Truth Be Told, I Have Nothing To Say

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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

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FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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Truth Be Told, I Have Nothing To Say

If I may interject here, I'd like to point out something I think the group will find relevant—or if not relevant, at least somewhat interesting—regarding the ongoing discussion. Well, to be honest, I doubt the group will actually find it interesting, since technically, it doesn't pertain to the current topic. What I'm trying to get across—if I can have your attention for just a minute or two—is that I have nothing to say.

If you'll give me a chance to finish my point, Donna, I'll be able to explain. I mean, I hate to be rude, but I don't like to be interrupted when I'm in the middle of trying to say something, even if that thing has no value at all. I mean, I've been sitting here listening to all of you go on and on about every little thing. I would think you could do me the same courtesy by allowing me to dominate the conversation for a moment.

Let me begin by asking you a few questions: Don't I have as much right as anyone else at this meeting to be the center of attention? Why should I be punished because I have nothing to add about rising energy costs, plummeting revenues, and...all that other stuff? Why shouldn't I be allowed to spin 10 or 20 meaningless paragraphs of hollow verbiage to bolster my self-esteem?

Ladies and gentlemen, the fact of the matter is that I enjoy talking. Correction—I have a desperate, pathological need to talk and, more importantly, to be heard by other people. Furthermore—and I believe this notion to be of the utmost importance in understanding my overall lack of a point—I am extremely good at talking for extended periods of time, to which I might add—

Excuse me! I'm speaking here! Thank you.

To begin again: To which I might add, in addition to these abilities that I just mentioned, I have also my verbosity, discursiveness, and long-windedness—to say nothing of my ability to string together three synonymous, redundant, and repetitive terms in a row, as I just did, twice in the same sentence—all of this is of paramount importance to the point I am trying to make...

Excuse me! Will you at least let me finish my sentence?!

What was I saying? Well, it couldn't have been important. At the end of the day, I'm sure you'll agree that what it all comes down to is not so much that it all comes down to anything, but that it comes down to nothing. In summary, I have no summary. And in conclusion, I have no conclusion. Nevertheless, I enjoyed my opportunity to speak. For now I have had a chance to speak, and you have all listened to me. Having said that, I would like to add that, though it may go without saying, I welcome any responses you may have to what I've just said—or more precisely, not said—here today. I am open to any such comments at this time.

All right, then. Donna, you have the floor.