Those Do-Gooders Get On My Nerves!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Preparedness

Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Those Do-Gooders Get On My Nerves!

Yesterday, one of those self-righteous spinsters from the Ladies' Auxiliary came to protest my treatment of several orphans who were begging at my front gate. The miserable whelps would yowl songs in the hopes of receiving a ha'penny and a moldy hardtack biscuit or two. Naturally, I had my manservant Standish tell them to buzz off. When they responded with groans and other expressions of insolence, I ordered Standish to release the bear.

They were intruding on my property, were they not? That is what I told the nosy Ladies' Auxiliary do-gooder. She replied that she had never heard of such a ghastly deed, and, consequently, she had no choice but to return my annual stipend unendorsed and uncashed. She laid my check on my nightstand, turned around, and left.

You may wonder why I suffer these ugly old hags. Well, Mrs. Zweibel was their long-time president and was quite attached to her duties. She thought that by holding charity bake-sales, auctions and bazaars, she was actually doing something to alleviate poverty and want in our community.

What her naive female mind could never comprehend was that it was I who was creating the poverty and want in our community. Who owned the village grist-mill, and who scandalously underpaid its workers? Who gave needy villagers loans with impossibly high interest-rates? When the Great Wind of 1909 blew away much of the village, who sold them wood scraps and tar-paper at exorbitant fees when they wished to re-build their crude huts?

It may seem ironic to you that for years I gave money to an organization that helped the very people I regularly exploited. Well, it helped me win the Nobel Peace Prize in 1923. And it kept the few members of the moneyed class in the county—most of whom belonged to the Auxiliary—firmly in check.

But now with Mrs. Zweibel having gone to her reward, I feel much less amenable to these old storks coming around and delivering their sermons to me. I think I will send my Swiss Guard down to the village for a good old sack-and-pillage. That will shut those biddies up but good.