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This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us, Unless We Can Reach Some Sort Of Mutually Acceptable Compromise

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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us, Unless We Can Reach Some Sort Of Mutually Acceptable Compromise

I reckon everyone from Silver City to Carson's Gulch knows that you're here in my town, you sour-bellied varmint. And everyone knows that having two gunslingers like us in a town like this is like putting two ruttin' bobcats in a burlap sack. You see, this town, pardner, just ain't big enough for the both of us.

Unless, of course, we can work out some sort of equitable, mutually agreeable compromise. Then maybe we could both stay.

There's gonna be blood between us, hombre, because I'd just as soon spit in your eye as look at you. I got me an itchy trigger finger, and there's only one thing that can scratch it—and that's filling your flea-bitten hide full of lead at high noon tomorrow.

Exceptin', that is, unless you wanna have some sort of mediated discussion, during which we could each air our respective dissatisfactions and maybe find a way to avoid bloodshed. You know, talk things out in a civilized manner and try to find some middle ground we can both agree to. That might be better'n fightin'.

I heard what you said about me bein' yellow-bellied, an' you're lower'n a bloodsuckin' tick's belly if you think I'm gonna stand for it, you bowlegged half-breed. Though, in all fairness, you mighta just been callin' me yella in the heat of the moment and didn't really mean it. But I don't cotton to bein' called a welsher by no man, if that's what you meant to imply.

So I dare you to step across this here line I drew in the street, you mangy owlhoot. You done said some low-down things about Nacogdoches Slim, and I'm gonna make you slap leather. You're gonna be coffin stuffin's before the sun sets tomorrow, pard, unless you can come up with some other way of settling our differences. Like maybe we could sit down and talk about how we feel, and through open and honest communication, each try to get a better sense of the other's perspective. Or maybe we could exchange gifts as a way of saying sorry for the hurt we've caused.

Oh, if you do agree to have a gunfight and don't like where I done drew the line, I could draw it in another street. Or even in a different location on this street, you back-bitin' peckerwood.

And don't go lookin' for no help from that weak-kneed sheriff, neither. He's been scared to death of Nacogdoches Slim ever since I showed him I could plea-bargain a manslaughter charge better'n any man since Sam Houston hisself. And, besides, it was self-defense. So it's up to you an' me to settle this, mano a mano, until one of us lies dead. But hopefully, it doesn't have to come to that.

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