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This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us, Unless We Can Reach Some Sort Of Mutually Acceptable Compromise

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us, Unless We Can Reach Some Sort Of Mutually Acceptable Compromise

I reckon everyone from Silver City to Carson's Gulch knows that you're here in my town, you sour-bellied varmint. And everyone knows that having two gunslingers like us in a town like this is like putting two ruttin' bobcats in a burlap sack. You see, this town, pardner, just ain't big enough for the both of us.

Unless, of course, we can work out some sort of equitable, mutually agreeable compromise. Then maybe we could both stay.

There's gonna be blood between us, hombre, because I'd just as soon spit in your eye as look at you. I got me an itchy trigger finger, and there's only one thing that can scratch it—and that's filling your flea-bitten hide full of lead at high noon tomorrow.

Exceptin', that is, unless you wanna have some sort of mediated discussion, during which we could each air our respective dissatisfactions and maybe find a way to avoid bloodshed. You know, talk things out in a civilized manner and try to find some middle ground we can both agree to. That might be better'n fightin'.

I heard what you said about me bein' yellow-bellied, an' you're lower'n a bloodsuckin' tick's belly if you think I'm gonna stand for it, you bowlegged half-breed. Though, in all fairness, you mighta just been callin' me yella in the heat of the moment and didn't really mean it. But I don't cotton to bein' called a welsher by no man, if that's what you meant to imply.

So I dare you to step across this here line I drew in the street, you mangy owlhoot. You done said some low-down things about Nacogdoches Slim, and I'm gonna make you slap leather. You're gonna be coffin stuffin's before the sun sets tomorrow, pard, unless you can come up with some other way of settling our differences. Like maybe we could sit down and talk about how we feel, and through open and honest communication, each try to get a better sense of the other's perspective. Or maybe we could exchange gifts as a way of saying sorry for the hurt we've caused.

Oh, if you do agree to have a gunfight and don't like where I done drew the line, I could draw it in another street. Or even in a different location on this street, you back-bitin' peckerwood.

And don't go lookin' for no help from that weak-kneed sheriff, neither. He's been scared to death of Nacogdoches Slim ever since I showed him I could plea-bargain a manslaughter charge better'n any man since Sam Houston hisself. And, besides, it was self-defense. So it's up to you an' me to settle this, mano a mano, until one of us lies dead. But hopefully, it doesn't have to come to that.

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