Two Pack Shaker Is Dead!

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Vol 30 Issue 10

Second-Grader Expelled From Sex Farm

WINSLOW, OK—Controversy erupted Monday at an area sex farm/white slavery compound when second-grader Tim Hildemen was expelled for refusing to felch a llama. "This kind of inhibited behavior is totally inappropriate for our sex farm," sex farm commandant Henry Prathers said. The felching incident was to be part of a group-sex video produced by the compound leaders. Hildemen, 7, will be blindfolded, then driven in the sex-farm van to an undisclosed locale and pushed out. Summing up the reaction of an outraged community, mother Ellen Mayes said: "What kind of message does Tim's behavior send to other kids?"

Verb To Follow Noun; Prepositional Phrase To Follow

NEW YORK—A verb is slated to follow a noun in an area sentence this week, with a prepositional phrase expected to follow by sentence end. President Clinton, a proper noun, praised the sentence, saying, "I am proud to commend this basic achievement in sentence construction." There was no comment from the sentence, as it did not contain quotation marks at press time.

White To Attend Boat Show

BALTIMORE—A white is expected to attend the 11th Annual World Boating Expo here next week. "I'll be looking at some of the speedboats," the white said, "but I don't think I can afford one this year." The white, Jerry Strickler, 51, a Baltimore-area orthodontist, is slated to arrive at the boat show some time early Saturday and depart later in the day. It is believed he will wear slacks and a tie. "I'm excited to have this white come to the show," said Bob Elderbrecht, a boat show organizer. "It will be easy to spot him, since he is a white."

Presidential Debate To Be Accompanied By Sultry Latin Beat

SAN DIEGO—Wednesday's presidential debate will be made more exciting by the addition of a sultry Latin beat, provided by the famed Cuban salsa combo Manny Rios and the Havana Horns. The band will be seated directly between the candidates on the stage, providing a steady, conga- and maraca-driven beat throughout the debate. Bandleader Rios will also periodically interrupt the candidates with loud cries of "Aye aye aye aye aye aye!" While the candidates have complained that the beat may be a distraction, the TV networks and debate organizers insisted, explaining that the spicy Latin rhythm may be the only thing that entices viewers to watch. Said Republican candidate Bob Dole, "Bob Dole doesn't want to have to speak over the din of bongo drums when he's talking about important issues. Bob Dole is and will always be a staunch opponent of Manny Rios and the Havana Horns."

Angels Among Us?

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?

Teens Get Drunk On Award-Winning Microbrew

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—The subtle interplay of the three varietal hops in MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout went tragically unappreciated Saturday when a group of high-school students got shitfaced on a case of the award-winning microbrew.

NAACP Says Enough Done To Promote Racial Equality

WASHINGTON, DC—Kweisi Mfume, executive director of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, told reporters at a press conference yesterday that the NAACP would disband effective immediately, as a more-than-satisfactory amount of effort has been made to promote racial equality.

Fat-Free Frenzy

Despite Health warnings, Americans are gobbling up fat-free products like never before. Why are we so hungry for them?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Holiday

Two Pack Shaker Is Dead!

Item! Obliquely named "rapper" (as it's known in some parts) Two Pack Shaker was shot in Las Vegas recently, and he slipped away into gangster heaven days later. Two Pack lived a life of "rapping" about drugs and crime and shooting, but let's not dwell on that which Allanis Morrisete (my new favorite!) would call ironic. Rather, we should mourn the loss of a wounded human being who was looking for love.

Perhaps this will serve as a wake-up call to other "rappers" who perform songs about being a gangster. Plus, everyone knows that the original gangster, Frank Sinatra, makes his livelihood in Las Vegas. This could very well be a turf war the likes of which were prevalent in Chicago, 1929.

Item! Captain William Shatner, made honorary captain for his work on Star Trek and Rescue 911, granted the dying wish of a young fan last week when he donned his uniform and "beamed down" into the child's hospital room. (Actually, the effect was produced by putting a pillowcase over the boy's head until Shatner was in place.) Shatner cheered him up, guaranteeing him a seat in the captain's chair when he recovered. Unfortunately, the boy is in the terminal phase of leukemia, so he'll never recover, but still, it's a nice gesture from the man affectionately known by all as Captain Kirk.

Item! Redhead teen heartthrob Anthony Michael Hall, star of The Breakfast Club, recently celebrated his sweet 16 with—what else?—a new car! According to my sources, it's a nice, sensible car, a blue, four-door sedan of an as-yet-unknown make and model. Don't worry, though—I'll be sure to let you know the moment we have any further information. It's good to know he didn't go for something flashy like a Jaguar or Porsche, the kinds of cars he could have easily afforded due to his celebrity status. A heart of gold and a class act to boot, that Anthony Michael Hall.

Famous female? Male? RuPaul is getting her own talk show. That just goes to prove something I stated in my column a few weeks back, and that is that everyone has their own talk show. I'll be getting one of my own soon. Just kidding! I really won't be. But if Hollywood calls...

I just wish that people would stop smoking. I mean, it's really not glamorous. Plus, there are other people who have to breathe your smelly smoke. Come on, people!

Also in the "where there's smoke, there's fire" department, everybody's smoking cigars! There are clubs where people go to smoke cigars. There are magazines about it. And I even recently saw a photograph of leggy superstar Julia Roberts smoking one. Well, if it's good enough for the Pretty Woman, then maybe cigar smoking is okay. But you cigarette smokers are still on my list!

That Samuel L. Jackson sure works hard for his money. Is there a movie this year he isn't in?

Item! He made you laugh in Stakeout. He made you cry in Mr. Holland's Opus. And now he's making us happy. I'm talking, of course, about the great Richard Dreyfuss, who finally got his own star on Hollywood Boulevard. A star for a star is only fitting.

Well, all eyes were on the vice-presidential debate last week, and I think that the winner, hands down, was Mr. Al Gore. He looked positively vice-presidential.

Item! The hot buzz around Hollywood is that Dr. Hunk himself, George Clooney, is going to be playing the part of Batman in an upcoming movie called Batman and Robin. Is the rugged surgeon nervous about taking over the role made famous by Burt Ward? Apparently not! George is cool as a cucumber, and this should be just another operation for him, only he'll be taking crime out of the streets instead of tumors out of people's livers.

Can anyone tell me how to do this mascarena everyone's talking about? I'm a fast learner! Really!

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