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Too Many Plutocrats

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Too Many Plutocrats

I am tired of complicated things happening in my life. It means I am obliged to explain them in the next week's Message, and that I must not forget them as any decent man in the final stages of advanced senility would.

I ended last week's Message with the shocking words of Standish, who revealed that his Power-ball sweep-stakes ticket, which he had purchased during our terrible ordeal of poverty and exile, was worth $187 million. At first, I was heartened by his words, for Standish had been willing to sacrifice a good deal of his new fortune to secure my freedom from the evil kidnapper Black Scarlet and even helped organize his eventual capture.

But then it occurred to me: What business did Standish have being a millionaire, anyway? He's my man-servant, not a plutocrat, for the love of Mike! Why, the Standish family has been under the Zweibel family's employ and semi-ownership for more than 150 years. Standish's grand-father, Standish, was my father's valet, and his father, Standish, was my own valet until his death in 1937. In addition, generations of Standish-family women have been continually ravished by the Zweibel men, and many a bastard has been sired from these illicit unions. It disturbs the natural order of things for such a servile clan as the Standishes to possess such spectacular wealth. It would be tantamount to allowing the American people to own their own homes and automobiles. It just isn't done.

This is not to say that T. Herman Zweibel is a tyrant who refuses to provide amenities for his legions of hirelings. For example, nothing says I have to actually pay my servants, but I none-the-less see to it that they receive a small monthly stipend. And I always make sure that the roofs of the servants' huts are painstakingly rethatched every five years.

But I have a mind to challenge Standish for the ownership of the winnings. For one thing, I do not permit the servants to gamble, except on the cock-fight that is held in the court-yard every Zweibelmas Eve. More-over, he was still in my service when he and I sought asylum under the Burger-King, who later sent each of us away with $20, which Standish used in part to purchase the lottery ticket. There-fore, Standish's money is essentially mine. I should put my best solicitor on this, post-haste.

And post-haste is right. Already, Standish is putting on airs and behaving in a way that is inappropriate for his station. This morning, he entered my bed-chamber wearing a uniform made entirely of fine porcelain. Disgraceful!

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