This Year's Tri-County Agribusiness Awards Were A Damn Travesty

In This Section

Vol 35 Issue 12

Glandular Problem Forces Man To Eat Fifth Helping

FREDERICKSBURG, MD—Born with a rare, debilitating glandular disorder, 450-pound Fredericksburg resident Gordon Hotchkiss, 41, helped himself to a fifth serving of mashed potatoes Monday. "Why, oh, why, was I chosen by God to suffer from this horrible blaaarghmum?" bemoaned the stricken Hotchkiss, helplessly shoveling fistfuls of buttery mashed potatoes into his mouth. "What have I done to deserve this awful glomphummm?" Hotchkiss' condition, known within medical circles as "bigfatfuckitis," also prevents him from using the stairs instead of the elevator to get to his second-floor apartment.

Second-Grade Music Student Goes Nuts With Cowbell

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Lakeview Elementary School second-grader Andrew Armbrister went completely nuts with the cowbell during music class Monday, ferociously banging on the percussive instrument for more than five minutes in an effort to produce the loudest sound humanly possible. "Ah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah," the 7-year-old Armbrister shouted atonally to augment the performance, drowning out music teacher Brenda Noonan's impassioned appeals for him to stop. Noonan told reporters that in the future, Armbrister would be assigned triangle duty.

Starlet-Viewer Age Difference Quickly Calculated

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Alarmed Grand Rapids data-entry clerk Clifford Gornowicz, 33, quickly calculated the age difference between himself and 17-year-old Tonight Show guest Gaby Hoffman while watching the program Monday. "Man... 16 years," Gornowicz said to himself after host Jay Leno disclosed the actress' age. "That means she wasn't even born when The Empire Strikes Back came out. Oh, God." Gornowicz has reportedly not been this distressed since Christina Ricci.

Borrowed CD Slowly Integrated Into Own Collection

OLYMPIA, WA—An Elvis Costello CD belonging to area resident Jonathan Wagner, 24, has entered the final stage of de facto ownership by friend Doug Alland, sources reported Tuesday. "For the first four or five days, I kept Jon's copy of Blood & Chocolate alone on top of my CD player," Alland, 23, said. "Then, for about a week and a half, I had it next to a stack of my own CDs that I'd been listening to." Alland said he then worked the album into the adjacent stack, eventually filing it away in his own CD shelf, where it will remain permanently, unless Wagner specifically asks for it back. "I'm way more into that album than Jon is, anyway," said Alland, defending the gradual acquisition. "He barely ever even played it." In 1997, Alland made news for a spectacular nine-stage acquisition of Down By Law on videocassette.

Colorful Multicultural Mural Celebrates Diverse Lack Of Talent

COLUMBUS, OH—A brightly colored multicultural mural on the side of the Walker Street Community Center has brought together Columbus' many diverse ethnic communities in a celebration of talentless painting. "The young people of this city have given us something we truly can kind of be proud of," City Councilman Terrence Fordham said Monday at the bad mural's dedication ceremony. "These ham-fisted dollops of garish paint and barely recognizable human figures are a joyous tribute to the gorgeous mosaic that is Columbus."

On The Road Again

I am sorry to say that Standish and I are no longer under the protection of the Burger-King. At the end of the first day of asylum, the diplomat known as "Dale—Crew Manager" informed us that we had been mistaken for two other "senior-citizens" who apparently also sought refuge with the fabled monarch of meat.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Comedy

This Year's Tri-County Agribusiness Awards Were A Damn Travesty

As you no doubt know, this past Monday night was the Tri-County Agribusiness Awards, the gala annual event honoring the best in agriculture sales and marketing in the tri-county area. As is the case every year, I was really excited to watch the show. But after seeing who took home the coveted Aggys this year, I swear, I'm never watching again. The 1999 Tri-County Agribusiness Awards were nothing but a damn travesty!

The night started out promising enough. I threw a special Aggy party, inviting all of my friends out to my house on State Road HH to watch the show live on community-access Channel 6. Everything looked great: The famous Oklahoma State Fairgrounds Round Barn was decked out in red-white-and-blue banners; the Pawhuska High School marching band kicked off the festivities with a rousing medley of songs from Oklahoma!; and the audience was filled with everyone who's anyone in agribusiness in Nowata, Washington and Osage counties. It would have been a truly magical evening—that is, if a certain panel of judges hadn't had their heads up their asses.

Right from the get-go, I knew it was going to be a long night of injustice. The first Aggy was for Best Work In A Crop Revenue Insurance Program. Clearly, Thomas "Red" Potter deserved to win that one. But for some reason, they gave it to Bob Urbanowicz. What a crock! Urbanowicz couldn't insure against a drought if the ground were cracking right in front of him! Unfortunately, things only got worse.

The next Aggy was for Excellence In Agribusiness Education. Did they give it to the clearly deserving Bill Molport? Of course not! Instead, they gave it to Gene Schuba! I tell you, they may as well have randomly handed out Aggys to whoever asked for one. Why not say to hell with everything and give one to Buck Logan for that disastrous attempt to grow niche-market vegetables for export to foreign markets?

To make matters worse, they replaced the Aggys' usual host, the delightful Reba Wilkins of the popular TV show Agriculture A.M., with Roy Gramby, the annoying, nasal-voiced editor of Seed World magazine. You should've seen the gaudy silver buckles on the overalls he was wearing! And his opening comedy bit about overfertilization went over about as big as Ike Elson's '98 corn crop.

Then, after making us sit through an endless string of boring, piddly awards like Best Assistance In Irrigation and Outstanding Achievement In Feed & Grain Quality Control, came the last straw.

You see, this year, we had a little pool going among the 4H advisors as to who'd go home with The Big One: the prized Aggy for Best Private-Sector Genetic Research. I was sure it was going to be James Citarella for his work on insecticide-resistant crop strains. Citarella is the master and always has been. He set the standard for winter-wheat varieties but has been unfairly overlooked by the judges three years in a row.

There was the dark horse, Ellen Reichert, and her enhanced-property soybean. I'd call it an interesting little independent project, but far from Aggy material. Our loud-mouth 4H group leader, Jesse Walker, bet six jars of elderberry preserves that the award would go to that jerk Ed Pfloeg, who was nominated for his lucrative marketing of soybean nutraceuticals.

And who do you think won? Fucking Pfloeg! What a joke! Sure, his project brought in big bucks, but is that what the Aggy Awards are supposed to be about? Pfloeg has only been working in the field for five years, while Citarella has had a lifetime of agribusiness achievement behind him!

I remember when the Aggys used to be about the farming. Who can forget that moment in 1981 when Warren Messerschmidt raised his Farm Management Aggy above his head and shouted, "This is for all of you who ride the threshers every day!" Now it's all just a big, glossy show to hype whatever is the hot new ag-biz ticket.

It's a goddamn travesty, I tell you. In 20 years, when people look back at the '99 Aggy winners, what will they think? Will anyone even remember who Lyle Murcheson is? No, but that no-talent hack's name will be listed in the Tri-County Farmers Almanac under Best Agribusiness Distribution. Christ, what a crock of shit. I swear, next year, I'm not watching.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More