Today's New Age Music Is Crap

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Vol 35 Issue 25

Lookalike Couple Vaguely Disquieting

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Friends and family of Russell Tonelli are expressing a "creepy sort of unease" at the distinct visual similarities between the 33-year-old Grand Rapids file clerk and his new girlfriend, Elizabeth Brecht, sources reported Tuesday. "It's really weird how similar they look," said co-worker Isaac Richards. "Elizabeth even cut off her long hair last week, making it even worse. That's just plain disturbing."

God Provides Gift To Women In Form Of Marketing Analyst Bradley Ennis

ARLINGTON, TX—Women everywhere have been blessed from on high with the existence of Bradley Ennis, it was reported Monday. "God, in His infinite wisdom and love for all the women of the world, has sent me to Earth, that I may rock the worlds of all the bee-you-tiful la-dies," the single, 27-year-old sales consultant said. Though not confirmed, it is believed that no woman has yet accepted the Divine gift of Ennis of Arlington.

Twelve More Pie-Fucking Movies In The Works

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Responding to the box-office success of American Pie, Hollywood studios are prepping at least a dozen films revolving around coupling with pies, Daily Variety reported Monday. "The American people have voted with their dollars, and we must heed the call," said Paramount executive Hollis James. "Look for the outrageous Boston Cream in Summer 2001, featuring Denis Leary as a screwball waiter with a most unusual 'taste' in sex." In addition to Cream, United Artists is in preproduction on the coming-of-age pie-fucking film I'll Take The Cherry, 20th Century Fox is negotiating with David Arquette to star in Master Baker as "a pastry chef with a secret ingredient you won't believe," and Jeff Daniels has signed with New Line to play a televangelist dethroned by a pie-fucking scandal in Jizzes H. Crust! New Line is also interviewing directors for Nobody Does It Like Sara Lee, in which Steve Guttenberg performs cunnilingus on a raspberry torte.

'You Got It™' Trademarked

NEW YORK—Another conversational phrase was removed from the public domain Monday, when Tricon Global Restaurants announced that it has trademarked "You Got It™." The popular catchphrase, which will be used in an upcoming ad campaign for Tricon subsidiary Pizza Hut, joins such trademarked slogans as General Motors' "Let's Go™," ABC's "Watch It!™" and Morton's "Please Pass The Salt." "We are pleased to have acquired the exclusive legal rights to 'You Got It™,'" said Tricon marketing director Jack Prysock. "With more than 20 different delicious toppings and eight different hot and fresh pan-style pizzas, Pizza Hut is truly the place where you, the customer, have 'got it™'." Individuals found employing the phrase 'You Got It™,' except for those receiving express written consent from Tricon Global Restaurants and intending to use the phrase to make specific, one-time reference to the high quality of food and service at Pizza Hut, will be subject to fines and/or imprisonment.

I Am Lost In My Mansion

I was awakened suddenly this morning by the terrible sound of metal grating upon metal. When I opened my eyes, I was treated to the nightmarish countenance of Nurse Pin-head, who, brandishing a steam-fitter's wrench, was busy unbolting the great collar which holds me fast to my iron-lung.

eBay? hOoray!

Boy, if you'd told me I'd be getting a Mrs. Beasley doll in the mail this year, I would have called you crazy. But it happened to me just yesterday! And here's how!
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Today's New Age Music Is Crap

Boy, nothing stays good for long, that's all I can say.

I went to Falling Water Books & Music right after work Tuesday, because I'd heard the new David Lanz CD was finally out. So I shelled out my $15.99, and raced home to listen.

And you know what? It fucking blew. I'm not kidding. David Lanz has let us all down. The first three tracks, I'm like, "Okay, this is kind of derivative of the earlier stuff like Heartsounds or Nightfall, but he's probably just reacquainting us with the style before hitting us with the new shit." And then the next five tracks... I don't even know how to say it. It sucked. I'm like, "Is this the same David Lanz who put out Woodlands?"

Believe me, I wish it were only The Lanz. But it's all of them. The golden age of New Age music has come and gone.

I remember when I first heard Yanni, back in '85. It was my junior year of high school. One Saturday night, I was hanging out at my buddy Steve's, and he looks at me and says, "Dude, you gotta hear this record. This shit will blow your mind." So I'm like, "Okay, whatever, Steve." So he puts this LP on, and I hear the first notes of Optimystique come out of the speaker. Needless to say, my jaw hit the floor. It was like the moment in The Wizard Of Oz where everything goes from black-and-white to color. The next day, I bought my own copy, and I listened to it for like 24 hours straight. I didn't get to sleep until, like, 4 a.m., so I skipped school the next day and just played Optimystique non-stop. I actually wore out the needle, moving it back to listen to "Butterfly Dance" over and over again.

After that, New Age pretty much became my life. I started devouring the old masters like Cluster, Tangerine Dream and Kitaro. I spent all the money I made at my pizza-delivery job on New Age, and when that wasn't enough, I started mowing lawns.

Then came my college years. The gang on my floor at the dorm would stay up all night playing the coolest shit, like Angels Of Venice and Gordon Burnham. We'd go through a whole box of Celestial Seasonings Red Zinger in a night. Once, we rented a van and drove all the way to Vermont just to see John Anderson live. That was back when I was dating Alicia Leupke just because she looked a little like Enya.

That was back when New Age was a real thing. Back when Windham Hill Records was an exciting new upstart indie label. Now they've sold out and are doing all these Beatles tributes and jazz festivals. They've forgotten what it's all about.

It used to be about the New Age music! Now, it's just about having the hottest stars and promoting them. Or getting that next album finished in time, to satisfy the record executives who don't even care if it's any good, so long as it's done on time. I mean, can you name one track on Chris Spheeris' last album? I didn't think so.

I was out with this chick a month ago, and she asked me what kind of music I was into, so I said New Age, and she goes, "Oh, I just love John Tesh." I'm like, what the fuck?!?! That shit isn't New Age! New Age is about harmony with nature! It's about ambience and calming down! Not about some Hollywood pretty-boy banging on his Casio! I hear Tesh doesn't even have real ocean sounds—that's all synthesized, too.

Frankly, none of these idiots on the charts nowadays know the first thing about the true spirit of New Age. I mean, Bruce BecVar? Where was Bruce BecVar during the harmonic convergence of 1987? Moussing his hair, most likely. And what about all these bands that are wearing a different crystal in every photo? They're using crystals for fashion purposes, not for focusing their personal, unchanging chakras! I swear, these poseurs wouldn't know the voice of Seth if they channeled it!

It's all been downhill since December by George Winston. A great album, no question, but it was too successful and went mainstream. Then all the phonies came out of the woodwork, the big labels wanted in, and the next thing you know, the scene is totally ruined, turned into a giant, money-sucking corporate whore-beast.

I know what you're gonna say: "What about Dreamsea? They're independent." Yeah, but it's so obvious that their whole goal is to sell out. Look how they're promoting Book Of Dreams, talking them up like they're the next Secret Garden or something. Yeah, right—they sound more like me and Steve screwing around in the garage with our flute and harp back in high school. They just want to get a million-seller so they can whore themselves to Time-Warner, you just know it.

Ah, well. I guess I'll always have Optimystique. And my memories.

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