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Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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vermin verse

dear readers do not be alarmed

but since i became a giant cock roach

i ve found it easier to type write in lower case

i have a hard time moving the shift key

i used to dictate my column to nurse pin head

but I can no longer speak because slime

drools from my mandibles and garbles my words

so i have under taken the type writing my self

pardon the choppy vers libre

but my hairy fore legs are more apt

to miss than hit the keys

there fore i must be succinct

to day i scared my my grand daughter

violet carstairs zweibel and her society friends

by dropping from the ceiling onto her lap

you never heard so much shrieking in your life

before any one could catch me

i skittered up the wall and into a small hole

in the plaster i had chewed

i love being a cock roach

but that angered my grand daughter so much

she demanded my will be rewritten

since i was now a lowly insect

what rights did i have she reasoned

my turn coat sons and shyster solicitor beavers agreed

so they are going to court to have my will nullified

the rat bastards

i suppose i should not be surprised

last week beavers tried to poison me

with a stickum compound intended to slay vermin

standish yanked away the stuff before I could finish it

the idiot beavers could not tell his own boss apart

from a regular house hold pest

any way the stuff did not affect me

my cock roach physique has blessed me with strength

i feel like i could with stand any thing

fire plague even devastating global war

the apocalypse it self

and i savored my status as the world s only insect columnist

until recently that is

now i get the news that my writings are not unique

standish says that

a cock roach named archy had found

considerable success writing a vers libre column

for the new york sun some years back

god damn it

some body always beats you to the punch