perspective. Or maybe we could exchange gifts as a way of saying sorry for the hurt we've caused.

Oh, if you do agree to have a gunfight and don't like where I done drew the line, I could draw it in another street. Or even in a different location on this street, you back-bitin' peckerwood.

And don't go lookin' for no help from that weak-kneed sheriff, neither. He's been scared to death of Nacogdoches Slim ever since I showed him I could plea-bargain a manslaughter charge better'n any man since Sam Houston hisself. And, besides, it was self-defense. So it's up to you an' me to settle this, mano a mano, until one of us lies dead. But hopefully, it doesn't have to come to that.


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