Turn The Lights Down Low

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Vol 33 Issue 22

Suburban Teen Has Near-Def Experience

NEWTON, MA—Matthew Denny, a 17-year-old suburban Caucasian, is recuperating following a harrowing near-def experience Monday at Newton's NorthTowne Mall. "He came out of Bradlee's wearing a Starter jacket and Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirt, and suddenly he fell down and went into convulsions," witness Irene Wheeler said. "Writhing on the floor in those baggy pants, he looked like he was on the verge of def." Denny was rushed to a local hospital, where doctors administered emergency doses of Matchbox 20's Yourself Or Someone Like You.

Mongol Hordes Sack U.S.

An estimated $800 billion in damage was caused Monday when a horde of bloodthirsty Mongols sacked and pillaged the U.S. The horse-mounted Mongol warriors, operating from a stronghold in the Canadian wilderness, moved in from the north and plundered U.S. riches, sweeping as far south as Oklahoma before making their way back across the border. President Clinton is calling for the construction of a national moat to prevent future attacks.

Aerobics Show Used For Almost Completely Non-Aerobic Purpose

BELLEVUE, WA—The aerobics program Get Fit With Jenni was used for almost entirely non-aerobic purposes Tuesday, when Seattle-area 15-year-old Brian Elkins vigorously engaged in a low-impact cardiovascular workout while watching the TV show. Elkins performed his semi-aerobic routine while watching 22-year-old host Jenni Raye, clad in a spandex bikini-top and form-fitting lycra shorts, do hamstring-toning leg lifts while bent over on all fours. "We have determined that Brian's heart rate increased by about 35 percent during his semi-strenuous nine-minute regimen," said Elkins family physician Dr. Edward Farber. "His breathing rate likewise increased, and several large and small muscle groups received a modicum of aerobic movement and stretching." Elkins, who woke up with minor soreness the next day, said he "could really feel it working."

Report: Nuclear Arsenal Will Go Bad Unless Used By 2000

WASHINGTON, DC—A Defense Department report released Monday stated that the U.S. has barely a year and a half before its enormous stockpile of nuclear missiles goes bad. "Most of these weapons were manufactured in the mid-'70s with an expiration date of January 2000," the report read. Reacting quickly to the findings, Pentagon officials are hard at work fomenting overseas discord in hopes of preventing government waste.

Viagra Giving Hope To Thousands Of Struggling Stand-Up Comedians

Released only a few months ago, the new wonder-drug Viagra is providing hope for thousands of impotent stand-up acts across the U.S. "Could you imagine if Godzilla took Viagra?" said Chuckle Factory emcee Tony Campanelli, one of the many struggling stand-up performers whose sense of comedic vitality and virility have been boosted by the drug. "That Statue Of Liberty had better watch out." Chicago-area improv-troupe member Bobby Childs agreed. "We just ask the audience to suggest a popular new medication, and someone always yells Viagra. A laugh riot never fails to ensue," Childs said. "Medical science has truly blessed us with a second chance at pleasing audiences."

Area Turtle Owner Enjoys Special Daily Turtle-Time

DEARBORN, MI—Dennis Frye, 31, an unmarried lawn-care-supply wholesaler and home-turtle enthusiast, took special time out Monday, as he does every day, to enjoy quality care, feeding and maintenance of his pet turtle Sheldon.
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Turn The Lights Down Low

Girl, I am going to treat you to a romantic night tonight.

I know you have enjoyed being freaked wild by me in the past. We have made love all night long. We have been drenched in sweat, bumping and grinding between my satin sheets like wild animals in a heated lust. We have hit the skins doggy-style. But tonight, baby, I am going to change the pace. I am going to soften the mood. Let Smoove B orchestrate an evening of romance for you. Here is how I am going to do that:

I am going to turn the lights down low. And I am going to be more gentle with you than you could ever imagine. I am going to prepare for you a gourmet meal the likes of which a queen has not even seen. There will be romantic music playing while we eat the meal. We will listen to something with class, such as Anita Baker or Luther, or perhaps my special "Smoove Groove" mix tape. And I will have candles present to set the mood just right.

You will be treated like a lady. You have my word on that.

I will serve you cooked pheasant with succulent gravy and white wine. I will serve you hand and foot. I will serve you on a soft, silk table-cloth that has been freshly laundered and purchased from the finest table-cloth store in all of creation. It will be the most spectacular dinner you have ever consumed.

There will also be corn served.

For dessert, we will eat sorbet from France. To procure this sorbet, I will take a plane to France and inspect all of the finest ice-cream merchants that I can locate, and I will purchase only the sorbet that passes my very strict standard of quality. It must be firm and flavorful, yet melt in your mouth. I will fly back to you with the sorbet, and I will feed it to you on a spoon of the finest silver construction, polished for days on end. I will slave with rags and polishing cleansers in agony just for one moment of your pleasure.

Baby, I can't stand it. Straddle me right here, right now. Let me bring you off nasty.

Damn.

After dessert, I will turn the lights down even lower, and we will adjourn to my leather sofa next to my bay window, which overlooks the city lights. Wind will blow through the open window upon your beautiful skin, and you will ask that I hold you. And I will do so. This is how it will go down.

I will caress your entire dark, chocolate body, and I will whisper in your ear various phrases which express how beautiful your body is. I will say, "Girl, I care for you very deeply. You have the most beautiful body that has ever been created, and I have got to bag it." And you will quiver with pleasure. After several more hours of intense pleasure from my soft, light strokes and my romantic words, I will put my sting in you, down low. And it will be the most romantic experience of your life. I promise.

Smoove out.

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