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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
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Very Few People Like Me

Very few people like me because I'm loud, and when I speak I usually demand something, only not in English, but rather by grunting. Then I get very angry when no one understands me, so I start to cry. That way sometimes waitresses will get close enough that I can grab their breasts.

People also hate it when I sing really loud in the park, due to the fact that I sit next to them on a bench and press my lips to their ear—and also because I sing by belching with my tongue stuck out and wiggling all around.

Those are very annoying habits, but they're only the tip of the iceberg. There are loads of other things I do that make people dislike me.

If someone drops something, they hate the way I laugh at them so loudly that I start to cough up bits of phlegm into their face, especially when they are in places where they can't move away from you, like in a movie theater or a hospital bed.

Once in a while people will act as though they like me, but when that happens I just try to have sex with them, whoever it is—the social worker, the UPS man, my mom.

It's not just what I do; very few people like how I look. I'm so greasy that people are uncomfortable being around me because they have to make such an effort not to look at the rivers of pus and grease that streak my forehead.

They're always nervous that I'll catch them looking at my lopsided, ugly, oily face, so they look down at the ground. That's why I like to urinate on public streets.

Then there's that smell that instantly fills up any room I step into. I smell incredibly bad, like sort of a cross between tequila vomit and the soup you make out of the brains of those men you dig up at the vagrants' cemetery.

And because of my stink, there's flies. Not those big black flies that you can catch and eat on the bus, but those little teeny swarms of fruit flies that lay their eggs in the matted tufts of your hair.

Would you like someone like me? Of course not. I am very unlikable. You're right not to like me.

I don't really wash myself, except for when I go to McDonald's, and even then I only do it at a booth right up in the front with a 32-ounce cup full of water and a whole big stack of napkins.

If they ask me to leave I order something and then, so I can get my money back, I plant a big fistful of hair in it that I yank out of some kid that runs past.

Sure, I know that very few people like me, but it's not all my fault. Someone else gave me that gash across my chest—the one that I pick at constantly, getting blood all over myself, before I try to shake hands with everyone.

Then again, people might not want to touch me because I'm always putting my hands down my pants and scratching myself. They hate it when afterwards I smell my fingers. And they hate it worse when I make them smell my fingers.

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