vermin verse

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Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

    DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Sleep

vermin verse

dear readers do not be alarmed

but since i became a giant cock roach

i ve found it easier to type write in lower case

i have a hard time moving the shift key

i used to dictate my column to nurse pin head

but I can no longer speak because slime

drools from my mandibles and garbles my words

so i have under taken the type writing my self

pardon the choppy vers libre

but my hairy fore legs are more apt

to miss than hit the keys

there fore i must be succinct

to day i scared my my grand daughter

violet carstairs zweibel and her society friends

by dropping from the ceiling onto her lap

you never heard so much shrieking in your life

before any one could catch me

i skittered up the wall and into a small hole

in the plaster i had chewed

i love being a cock roach

but that angered my grand daughter so much

she demanded my will be rewritten

since i was now a lowly insect

what rights did i have she reasoned

my turn coat sons and shyster solicitor beavers agreed

so they are going to court to have my will nullified

the rat bastards

i suppose i should not be surprised

last week beavers tried to poison me

with a stickum compound intended to slay vermin

standish yanked away the stuff before I could finish it

the idiot beavers could not tell his own boss apart

from a regular house hold pest

any way the stuff did not affect me

my cock roach physique has blessed me with strength

i feel like i could with stand any thing

fire plague even devastating global war

the apocalypse it self

and i savored my status as the world s only insect columnist

until recently that is

now i get the news that my writings are not unique

standish says that

a cock roach named archy had found

considerable success writing a vers libre column

for the new york sun some years back

god damn it

some body always beats you to the punch