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Thunk U For Nobbel Prise, Me Happie Now

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Thunk U For Nobbel Prise, Me Happie Now

Telfone ring tooday and man tell very excite thing. Man voice tell me win big Nobbel Prise! Tell, “Alice Munro win Nobbel Prise!” Cant believe! Always want win Nobbel Prise and now win Nobbel Prise like always want! So thunk u Nobbel Kabitty for big shine prise. Make me so happie and excite.

Me so happie now that me got good best prise.

Nobbel Prise such good prise and me wurk so hard to get. Me write long time and always write long and big. Write lot of words and make storys with and make books with storys. Me write for hunnerd years and make hunnerd books like Dance Of Happie Shades, Moons A Juper, and Hayship, Frennip, Corp, Love Lip, Marge. Write storys books lot hard work and make me sleep lot, but now win Nobbel Prise and very happie. Nobbel Kitty man say me “master of cuntempry short story!”

Nobbel Prise such good. Is best most good most shine prise for littersure. Other real good peepul win Nobbel Prise and now me win with them. Peepul like Samull Beckt Tony Morris and Jean-Marie Gustave Le Clézio. Me no like read but these peepul good write cuz they win Nobbel Prise and that is best prise and now me win cuz me master of cuntempry short story.

Alice Munro master of cuntempry short story.

Me win lots wards befour but never Nobbel Prise. Win Pen Malmood Ward win Man Book Innerational Prise win Oh Henry prise win lots of prises. Lots good wards and prises me won but me also no win prises and make sad but now me have Nobbel Prise and me hold onto it tight and not lose it in swim pool like Man Book Innerational Prise.

Nobbel Prise best prise. Biggest prise and most best prise. Not as good as Super Bowl prise but best prise for littersure. Most shine. Most twinkly prise. Make sparkle. Make pretty. Twinkle good. sparkle gud.

Me very happie win prise and very excite but me hungry now so go get pan cake and then sleep but thunk u again Nobbel Kublitty for Nobbel Prise. It best, most biggest, most shine prise. It is honor.

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