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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Truth Be Told, I Have Nothing To Say

If I may interject here, I'd like to point out something I think the group will find relevant—or if not relevant, at least somewhat interesting—regarding the ongoing discussion. Well, to be honest, I doubt the group will actually find it interesting, since technically, it doesn't pertain to the current topic. What I'm trying to get across—if I can have your attention for just a minute or two—is that I have nothing to say.

If you'll give me a chance to finish my point, Donna, I'll be able to explain. I mean, I hate to be rude, but I don't like to be interrupted when I'm in the middle of trying to say something, even if that thing has no value at all. I mean, I've been sitting here listening to all of you go on and on about every little thing. I would think you could do me the same courtesy by allowing me to dominate the conversation for a moment.

Let me begin by asking you a few questions: Don't I have as much right as anyone else at this meeting to be the center of attention? Why should I be punished because I have nothing to add about rising energy costs, plummeting revenues, and...all that other stuff? Why shouldn't I be allowed to spin 10 or 20 meaningless paragraphs of hollow verbiage to bolster my self-esteem?

Ladies and gentlemen, the fact of the matter is that I enjoy talking. Correction—I have a desperate, pathological need to talk and, more importantly, to be heard by other people. Furthermore—and I believe this notion to be of the utmost importance in understanding my overall lack of a point—I am extremely good at talking for extended periods of time, to which I might add—

Excuse me! I'm speaking here! Thank you.

To begin again: To which I might add, in addition to these abilities that I just mentioned, I have also my verbosity, discursiveness, and long-windedness—to say nothing of my ability to string together three synonymous, redundant, and repetitive terms in a row, as I just did, twice in the same sentence—all of this is of paramount importance to the point I am trying to make...

Excuse me! Will you at least let me finish my sentence?!

What was I saying? Well, it couldn't have been important. At the end of the day, I'm sure you'll agree that what it all comes down to is not so much that it all comes down to anything, but that it comes down to nothing. In summary, I have no summary. And in conclusion, I have no conclusion. Nevertheless, I enjoyed my opportunity to speak. For now I have had a chance to speak, and you have all listened to me. Having said that, I would like to add that, though it may go without saying, I welcome any responses you may have to what I've just said—or more precisely, not said—here today. I am open to any such comments at this time.

All right, then. Donna, you have the floor.

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