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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Turn The Lights Down Low

Girl, I am going to treat you to a romantic night tonight.

I know you have enjoyed being freaked wild by me in the past. We have made love all night long. We have been drenched in sweat, bumping and grinding between my satin sheets like wild animals in a heated lust. We have hit the skins doggy-style. But tonight, baby, I am going to change the pace. I am going to soften the mood. Let Smoove B orchestrate an evening of romance for you. Here is how I am going to do that:

I am going to turn the lights down low. And I am going to be more gentle with you than you could ever imagine. I am going to prepare for you a gourmet meal the likes of which a queen has not even seen. There will be romantic music playing while we eat the meal. We will listen to something with class, such as Anita Baker or Luther, or perhaps my special "Smoove Groove" mix tape. And I will have candles present to set the mood just right.

You will be treated like a lady. You have my word on that.

I will serve you cooked pheasant with succulent gravy and white wine. I will serve you hand and foot. I will serve you on a soft, silk table-cloth that has been freshly laundered and purchased from the finest table-cloth store in all of creation. It will be the most spectacular dinner you have ever consumed.

There will also be corn served.

For dessert, we will eat sorbet from France. To procure this sorbet, I will take a plane to France and inspect all of the finest ice-cream merchants that I can locate, and I will purchase only the sorbet that passes my very strict standard of quality. It must be firm and flavorful, yet melt in your mouth. I will fly back to you with the sorbet, and I will feed it to you on a spoon of the finest silver construction, polished for days on end. I will slave with rags and polishing cleansers in agony just for one moment of your pleasure.

Baby, I can't stand it. Straddle me right here, right now. Let me bring you off nasty.

Damn.

After dessert, I will turn the lights down even lower, and we will adjourn to my leather sofa next to my bay window, which overlooks the city lights. Wind will blow through the open window upon your beautiful skin, and you will ask that I hold you. And I will do so. This is how it will go down.

I will caress your entire dark, chocolate body, and I will whisper in your ear various phrases which express how beautiful your body is. I will say, "Girl, I care for you very deeply. You have the most beautiful body that has ever been created, and I have got to bag it." And you will quiver with pleasure. After several more hours of intense pleasure from my soft, light strokes and my romantic words, I will put my sting in you, down low. And it will be the most romantic experience of your life. I promise.

Smoove out.

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