adBlockCheck

Today's Young People Are Not Appropriately Terrified Of Sex

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Today's Young People Are Not Appropriately Terrified Of Sex

What has become of the young people of today, that they no longer cower in mortal terror at the very mention of sex? Instead of trembling alone at night in their rooms, paralyzed by the soul-shaking thought of one day having intimate relations with a member of the opposite gender, they confidently parade about the shopping malls in their sleeveless shirts and short pants, caressing one another's hands in plain view of other JCPenney's patrons.

Yesterday, while enjoying a sprinkled cone at the Dairy Queen, I experienced a fit of catatonic transfixion. Though I wanted to divert my eyes from the scene, some diabolical force held my line of vision fast. There, waiting in line, was a young woman of no more than 20 wearing a garment so clingy that her nipples seemed to protrude through the fabric. And the teenage boy behind the register did not even flee in terror, or so much as avert his eyes in panic! Instead, he actually eyed her longingly.

After the immodest young woman left, I unclenched my fists and tried to clean the melted ice-cream cone from where it had run off my quivering hand and onto my trousers. Was this the same country where, as a child, I hid behind trees at the beach for fear of seeing women in knee-length swim trunks? Where self-abusers feared they would grow hair on their palms? Where children were mercifully lied to about the meaning of certain words and would turn ghost-white at the mere mention of terms like "kiss" and "pet"?

When I was 16, the very thought of being near a girl left me trembling from a fear of the unknown. Could I impregnate her with a kiss? Could I obtain some dread disease from holding her hand? Back then, young people kept any interest they had in sex locked away, lest it devour them—not like the youths of today, who brazenly wear T-shirts with lewd slogans, talk openly about necking, and elbow their friends at the video arcade to point out some young lady's "coconuts."

No longer bound by terror's iron grip, the youths of today slip into movie theaters, fast-food restaurant booths, and high-school lockers to do the dirty deed. For them, the thought of what their partner might possess "down below" conjures up no images of needle-fanged leeches or barbed, venom spouting scorpion's tails. They have become so corrupt as to perform the sexual act in public, using the smoke and strobing lights of the disco halls as their cover. And when they are through with their unseemly acts, they do not even feel compelled to race home and douse their tainted loins in iodine!

The dirty sex is everywhere today, in magazines, on the radio, and in the Pringles commercials where the youngsters gyrate their hips lasciviously in mixed company and open their mouths wide to the camera. Every product has some sort of prurient innuendo built into its ad: Just Do It. Bigger Is Better. The More Potato Potato Chip. The Quicker Picker-Upper. In my day, the government would have forced that seductively grinning Bounty woman from the airwaves in the name of decency. But now there is a whole channel on which each evening I must watch the true and shocking stories of bare-breasted young cheerleaders, coeds, and nurses in 90-minute segments.

I was at the Kmart purchasing a mop and a roll of color film last week when a young female sales clerk bent over to pick something up off the floor, leaving a full view of her deepest bosom in my plain sight. Gazing upon the bosom, I immediately felt a deep, painful stabbing sensation in my chest and a wave of dread passing through me. It was a wonderful feeling, like so many I had felt in my days of youth. If only the youths of today could know such mind-shattering dread, perhaps this nation could stand tall once more.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close