This Year's Oscars Blew Me Away

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Vol 41 Issue 11

Every Time Area Man Drops By, Friend Is Watching The Big Lebowski

CLEARWATER, FL—No matter what time of day he stops by for a visit, Barry Jensen always catches friend Scott Dupre watching the film The Big Lebowski. "[Scott] has about 40 movies on his shelf, so I don't know why he needs to watch The Big Lebowski over and over," Jensen told reporters Monday. "I don't know if he's just too lazy to change the DVD or if he's trying to memorize the lines, or what." Jensen estimated that, in visiting Dupre, he has walked in on the bowling dream sequence with that Kenny Rogers song six times.

AARP Blasted As Out Of Touch, Past Its Prime

WASHINGTON, DC—A coalition of young professionals criticized the American Association of Retired Persons at a press conference Monday, calling the organization "woefully out of step with the general public." "These AARPsters are the old guard of a bygone era, and it's time to bring them down," said Troy Hebner, president of the organization Stop The Aged, which aims to lessen the AARP's lobbying power. "A full 100 percent of their membership is over age 55. Many of them no longer even work. What could their views on Social Security and health insurance have to do with us?" In December, Stop The Aged made headlines by threatening to file a $1 billion age-discrimination lawsuit against the AARP.

Gym Membership Doomed From Day One

LOMPOC, CA—The Bally Total Fitness membership purchased Monday by Alex Scarbe already appears destined for failure. "I really should go buy some new shoes, so I can come back tomorrow and work out," Scarbe said, moments after completing the membership paperwork. "Just getting in here and signing up is enough for today. I think I'll reward myself with a smoothie." Scarbe will return to Bally's twice in April, then once in May to use the whirlpool, and ultimately cancel his membership in 2007, when he notices Bally listed on his credit-card statement.

Thwarting Of Arch Nemesis Leaves Sky Commander Feeling Empty

NEW YORK—From his secret headquarters high atop the Chrysler Building, Sky Commander Rex Brady said Monday that he has been filled with ennui ever since he apprehended his archenemy, The Nefarious Dr. Disaster. "What's the use?" said Commander Brady, slumped over H.I.L.D.A., his supercomputer and confidant. "Without him, I'm just another masked, muscle-bound, unemployed phony." H.I.L.D.A. responded by encouraging Brady to pursue his other interests, like helping needy children and learning how to prepare Mediterranean cuisine.

Tougher Bankruptcy Laws

Last week, the Senate made moves toward approving pro-business legislation that will make it harder for individuals to file for bankruptcy. What do you think?

Horoscope for the week of March 16, 2005

You'll be justifiably proud after turning your office into a savvy, high-tech marketing machine, but that's before it flies out of control and devastates half of Kansas City.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Year's Oscars Blew Me Away

Item! You could have knocked me over with a feather after the 77th Annual Academy Awards. It wasn't just because of all the Oscar upsets, but also because of the new direction the ceremony has taken. Christopher Rock is no Billy Crystal, but he sure did shake things up. His bit with comedy king Adam Sandler was golden. And boy, did he make Chris Penn mad when he asked who Clive Owen was! I'm being kind of glib about that last one. I saw where Rock was coming from, but I thought Mr. Penn made a good point, too. He was right to stand up for one of our generation's finest actors, who has graced us with great performances in films like Alfy and Sky Colonel And The World Of Tomorrowland. And if you can't stand up for what's right at the Oscars, where can you do that?

But it wasn't just about standing up for what's right. A Million Dollar Smile took the most awards, winning Best Director, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Picture, and Best Fights. And Jamie Fox won Best Actor, proving for the second time that the Academy is colorblind. Congratulations to all the winners, whatever their color!

Oddly enough, there were no major "fashion don'ts" at the Oscars this year. Who could forget Beyork's swan number from a few years ago? Or Cher's black spider-web dress? Or Celine Dion's backwards suit? No one. We're still talking about them!

I'm going to move out of awards mode in just a second, but there's been a lot of talk about Mark Antony and J. Lo's Latino duet at the Grammys. People were saying that J. Lo sounded like a gut-shot crow or a '68 VW Beetle. First of all, someone should tell those people to bite their tongues! Second, I don't know which Grammys they were watching, but what I saw was a couple in love, singing a tender romantic ballad that transcended language, pitch, and key. Anyone who says otherwise is a racist. Kudos Mark and J, and gracias por su funcionamiento.

Item! I just saw some crocuses poking out of the ground, which means spring is on its way. I'm glad, because spring is a good time for love, and there seems to be a lot of splitting up going on. Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't you know? Charlie Sheen of 2 1/2 Men And A Baby and his wife Denise Richards of Super Troopers have filed for D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Doesn't anybody ever stay together anymore? Especially while Denise is pregnant! I'm shocked! I don't care how talented you are, Charles, I will never watch another of your movies or entertaining sitcoms again. It's as simple as this: You don't walk out on a girl who's in the family way. (Unless it's for true love like Kevin Fredderline did to be with Britney.)

Oh, and also, Dawson's cutie Katie Holmes and that guy from American Pie with the weird head split up. I guess I hadn't really thought about either of those two in awhile, so it's not that big a deal to me.

I'd be happier if cars got better gas mileage. It'd be good for my wallet and good for the country.

Item! Cojo update! I last reported that fashion and accessory advisor to the people Steven "Cojo" Cojocaru was recovering from kidney transplant surgery. Apparently, Katie "nice" Couric from The Today Show isn't so "cour"teous, if you follow me. When Cojo did an interview with another show, Ms. Nice dumped him from an appearance on Today. Talk about kicking someone while he's down! I'll still watch Today, but not during National Colon Cancer Awareness Week (April 12-18).

I can't decide who's the better Motown artist, Otis Redding or Marvin Gay.

Item! There's a lot of to-do about chickens being mistreated. Rap mogul Sean John and the Reverend Al Sharpton have joined PETA in the fight against chicken cruelty. If you ask me, chickens are coddled. When I was 4, my parents took me to a farm. I wandered around happily until I made my way into the chicken coop. The dumb birds swarmed me, flapping their wings like crazy, making clucking sounds, and pecking at my legs. Those beaks are sharper than they look. If a chicken dies to become my Boston Market dinner, I say good riddance!

I've never been surfing, but you'd better believe that if I ever went to Hawaii, I'd be willing to give it the old Harvey try.

Someone better start an online petition to get that Fredonia Apple album out. I've been waiting years for the pouting chanteuse to deliver another one-two punch, only to find out that it has been done for more than a year? Come on, let us have it! Ow! Not in the face!

Well, that about wraps it up for the ol' Scoop for this week. I have a birthday coming up soon (I won't tell you how old I am!) so I'm going to treat myself to something nice, like a little television for my kitchen counter or a nice dinner at Red Lobster. By the time you next hear from me, I'll be a little older and a little wiser about all things Hollywood! I'm working on some great leads right now, including the whereabouts of George Wendt, and why Pamela Anderson has so much trouble finding true love. All that and more next time... on The Outside.

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