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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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vermin verse

dear readers do not be alarmed

but since i became a giant cock roach

i ve found it easier to type write in lower case

i have a hard time moving the shift key

i used to dictate my column to nurse pin head

but I can no longer speak because slime

drools from my mandibles and garbles my words

so i have under taken the type writing my self

pardon the choppy vers libre

but my hairy fore legs are more apt

to miss than hit the keys

there fore i must be succinct

to day i scared my my grand daughter

violet carstairs zweibel and her society friends

by dropping from the ceiling onto her lap

you never heard so much shrieking in your life

before any one could catch me

i skittered up the wall and into a small hole

in the plaster i had chewed

i love being a cock roach

but that angered my grand daughter so much

she demanded my will be rewritten

since i was now a lowly insect

what rights did i have she reasoned

my turn coat sons and shyster solicitor beavers agreed

so they are going to court to have my will nullified

the rat bastards

i suppose i should not be surprised

last week beavers tried to poison me

with a stickum compound intended to slay vermin

standish yanked away the stuff before I could finish it

the idiot beavers could not tell his own boss apart

from a regular house hold pest

any way the stuff did not affect me

my cock roach physique has blessed me with strength

i feel like i could with stand any thing

fire plague even devastating global war

the apocalypse it self

and i savored my status as the world s only insect columnist

until recently that is

now i get the news that my writings are not unique

standish says that

a cock roach named archy had found

considerable success writing a vers libre column

for the new york sun some years back

god damn it

some body always beats you to the punch

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