adBlockCheck

This Would Be The Best Mental Hospital Ever If Elliott Gould Weren't Hiding In The Toilet

Top Headlines

Recent News

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

This Would Be The Best Mental Hospital Ever If Elliott Gould Weren't Hiding In The Toilet

I've been a patient at the Sunhaven Mental Health Center for about six months now, and I honestly can't say enough about what a fantastic institution it is. Whether it's the beautiful grounds, the progressive methods for treating various psychiatric disorders, or the highly experienced staff of therapists, nurses, and orderlies happy to provide for one's every need, Sunhaven is, for the most part, an outstanding facility.

So I hope I don't sound ungrateful when I point out that Elliott Gould has been hiding in the toilet for at least a month now, and I'm the only one who seems to care.

Not that the bathroom facilities here aren't otherwise exceptional, of course. In fact, I doubt there's another psychiatric hospital in the state with showers this clean. But am I really supposed to just turn my head and not notice when Elliott Gould pops out of the toilet tank like a jack-in-the-box and tells me he's going to be monitoring my excretory habits for the next 50 years? Frankly, I expect more from a mental health center of this caliber.

It's not just the one toilet, either. Elliott Gould is in all of them. I'll sprint across the hall and down four flights of stairs to a distant bathroom, trying to outrun him, but he's always there waiting for me.

You'd be amazed how fast Elliott Gould can move through central plumbing.

All I'm saying is that it's a little difficult to enjoy a nice nap under Sunhaven's beautiful Georgian-style portico or a meal in its first-class dining area when you know that Elliott Gould is waiting for you in that bathroom stall with a 20-page urine questionnaire.

And no one around here appears bothered by any of this, which is weird, because the staff is normally so on top of things. Every little detail—well-stocked vending machines, fresh flowers in the common room—is attended to, but for some reason they all just look the other way when it comes to the whole Elliott Gould situation. It's downright bizarre. It's not like the staff here has never been around a celebrity before. Lee Majors is always doing flips and cartwheels outside the window of the crafts room. And Ted Koppel takes his afternoon tea while breathing fire on the fitness center ceiling practically every other day!

To be honest, I think it takes so much work to make this place run as smoothly as it does that most of the employees would rather just ignore Elliott Gould and act like it's not even happening. But the least they could do is log my complaints. I'll be walking down the hall with one of the nurses, and she'll pretend not to hear someone whistling the theme from M*A*S*H on the other side of the men's room door. Then, when I try to drag her inside to witness Elliott Gould and his filthy research firsthand, I'm the one who ends up restrained to a bed for 24 hours, not him.

Of course, with the comfy Posturepedic beds at Sunhaven, it hardly feels like restraint at all, and that's what's so frustrating. I often look out my window at the idyllic, leafy courtyard and am reminded of how lucky I am to be a patient in a hospital like this. It's so easy to forget that Sunhaven is even an "institution"; that's how hard they work to make this place feel like home. And on my best days, as I wake up in my spacious bedroom, bathed in warm, natural light, I can feel all my old anxieties and paranoid fears slipping away—"I can do this," I tell myself. "I'm going to make it."

After all, even if Eliott Gould is in my toilet, the silver men are here, and they're doing their best to make sure everyone cares about your stomach cancer when the devil breathes on you.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close