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Today's Kids Have No Valor

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

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FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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Today's Kids Have No Valor

I am Higelac of the Healfdanes, and I have spoken. The youth of today have no valor. No courage of kings. T-shirts? Blue jeans? When I was a young man, we wore bone helmets and horns that proclaimed our kinship with valorous deeds of courage.

We wore hairshirts that ripped our flesh even as we drank our mead. And we fought for great treasures known across this middle earth!

My son, Unferth-The-Spirited, once sacked an entire mead-hall for a bloody boar's head hanging from the door. This was his treasure. He wore it and became known as Unferth-The-Boar's-Head. Where is such valor today?

Last week, I spied a young man exchanging money for a "Snickers" candy bar. Money? Exchange? Where is the honor in such an act? And further, he did not even stab the cashier when he left.

I am Higelac, son of Hrothgar, who wore Banloc, the sword of the Scyldings, as a token of his valor. I sacked for gold and jewels. I have lost patience with today's youth, with their "music" and their "automobiles." I demand viking ships, spears, swords and torture devices.

I recently saw a young maiden taking part in a most shameful exchange. She was providing fellow citizens coffee in return for paper currency. What has this nation-state come to? Hwaet! Lo!

I want swords! Fire! I want sacking and burning! Where is the courage in negotiation? Without deeds of valor and courage, how do we remember the name of Wealtheow The Peaceweaver? We do not, I tell you.

When I was a young viking, we sacked for the sake of sacking. We burned for the sake of burning. I sacked and stabbed for the treasures of the Geatmaecgas. I slaughtered friend and foe, monster and demon. I, chief Healfdane warrior, once slew an entire village. Banloc the Brilliant once took 500 in that time. Where is that valor today? Lost! Lost!

Walking through my city-state the other day, I spied some lads playing "basketball." Worthless rabble! Gone are the days when we thought everyone to be the enemy, and we committed great crimes against humanity.

These youths must be armed with byrnes and shields, with swords and helmets hewn from the bones of great beasts slaughtered in battle. They must raid and sack and pillage.

I, Higelac, took Banloc and smote Ecgtheow, leader of the Danes, at the battle of Finnsburgh. On that day a great many heads were lost. But no one smites anymore.

This morning I saw a group of children running around playing tag. And who was killed? No one! There was no carnage, no headless beasts, nothing. And for what? Again, I say, nothing. No head of the wicked Grendel, no houses of kings, no spoils at all.

You call this valor? We need sacking and burning! The whole of this middle earth will be destroyed without the might of its people. We will perish in the depths of the dark abyss, leaving no name behind. The need for valor is urgent, the time of reckoning imminent. Nation's youth, hear me and hear me well: I know all of this, for I am Higelac, prince of that fame known across this land, and I have spoken! Aaaarrrggghh!

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