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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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vermin verse

dear readers do not be alarmed

but since i became a giant cock roach

i ve found it easier to type write in lower case

i have a hard time moving the shift key

i used to dictate my column to nurse pin head

but I can no longer speak because slime

drools from my mandibles and garbles my words

so i have under taken the type writing my self

pardon the choppy vers libre

but my hairy fore legs are more apt

to miss than hit the keys

there fore i must be succinct

to day i scared my my grand daughter

violet carstairs zweibel and her society friends

by dropping from the ceiling onto her lap

you never heard so much shrieking in your life

before any one could catch me

i skittered up the wall and into a small hole

in the plaster i had chewed

i love being a cock roach

but that angered my grand daughter so much

she demanded my will be rewritten

since i was now a lowly insect

what rights did i have she reasoned

my turn coat sons and shyster solicitor beavers agreed

so they are going to court to have my will nullified

the rat bastards

i suppose i should not be surprised

last week beavers tried to poison me

with a stickum compound intended to slay vermin

standish yanked away the stuff before I could finish it

the idiot beavers could not tell his own boss apart

from a regular house hold pest

any way the stuff did not affect me

my cock roach physique has blessed me with strength

i feel like i could with stand any thing

fire plague even devastating global war

the apocalypse it self

and i savored my status as the world s only insect columnist

until recently that is

now i get the news that my writings are not unique

standish says that

a cock roach named archy had found

considerable success writing a vers libre column

for the new york sun some years back

god damn it

some body always beats you to the punch

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