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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Those Do-Gooders Get On My Nerves!

Yesterday, one of those self-righteous spinsters from the Ladies' Auxiliary came to protest my treatment of several orphans who were begging at my front gate. The miserable whelps would yowl songs in the hopes of receiving a ha'penny and a moldy hardtack biscuit or two. Naturally, I had my manservant Standish tell them to buzz off. When they responded with groans and other expressions of insolence, I ordered Standish to release the bear.

They were intruding on my property, were they not? That is what I told the nosy Ladies' Auxiliary do-gooder. She replied that she had never heard of such a ghastly deed, and, consequently, she had no choice but to return my annual stipend unendorsed and uncashed. She laid my check on my nightstand, turned around, and left.

You may wonder why I suffer these ugly old hags. Well, Mrs. Zweibel was their long-time president and was quite attached to her duties. She thought that by holding charity bake-sales, auctions and bazaars, she was actually doing something to alleviate poverty and want in our community.

What her naive female mind could never comprehend was that it was I who was creating the poverty and want in our community. Who owned the village grist-mill, and who scandalously underpaid its workers? Who gave needy villagers loans with impossibly high interest-rates? When the Great Wind of 1909 blew away much of the village, who sold them wood scraps and tar-paper at exorbitant fees when they wished to re-build their crude huts?

It may seem ironic to you that for years I gave money to an organization that helped the very people I regularly exploited. Well, it helped me win the Nobel Peace Prize in 1923. And it kept the few members of the moneyed class in the county—most of whom belonged to the Auxiliary—firmly in check.

But now with Mrs. Zweibel having gone to her reward, I feel much less amenable to these old storks coming around and delivering their sermons to me. I think I will send my Swiss Guard down to the village for a good old sack-and-pillage. That will shut those biddies up but good.

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