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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Turn The Lights Down Low

Girl, I am going to treat you to a romantic night tonight.

I know you have enjoyed being freaked wild by me in the past. We have made love all night long. We have been drenched in sweat, bumping and grinding between my satin sheets like wild animals in a heated lust. We have hit the skins doggy-style. But tonight, baby, I am going to change the pace. I am going to soften the mood. Let Smoove B orchestrate an evening of romance for you. Here is how I am going to do that:

I am going to turn the lights down low. And I am going to be more gentle with you than you could ever imagine. I am going to prepare for you a gourmet meal the likes of which a queen has not even seen. There will be romantic music playing while we eat the meal. We will listen to something with class, such as Anita Baker or Luther, or perhaps my special "Smoove Groove" mix tape. And I will have candles present to set the mood just right.

You will be treated like a lady. You have my word on that.

I will serve you cooked pheasant with succulent gravy and white wine. I will serve you hand and foot. I will serve you on a soft, silk table-cloth that has been freshly laundered and purchased from the finest table-cloth store in all of creation. It will be the most spectacular dinner you have ever consumed.

There will also be corn served.

For dessert, we will eat sorbet from France. To procure this sorbet, I will take a plane to France and inspect all of the finest ice-cream merchants that I can locate, and I will purchase only the sorbet that passes my very strict standard of quality. It must be firm and flavorful, yet melt in your mouth. I will fly back to you with the sorbet, and I will feed it to you on a spoon of the finest silver construction, polished for days on end. I will slave with rags and polishing cleansers in agony just for one moment of your pleasure.

Baby, I can't stand it. Straddle me right here, right now. Let me bring you off nasty.

Damn.

After dessert, I will turn the lights down even lower, and we will adjourn to my leather sofa next to my bay window, which overlooks the city lights. Wind will blow through the open window upon your beautiful skin, and you will ask that I hold you. And I will do so. This is how it will go down.

I will caress your entire dark, chocolate body, and I will whisper in your ear various phrases which express how beautiful your body is. I will say, "Girl, I care for you very deeply. You have the most beautiful body that has ever been created, and I have got to bag it." And you will quiver with pleasure. After several more hours of intense pleasure from my soft, light strokes and my romantic words, I will put my sting in you, down low. And it will be the most romantic experience of your life. I promise.

Smoove out.