Truth Be Told, I Have Nothing To Say

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Vol 41 Issue 06

Darling, I Will Give You The Moon And The Stars vs. Giving Me The Moon And Stars Would Have Disastrous Effects On Our Galaxy

Dearest Sally, I can no longer hide what I've been feeling since the day you borrowed my pen at Kampus Koffee. If I don't let my emotions out, I'll burst with the sheer intensity of longing to be by your side. All day, every day, I think of nothing but you. I would follow you to the ends of the earth, to the bottom of the deepest sea, or live with you at the top of the highest mountain. You are everything to me, and without you, I am just an insignificant speck in an uncaring universe. Say you'll be mine, and I'll give you the clouds, the sun, the rain, the sky—I will give you the whole world.

'Get TiVo' Friend's Solution To Everything

SANTA MONICA, CA—According to waiter and aspiring writer Ian Shortridge, his friend Dan Stavers has only one piece of advice: "Get TiVo." "You could program a Season Pass so that you never miss the business report," Stavers said, after Shortridge complained that he couldn't get a mortgage. "I'm telling you, TiVo will change your life. Hey, I was right about the iPod, wasn't I?" Since purchasing a digital-video recorder in 2002, Stavers has urged Shortridge to buy one so he can "spend more time writing instead of sitting through all those commercials," "tape some fitness shows and find out how to get in shape," and "catch some funny movies" to help him get over his father's death.

Awkward Tension Mistaken For Sexual Tension

WATERTOWN, MA—Joel Dashner, 34, interpreted acquaintance Lori Rezala's nervous shifting, awkward giggling, and inability to make eye contact at a mutual friend's dinner party as a sign of mounting sexual heat, Dashner said Monday. "I really hit it off with Lori," Dashner said. "We were both too jittery to really say much, but I could feel the spark between us. I'm sure neither of us will forget that magic moment when we bumped hands and spilled each other's drinks." Rezala later told reporters that Dashner "ruined one of her favorite sweaters and stared at [her] all night like he was some kind of crazy person."

Bush Defends Deny-Side Economics

WASHINGTON, DC—Fielding questions from reporters at a Tuesday press conference, President Bush defended his adherence to the principles of deny-side economics. "Nope," the president said. "I keep hearing people say that the U.S. economy is troubled, but that isn't true. Our economy is strong. We just have to keep on doing what we're doing, and everything will work out." Leading economists say they are curious to see whether the president's optimism will trickle down into the public consciousness.

Census Bureau: 9,000 To 15,000 People Work At Census Bureau

WASHINGTON, DC—According to 2004 figures released by the U.S. Census Bureau, between 9,000 and 15,000 people work at the Census Bureau. "It is difficult to obtain an accurate figure on Census Bureau employees, because workers frequently move from department to department," U.S. Census director Charles Kincannon said. "Also, many supervisors failed to return the mail-in forms that asked them to list how many employees they have." Kincannon warned all census-bureau employees to take the census-bureau census more seriously, under penalty of law.

Product Placement Mars Otherwise Exciting Super Bowl

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Although NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue declared the Super Bowl XXXIX experiment with in-game product placement a success, fans and players expressed mixed feelings about the championship game Monday.

The In-Flight Cell-Phone Ban

The FCC is currently reviewing its ban on the use of cell phones during flights, but many passengers say they like the restriction. What do you think?
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Truth Be Told, I Have Nothing To Say

If I may interject here, I'd like to point out something I think the group will find relevant—or if not relevant, at least somewhat interesting—regarding the ongoing discussion. Well, to be honest, I doubt the group will actually find it interesting, since technically, it doesn't pertain to the current topic. What I'm trying to get across—if I can have your attention for just a minute or two—is that I have nothing to say.

If you'll give me a chance to finish my point, Donna, I'll be able to explain. I mean, I hate to be rude, but I don't like to be interrupted when I'm in the middle of trying to say something, even if that thing has no value at all. I mean, I've been sitting here listening to all of you go on and on about every little thing. I would think you could do me the same courtesy by allowing me to dominate the conversation for a moment.

Let me begin by asking you a few questions: Don't I have as much right as anyone else at this meeting to be the center of attention? Why should I be punished because I have nothing to add about rising energy costs, plummeting revenues, and...all that other stuff? Why shouldn't I be allowed to spin 10 or 20 meaningless paragraphs of hollow verbiage to bolster my self-esteem?

Ladies and gentlemen, the fact of the matter is that I enjoy talking. Correction—I have a desperate, pathological need to talk and, more importantly, to be heard by other people. Furthermore—and I believe this notion to be of the utmost importance in understanding my overall lack of a point—I am extremely good at talking for extended periods of time, to which I might add—

Excuse me! I'm speaking here! Thank you.

To begin again: To which I might add, in addition to these abilities that I just mentioned, I have also my verbosity, discursiveness, and long-windedness—to say nothing of my ability to string together three synonymous, redundant, and repetitive terms in a row, as I just did, twice in the same sentence—all of this is of paramount importance to the point I am trying to make...

Excuse me! Will you at least let me finish my sentence?!

What was I saying? Well, it couldn't have been important. At the end of the day, I'm sure you'll agree that what it all comes down to is not so much that it all comes down to anything, but that it comes down to nothing. In summary, I have no summary. And in conclusion, I have no conclusion. Nevertheless, I enjoyed my opportunity to speak. For now I have had a chance to speak, and you have all listened to me. Having said that, I would like to add that, though it may go without saying, I welcome any responses you may have to what I've just said—or more precisely, not said—here today. I am open to any such comments at this time.

All right, then. Donna, you have the floor.

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