Time Foe Tha H-Dog To Give Props

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Vol 35 Issue 41

Turkish Man Kiss You

IZMIR, TURKEY–According to reports, Izmir-area journalist and table-tennis enthusiast Mahir welcomes you to his homepage and kiss you. "Welcome to my page!!!!!!!!! I Kiss You!!!!!" said Mahir, who enjoys taking foto-camera of animals, towns, nice nude models and peoples. Friends and neighbors of the green-eyed, mustachioed player of many many music enstrumans reported his tall at 1.84 centimeters. Mahir also stressed that who is want to come TURKEY, he can invitate. "She can stay my home," he said. "I like to be friendship from other country." Those who visitate Mahir and stay his home can expect to speak numerous languages with him, as well as participate in such sports as swiming, volayball, tenis and walk. "I like sex," Mahir added.

Clinton Says Badtz-Maru May Be His Favorite Sanrio Character

WASHINGTON, DC–In a surprise reversal, President Clinton announced Monday that Badtz-Maru is "probably" his favorite Sanrio character. "Badtz-Maru is a very mischievous little penguin," Clinton said. "I love it when he rolls his eyes and sticks out his tongue. Also, he lives in Gorgeoustown, where he attends first grade at the Gorgeous Academy with his friends Hana Maru the seal and Pandaba the panda bear. Badtz-Maru likes to take walks in the park with his pet alligator Pochi. He is so funny!" In 1997, Clinton had stated that Keroppi the frog is his favorite Sanrio character.

MIT Researchers Discover Each Other

CAMBRIDGE, MA–While attempting to isolate a gene believed to be key to the development of the autoimmune disorder myasthenia gravis Monday, MIT geneticists Dr. Stephen Eng and Dr. Caryn Sohn made a breakthrough discovery: each other. "I was examining some cellular tissue when my electron microscope broke," Eng said. "Caryn offered to share her microscope, and each of us looked at the tissue through one of the eyepieces. At one point, our cheeks lightly touched, and I looked over and realized how beautiful she looks without her glasses." Sohn felt a similar rush of emotion, saying, "I always saw Stephen as a respected colleague and a dedicated scientist. But that afternoon, for the first time, I saw him as a man." A process of trial-and-error sexual experimentation commenced later that evening, continuing well into the night.

Eight Million Americans Rescued From Poverty With Redefinition Of Term

WASHINGTON, DC–Approximately eight million Americans living below the poverty line were rescued from economic hardship Monday, when the U.S. Census Bureau redefined the term. "We are winning the war on poverty," said bureau head James Irving, who lowered the poverty line for a four-person family to $14,945. "Today, millions of people whose inflation-adjusted total household income is less than $16,780 are living better lives." Said formerly poor Jackson, MS, motel housekeeper Althea Williams: "I never dreamed I'd ever become middle-class. America truly is the land of opportunity."

Local Man Orders Now

ELKHART, IN—Wowed by a half-hour paid commercial for the latest miracle product from Culinare®, makers of the incredible SafetyCan, local resident Wayne Pusak ordered the "Rocket Chef" now, it was reported Monday.

Dropping A Hint

My man-servant Standish informed me that this upcoming Yule-tide will be the final one of the years that begin with 19. This fact got me to thinking and, although I certainly would hate to impose on any-one, it would sure be nice if I could receive the gift of a nice, new woolen shawl for Christ-mas.

Talking Air Safety

Several recent high-profile plane crashes, including an Oct. 31 EgyptAir disaster that claimed 217 lives, have once again caused airline safety to come into question. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Time Foe Tha H-Dog To Give Props

Yo, peep this: I wanna take this opportunity to give a shout-out to all tha homies who got tha H-Dog's back in his day-to-day bidness as tha Accountz Reeceevable Supervisa over at Midstate Office Supply, know what I'm sayin'? Now, I know what all y'all be thinkin': Damn, that H-Dog, he a straight-up big-willie highrolla, an' if there ever wuz a person that don't need to give no props to nobody, he it. No diggity, bruthahs an' sistahs.

