Though Fire, Flood, And Earthquake Beset My Path, Still Will I Get Home In Time For The Joker's Wild

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Vol 37 Issue 23

Robbie Krieger Goes 51 Minutes Without Mentioning Jim Morrison

LOS ANGELES–In his longest-such stretch since 1982, Doors guitarist Robbie Krieger went 51 minutes Monday without mentioning former bandmate Jim Morrison. "When Jim was around, anything could happen. Anything," Krieger told friend Bob Gale before unexpectedly detouring into a Morrison-free conversation about his car, a restaurant his cousin manages, and the recent L.A. mayoral election. The streak ended when, without prompting, Krieger said: "You know, despite his reputation, Jim was a genuinely friendly, approachable guy." Krieger then told the story of the time Morrison was arrested for indecent exposure in Miami for the 8,194th time.

Nepotism Passed Off As Synergy

WHITEHOUSE STATION, NJ–The hiring of Adam Dwyer by Merck Pharmaceutical was described Monday by CEO James Dwyer as "tremendously synergistic." "With his impressive range of experiences, including one and a half years of bartending and four years of heavy pharmaceutical use at the University of Delaware, Adam brings a lot to the table," Dwyer said of his nephew. "We, in turn, can help Adam earn $220,000 a year as vice-president of corporate communications for the Mid-Atlantic region."

Resident Of Three Years Decries Neighborhood's Recent Gentrification

CHICAGO–Bruce Smales, a three-year resident of Chicago's Wicker Park neighborhood, lashed out Monday against encroaching gentrification. "See that big Barnes & Noble on the corner? You better believe that wasn't there back in '98," said Smales, 34, a finance manager with Accenture. "This whole place is turning into Yuppieville. You can't throw a rock without hitting a couple in matching Ralph Lauren baseball caps walking a black lab." Smales then took his golden lab for a walk.

Sony Brings Shame To My Profession!

The Japanese do a lot of things better than us Americans, like making cars and preparing sushi. Well, now you can add to that list fabricating bogus movie reviews! It would seem that Sony Pictures couldn't find a real reviewer to say that Tales Of The Knights star Heath Ledger is a red-hot hunk, so they made one up! Why would they do that when I would have been more than happy to go on record saying that Ledger scorches the screen? (He does!) And, as for the movie itself, it's a whale of a tale, not to mention a non-stop thrill ride! There certainly was no need for Sony to resort to deception. It's things like this that hurt the credibility of all the honest entertainment journalists out there.

The World War II Memorial

The planned WWII Memorial on the National Mall has sparked controversy, its critics questioning its necessity, location, and design. What do you think?
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Though Fire, Flood, And Earthquake Beset My Path, Still Will I Get Home In Time For The Joker's Wild

Rage, tempest! Blow to cleanse the Earth! Still I mock you. As God himself is my witness, wild horses shall not stay my quest to get home in time for The Joker's Wild.

I am a man of deepest conviction and, mark my words, I shall prevail. Send armies to intercept me! I welcome the challenge. They may kill me, but I shall not live and miss The Joker's Wild.

I do not pay $21.95 a month for basic-cable service so that I can miss the rich palette of knowledge and skill-testing programming offered daily by the Game Show Network, a sumptuous banquet whose main course is the peerless Joker's Wild. Not by half, my friend.

Let rains three men deep flood these lands. I care not. I swear I shall be home as the closing credits of the preceding program roll, and by the time the Joker theme fills my living room, I shall be safe and dry in my Barcalounger, sipping a Fresca, awash in every nuance of early-'70s game-show zeitgeist, from horn-driven theme music to sponsorship by Z-Brick and Jules Jurgensen, to the show-capping announcement that this has been a Jack Barry and Dan Enright production.

Neptune, send mighty tsunamis to impede my path! Knock down the highest church steeple with 40-foot waves! Drown the crops and livestock! Still will I see whether Gail from Tuscaloosa beat the returning champion, Doug from Berkeley, so many decades ago.

Were it not for this week's 39-cent soft-shell taco special at participating Taco Bell restaurants, I would be home even now, mentally preparing myself. But it matters not, for I shall not miss a second of The Joker's Wild.

Offer me no Super Password. Do not patronize me with Bullseye or Magnificent Marble Machine. And attempt not to pass off the children's spinoff game show Joker! Joker! Joker! as the genuine article. I demand the original, adult Joker's Wild, preferably from the Bill Cullen years. But be the host Jack Barry or Jim Peck, I shall attend faithfully to each frame of the broadcast.

Do plagues ravage the land? I may miss Tic Tac Dough. Has our government collapsed into civil war? Perhaps I will forego Match Game. Perhaps. But though Armageddon sears the Earth, turning forests to ash and cities to heaps of skeletons, I SHALL NOT MISS THE JOKER'S WILD.

The strength of 10 is mine, for my quest is righteous. I may never meet the Devil face-to-face, nor defeat him by totaling $1,000 or more in the Big Spin. But should he dare cross my path, I can spit in his eye and skip away gleefully, for he has no domain over me. Mine is the Kingdom of Heaven, where knowledge is King and lady luck is Queen.

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