adBlockCheck

Those Do-Gooders Get On My Nerves!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Those Do-Gooders Get On My Nerves!

Yesterday, one of those self-righteous spinsters from the Ladies' Auxiliary came to protest my treatment of several orphans who were begging at my front gate. The miserable whelps would yowl songs in the hopes of receiving a ha'penny and a moldy hardtack biscuit or two. Naturally, I had my manservant Standish tell them to buzz off. When they responded with groans and other expressions of insolence, I ordered Standish to release the bear.

They were intruding on my property, were they not? That is what I told the nosy Ladies' Auxiliary do-gooder. She replied that she had never heard of such a ghastly deed, and, consequently, she had no choice but to return my annual stipend unendorsed and uncashed. She laid my check on my nightstand, turned around, and left.

You may wonder why I suffer these ugly old hags. Well, Mrs. Zweibel was their long-time president and was quite attached to her duties. She thought that by holding charity bake-sales, auctions and bazaars, she was actually doing something to alleviate poverty and want in our community.

What her naive female mind could never comprehend was that it was I who was creating the poverty and want in our community. Who owned the village grist-mill, and who scandalously underpaid its workers? Who gave needy villagers loans with impossibly high interest-rates? When the Great Wind of 1909 blew away much of the village, who sold them wood scraps and tar-paper at exorbitant fees when they wished to re-build their crude huts?

It may seem ironic to you that for years I gave money to an organization that helped the very people I regularly exploited. Well, it helped me win the Nobel Peace Prize in 1923. And it kept the few members of the moneyed class in the county—most of whom belonged to the Auxiliary—firmly in check.

But now with Mrs. Zweibel having gone to her reward, I feel much less amenable to these old storks coming around and delivering their sermons to me. I think I will send my Swiss Guard down to the village for a good old sack-and-pillage. That will shut those biddies up but good.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close