Upon Reflection, I May Have Exaggerated My Skills In Midwifery

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Vol 40 Issue 35

Grocery-Store Worker Can't Bear To Eat Food Anymore

FLOURISSANT, MO—Pick'n Save stockboy Joel Melcher said Monday that his overexposure to groceries has destroyed his taste for food. "When I first started working here, I thought, 'This is awesome—I'll be able to bring bags of food home from work every night,'" said Melcher, who receives a 25 percent discount at the store. "But now, being around it all day long, at the end of the day I can't even stand to look at frozen food, baked goods, meat, dairy items, or produce. Makes me sick just thinking about it." Melcher has vowed that, when he gets a new job, he "will never set foot in a grocery store ever again."

Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker

EVANSVILLE, WY—Rod Jensen, a 25-year-old smoker with a two-pack-a-day habit, drew inspiration from 83-year-old Leo Menting Monday. "See, that guy over there's still kicking," Jensen said, after he saw the elderly man smoking a Marlboro at Caroline's Corner Cafe. "I'm always hearing about the health risks of smoking, and how it can kill you, but look at that old dude. He doesn't have one of those holes in his throat. He's not even using a cane." Minutes later, Jensen added onion rings to his order after seeing Menting's wife do the same.

The Scream Poster Stolen From Area Dorm Room

ST. PAUL, MN—Concordia University campus police are still investigating Tuesday's theft of a poster of Edvard Munch's The Scream from an area dorm room. "We're doing everything in our power to recover the poster," officer Donald Benson said of the poster, which was stolen while the two residents of 204 Walther Hall were studying in the second-floor common area. "With its iconic contorted human figure beneath a swirling red sky, The Scream is a masterpiece of German expressionism, and the poster was valued at $7.95." The work of art is one of only 86 copies known to exist on the campus.

Cheney Urged Not To Work Blue During Convention

WASHINGTON, DC—At the insistence of members of the Republican Party, Vice-President Dick Cheney agreed not to work blue during the Republican National Convention, GOP sources reported Monday. "I sat him down and said, 'Dick, this is going to be on television, and we want to project a good, family-friendly image. You've gotta keep it clean,'" Republican National Committee chairman Ed Gillespie said. "I keep trying to get it through to him that using the 'F' word just shows a lack of imagination." A spokesman for Cheney said the vice-president will tone down his speech, but argued that Cheney is "only saying what everyone's already thinking."

Many Lack Potable Water

According to a recent U.N. report, more than one billion people worldwide lack access to clean drinking water. What do you think?

Son, We'd All Like To Lie Around All Day Being 'Clinically Depressed'

Justin? Justin, can you hear me through this door? Are you asleep again? Your mom said you got up to use the bathroom a minute ago. She was hoping you were coming down to have dinner with us. No? Hello? Well, son, I know that you have a real problem; at least, that's what the therapist tells us. Anyway, you're not alone. We all get a little low sometimes. Life is certainly no picnic—don't I know it! But usually, after a while, folks snap out of their funks. Not because they want to, but because they come around to the fact that they have no choice. The truth is, son, we'd all like to lie around all day being "clinically depressed," but at some point, we have to swallow hard and face the music. Step up to the ol' plate.
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Upon Reflection, I May Have Exaggerated My Skills In Midwifery

Okay, Helen, you're doing great. Just remember to breathe. In... out. In... out. Fantastic. Just listen to the ocean-waves CD and try to relax. I think I can see the baby. Yeah, you're crowning, and it looks—oh, holy Christ! It's covered in blood! It's supposed to be like that? I mean, of course it's supposed to be like that. Of course. I remember that episode of ER. It was just like that.

"Expert"? I'm sorry. Let me clarify. I've wanted to try my hand at delivering a baby for a long time, and I thought it was time to give it a shot. Midwifery has been an interest of mine for months now, but the best way to learn is to roll up your sleeves and just do it. My advertisement said "expert"? I probably meant to say "enthusiast." They both start with an "e." It's an easy mistake.

It looks like you're fully dilated now. Well, I think that's what's happening. I know! I'll call my sister and ask. She was going to school to be an obstetrician, but dropped out. Now she manages a Denny's. Hey, will you hand me my purse? It's right... Jeez, you don't have to bite my head off.

Are you okay? That looks really painful. I mean, really—egghh. You know, my mother said she needed morphine like crazy when she gave birth to me. She said she screamed bloody murder for something like 28 hours. Heck, after about five minutes, I'd be like, "Put me under and cut me open—I want this sucker out!" But I guess some people like to do it natural. That's cool. I really respect that.

Take a deep breath and punch. I mean, push. That's it. Push! Push!

Ooh! Good news! It looks like a breach! Is that the word for when the baby comes out head-first? Breach? Oh, sorry then. I meant it's not a breach birth. I've seen plenty of babies before tonight, and that's no foot. It's probably a head. Unless it's a butt. If it is, your baby has one hairy butt. Joke! Just trying to lighten the mood.

What? I don't think I said that I've delivered hundreds of babies. You probably just misheard me. Are you sure? Well, then I meant I wanted to deliver hundreds of babies. And who wouldn't? Childbirth is a miraculous thing. We're ushering a new life into the world, the two of us, together.

Hm, it's too bad I forgot to bring that stuff I printed out from the Internet.

Helen, there's no use in playing "he said-she said." We have a baby to deliver. How about we focus? Now squeeze. Squeeze!

All right, "push," if you want to nitpick. So what if I did jump the gun when I said that I'd trained for this? That was months ago! I really thought by the time you went into labor... See, I was planning on training for it. You know what? I'm going to register for some classes as soon as we're outta here. How late do you think...?

Ouch! How would you like it if I squeezed your arm that hard? Maybe I just will.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's no reason to panic. I know exactly what I'm doing. I looked through a book called All Creatures Great And Small. They delivered a calf in it. And I got a government pamphlet from Pueblo, Colorado. It was in Spanish, but I got the general feel.

Hey, how about a little swig? Here—it's just vodka. There's still some left. Okay, suit yourself.

Jesus Christ, are you supposed to do that? Oh boy! What a mess. Hold on. I'm getting a little... I need to sit down.

Okay, I got a feeling that the rough stuff is almost over. The head is nearly out. Just one more squeeze and... Presto!

Hey, quit squirming, you. Almost dropped you there. I said quit squirming. Quit squirming! It's a—hang on—boy? Girl? You can't tell when they're this little. At least you can't with cats. Hold on, hold on. You'll get your turn. "Hello, little darling. Hello. Moo-moo. Moo-moo. Who's a little moo-moo?"

Okay, okay. I'll have to wipe some stuff off here first. Do you have a towel around here? There, thanks. Oh, girl. Definitely, this is a girl. We're out of the woods. And you were worried!

Oh, sweet mother! There's something else coming out. It's—oh... my... God! It's twins, but this one is... deformed. It doesn't have eyes or arms or legs. It's just a big sack of bloody goo. Let me check something here. No, it doesn't seem to have a pulse. Just the umbilical cord. The other end goes to your baby. Pla-what? Placenta? Really?

Well, I'll be. Learn from your mistakes, I always say.

Let me tie off your umbilical cord... and... okay, we're good to go. You'll want to spend some time with your darling little girl, so I'll just mosey along, just as soon as I get my check.

Oh, and keep in mind that, if you ever need a nanny, I'm the best there is.

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