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Truth Be Told, I Have Nothing To Say

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Truth Be Told, I Have Nothing To Say

If I may interject here, I'd like to point out something I think the group will find relevant—or if not relevant, at least somewhat interesting—regarding the ongoing discussion. Well, to be honest, I doubt the group will actually find it interesting, since technically, it doesn't pertain to the current topic. What I'm trying to get across—if I can have your attention for just a minute or two—is that I have nothing to say.

If you'll give me a chance to finish my point, Donna, I'll be able to explain. I mean, I hate to be rude, but I don't like to be interrupted when I'm in the middle of trying to say something, even if that thing has no value at all. I mean, I've been sitting here listening to all of you go on and on about every little thing. I would think you could do me the same courtesy by allowing me to dominate the conversation for a moment.

Let me begin by asking you a few questions: Don't I have as much right as anyone else at this meeting to be the center of attention? Why should I be punished because I have nothing to add about rising energy costs, plummeting revenues, and...all that other stuff? Why shouldn't I be allowed to spin 10 or 20 meaningless paragraphs of hollow verbiage to bolster my self-esteem?

Ladies and gentlemen, the fact of the matter is that I enjoy talking. Correction—I have a desperate, pathological need to talk and, more importantly, to be heard by other people. Furthermore—and I believe this notion to be of the utmost importance in understanding my overall lack of a point—I am extremely good at talking for extended periods of time, to which I might add—

Excuse me! I'm speaking here! Thank you.

To begin again: To which I might add, in addition to these abilities that I just mentioned, I have also my verbosity, discursiveness, and long-windedness—to say nothing of my ability to string together three synonymous, redundant, and repetitive terms in a row, as I just did, twice in the same sentence—all of this is of paramount importance to the point I am trying to make...

Excuse me! Will you at least let me finish my sentence?!

What was I saying? Well, it couldn't have been important. At the end of the day, I'm sure you'll agree that what it all comes down to is not so much that it all comes down to anything, but that it comes down to nothing. In summary, I have no summary. And in conclusion, I have no conclusion. Nevertheless, I enjoyed my opportunity to speak. For now I have had a chance to speak, and you have all listened to me. Having said that, I would like to add that, though it may go without saying, I welcome any responses you may have to what I've just said—or more precisely, not said—here today. I am open to any such comments at this time.

All right, then. Donna, you have the floor.

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