Tonight I'm Going To Party Like It's The 10th Anniversary of 1999!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Sleep

Tonight I'm Going To Party Like It's The 10th Anniversary of 1999!

10…9…8…7…6…5… 4…3…2…1…Happy New Ye-—oops! I've already broken all of my resolutions!

Hello again, loyal readers and fellow residents from the yesteryear of 2009! The holiday season has finally come to a close, and not a moment too soon. Between all the office parties and dinners with the in-laws—and the other things I actually wanted to do—well…I'm just plain (reindeer) pooped! Yes, two months of spreading cheer has really taken a toll on ol' Saint Roger. Frankly, I'm surprised the New Year's ball was the only thing that dropped at the end of December.

I was tired enough to drop, too!

Is it just me, or did this year's Yuletide seem a little fa-la-la-la-looong? From Thanksgiving to Hanukkah to Christmas to Kwaanza to New Year's…. Hey, when exactly did I sign up to run this Merry-thon (marathon)? I swear, if I hear one more Christmas carol, I'm going to Rudolph all over my Christmas Shoes. This Winter Wonderland is quickly becoming a Winter Wonder-when-it-will-end-land. How about we get to the Last Noel already? Check, please!

I don't know about you guys, but it feels like I started eating turkey, hanging holly, and buying presents last year. Oh, wait. I did!

But seriously, I couldn't be happier that we've finally made it to 2010. It seemed like the distant future five years ago, when I promised my wife Rosemary that I would sell a book by 2010 or go back to hotel managing. But now that we're here, I've got only one thing to ask you:

Dude, where's my hovercar?

Honestly! I've seen enough Schwarzenegger classics to know the future is supposed to be much, much cooler than it is now. By 2010, we should have things like laser guns and supercomputers. Instead, we've got a stagnant economy, the Segway, and Congress. (And we're still waiting for that last one to become intelligent.)

The wife says she can't wait another year for this "comedy thing" to pan out? Well, I can't wait another year for food in pill form and holograms! Heck, I wouldn't even mind obeying an all-knowing dictator who watches over me constantly and judges everything I do. Er, someone besides my mother-in-law, that is. Yikes! That woman makes the Thought Police look like Barney Fife. Oh, (big) brother!

At any rate, 2010 is going to see a whole new Roger Dudek. I've made some very important New Year's resolutions. Of course, with my track record, maybe I should start calling them "reso-loose-tions." Because they couldn't be looser! Last year I resolved to stop eating fast food. Three days later I was begging the girl at McDonald's to "take her sweet time with those Big Macs." The only will power I have is the power to leave all my worldly possessions to Rosemary when I die. (I hope she likes VHS tapes of Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts and well-worn bathroom readers!)

More like won't power!

Reso-loose-tion No. 1: Spend more time with the twins. I know they say "Kids grow up fast," and that's certainly true with my girls. But, let me tell you, they're going in more directions than just "up"! In fact, they're going every which way at once! They've got school and soccer practice and band practice and hanging out at the mall and "none of your business, Dad." (That seems to be their favorite hang-out spot!) In fact, they bounce around in so many directions I'm not sure if they're getting older or I'm seeing tracers as they enter warp speed!

Reso-loose-tion No. 2: Get a copy of my book, Memoirs Of A Guy-sha, to Mr. Saturday Night, the great Billy Crystal. What with the publishing industry disappearing faster than Jack Nicholson's hairline and my book agent no longer taking my calls, it looks like I have to use all my connections to get this thing sold. Let's just hope my connections are still, er, connected. Otherwise, my situation is going to be like a second-rate USO tour:

Hope-less!

Reso-loose-tion No. 3: Learn a new word every day. Today my wife's sister invited us over for dinner, so I think I'm going to start with "no!"

Happy Back to Work-days, everyone! If you need me, I'll be at Burger King eating one french fry every three minutes!