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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
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Turn The Lights Down Low

Girl, I am going to treat you to a romantic night tonight.

I know you have enjoyed being freaked wild by me in the past. We have made love all night long. We have been drenched in sweat, bumping and grinding between my satin sheets like wild animals in a heated lust. We have hit the skins doggy-style. But tonight, baby, I am going to change the pace. I am going to soften the mood. Let Smoove B orchestrate an evening of romance for you. Here is how I am going to do that:

I am going to turn the lights down low. And I am going to be more gentle with you than you could ever imagine. I am going to prepare for you a gourmet meal the likes of which a queen has not even seen. There will be romantic music playing while we eat the meal. We will listen to something with class, such as Anita Baker or Luther, or perhaps my special "Smoove Groove" mix tape. And I will have candles present to set the mood just right.

You will be treated like a lady. You have my word on that.

I will serve you cooked pheasant with succulent gravy and white wine. I will serve you hand and foot. I will serve you on a soft, silk table-cloth that has been freshly laundered and purchased from the finest table-cloth store in all of creation. It will be the most spectacular dinner you have ever consumed.

There will also be corn served.

For dessert, we will eat sorbet from France. To procure this sorbet, I will take a plane to France and inspect all of the finest ice-cream merchants that I can locate, and I will purchase only the sorbet that passes my very strict standard of quality. It must be firm and flavorful, yet melt in your mouth. I will fly back to you with the sorbet, and I will feed it to you on a spoon of the finest silver construction, polished for days on end. I will slave with rags and polishing cleansers in agony just for one moment of your pleasure.

Baby, I can't stand it. Straddle me right here, right now. Let me bring you off nasty.

Damn.

After dessert, I will turn the lights down even lower, and we will adjourn to my leather sofa next to my bay window, which overlooks the city lights. Wind will blow through the open window upon your beautiful skin, and you will ask that I hold you. And I will do so. This is how it will go down.

I will caress your entire dark, chocolate body, and I will whisper in your ear various phrases which express how beautiful your body is. I will say, "Girl, I care for you very deeply. You have the most beautiful body that has ever been created, and I have got to bag it." And you will quiver with pleasure. After several more hours of intense pleasure from my soft, light strokes and my romantic words, I will put my sting in you, down low. And it will be the most romantic experience of your life. I promise.

Smoove out.

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