But, yo, check this out. Last week, all tha Midstate Office Supply employees get this memo statin' that tha office be closin' foe tha Thursday and Friday of tha Thanksgivin' holiday weekend, so we can all chill in our cribs an' eat turkey an' shit wit' our respective krews. When I first read this, I call bullshit. Yo, tha only holiday tha H-Dog observe is tha annual CPA convention at tha Ramada Inn Northeast. Fuck all that Santa Claus an' Easta Bunny shit. Them holidayz be foe tha shorties, not foe no HARD BANGAS like myself.

But then I starts to thinkin' and assessin' all tha shit I gots to be grateful for. I gots my slidin'-bar report covers, my magnetic paypa-clip dispenser, my steel two-drawer locking file cabinet, my five-slot file-folder organizer, my anodized aluminum-frame dry-erase board and a particularly fly assortment of Paypa Mate rollaball pens wit' tha rubba-ized grips.

But that ain't all I gots to be thankful fo'. I brings home some serious scratch from my gig at Midstate, an' I gots health insurance an' a comprehensive dental plan too. An' my 401K be so loaded, I'll be one jiggy muthafucka come retirement. An' after each day's bidness be done, I be rollin' wit' my Cash Room bitches in my fly hoopty, Tha Nite Rida, a 1981 Buick Regal wit all-leather interior an' rear-window defogga, gettin' my mack on wit' them bitches in my one-bedroom pad with tha mini-blinds an' track lightin' an' shit. That ain't bad foe someone who, not too long ago, was doin' his accountin' on tha street an' didn't expect to make it to 30.

So I wanna give a shout-out to all y'all what been good to tha H-Dog. Now, I gots such mad-phat skillz, I woulda been a stone-cold supastar in tha accountin' profession without all y'all, anyway, but tha way I figure it, tha less peoples I gots to use my Letta Opener of Death on, tha better. So heads up, 'cuz Tha H-Dog wanna thank tha following:

Allah, my moms, my pops (R.I.P., pops--I'll mourn you 'til I join you), tha Future Bidness Leadas of America, tha whole krew doin' they thang over at Eastech Bidness & Technical College, includin' mah
faculty advisa Mr. Sherman, Mr. Scoville, Miss Knoche, Mr. Wisniewski, an' my Eastech classmates, Isaac, Patel, Margaret, Dale an' Kenneth.

Mad props also go to many membas of tha Midstate Office Supply Krew, includin' tha Accountz Reeceevable Posse, Gary an' Gladys; administrative comptrolla Gerald Luckenbill; tha bumpin' hos in Marketing--Cheryl, Annette, Thea, Kari, Jessica an' Julie; my freaky boos in tha Cash Room--Darlene, Agnes, Mary Lou an' Harriet; all y'all keepin' it real down in Shipping; Rufus in Customa Service; Bob Cowan in Human Resources; an' that retarded kid who picks up trash in tha parking lot.

Then there's all my bruthahs locked down in tha Birchwood Minimum Security Penitentiary for various white-colla offenses: Bill "Tha Funkee Network Administratah" Doering; Net Profit; Sir Casio KL7000; THREE-EM; His Funky-Fresh Badness, AirGoNomic; and Jerry Tha Sharpie Head (hope you ain't jonesin' for them felt-tips no more, bruthah).

Also, much love to tha old-school geezer who invented double-entry bookkeeping. I don't know who he is, but all praise to him, for he is the root on which the fruit grow.

An' last but not least, mad thankz to mah homie CPA-ONE, who taught me everything I knows about accountin'. We used to work tha streets together, just two hungry young hustlas accountin' freestyle. I wish he wuz here to receive his full props, but, as I related in a earlier column, he wuz killed in lockdown by some bitch-ass Accountz Payabo punk. YOU WILL BE AVENGED, BRUTHAH. Word is bond.

This column is dedicated to all tha peoples what be officin' out there, reconcilin', copy-filin', spreadsheet-balancizin'... all that shit. Peace to all y'all. Except you Accountz Payabo muthafuckas. Y'all best sleep wit' one eye open, muthafuckas, 'cuz you on mah list. H-Dog OUT.

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