Today's Kids Have No Valor

Top Headlines

Recent News

Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Today's Kids Have No Valor

I am Higelac of the Healfdanes, and I have spoken. The youth of today have no valor. No courage of kings. T-shirts? Blue jeans? When I was a young man, we wore bone helmets and horns that proclaimed our kinship with valorous deeds of courage.

We wore hairshirts that ripped our flesh even as we drank our mead. And we fought for great treasures known across this middle earth!

My son, Unferth-The-Spirited, once sacked an entire mead-hall for a bloody boar's head hanging from the door. This was his treasure. He wore it and became known as Unferth-The-Boar's-Head. Where is such valor today?

Last week, I spied a young man exchanging money for a "Snickers" candy bar. Money? Exchange? Where is the honor in such an act? And further, he did not even stab the cashier when he left.

I am Higelac, son of Hrothgar, who wore Banloc, the sword of the Scyldings, as a token of his valor. I sacked for gold and jewels. I have lost patience with today's youth, with their "music" and their "automobiles." I demand viking ships, spears, swords and torture devices.

I recently saw a young maiden taking part in a most shameful exchange. She was providing fellow citizens coffee in return for paper currency. What has this nation-state come to? Hwaet! Lo!

I want swords! Fire! I want sacking and burning! Where is the courage in negotiation? Without deeds of valor and courage, how do we remember the name of Wealtheow The Peaceweaver? We do not, I tell you.

When I was a young viking, we sacked for the sake of sacking. We burned for the sake of burning. I sacked and stabbed for the treasures of the Geatmaecgas. I slaughtered friend and foe, monster and demon. I, chief Healfdane warrior, once slew an entire village. Banloc the Brilliant once took 500 in that time. Where is that valor today? Lost! Lost!

Walking through my city-state the other day, I spied some lads playing "basketball." Worthless rabble! Gone are the days when we thought everyone to be the enemy, and we committed great crimes against humanity.

These youths must be armed with byrnes and shields, with swords and helmets hewn from the bones of great beasts slaughtered in battle. They must raid and sack and pillage.

I, Higelac, took Banloc and smote Ecgtheow, leader of the Danes, at the battle of Finnsburgh. On that day a great many heads were lost. But no one smites anymore.

This morning I saw a group of children running around playing tag. And who was killed? No one! There was no carnage, no headless beasts, nothing. And for what? Again, I say, nothing. No head of the wicked Grendel, no houses of kings, no spoils at all.

You call this valor? We need sacking and burning! The whole of this middle earth will be destroyed without the might of its people. We will perish in the depths of the dark abyss, leaving no name behind. The need for valor is urgent, the time of reckoning imminent. Nation's youth, hear me and hear me well: I know all of this, for I am Higelac, prince of that fame known across this land, and I have spoken! Aaaarrrggghh!