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Very Few People Like Me

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Very Few People Like Me

Very few people like me because I'm loud, and when I speak I usually demand something, only not in English, but rather by grunting. Then I get very angry when no one understands me, so I start to cry. That way sometimes waitresses will get close enough that I can grab their breasts.

People also hate it when I sing really loud in the park, due to the fact that I sit next to them on a bench and press my lips to their ear—and also because I sing by belching with my tongue stuck out and wiggling all around.

Those are very annoying habits, but they're only the tip of the iceberg. There are loads of other things I do that make people dislike me.

If someone drops something, they hate the way I laugh at them so loudly that I start to cough up bits of phlegm into their face, especially when they are in places where they can't move away from you, like in a movie theater or a hospital bed.

Once in a while people will act as though they like me, but when that happens I just try to have sex with them, whoever it is—the social worker, the UPS man, my mom.

It's not just what I do; very few people like how I look. I'm so greasy that people are uncomfortable being around me because they have to make such an effort not to look at the rivers of pus and grease that streak my forehead.

They're always nervous that I'll catch them looking at my lopsided, ugly, oily face, so they look down at the ground. That's why I like to urinate on public streets.

Then there's that smell that instantly fills up any room I step into. I smell incredibly bad, like sort of a cross between tequila vomit and the soup you make out of the brains of those men you dig up at the vagrants' cemetery.

And because of my stink, there's flies. Not those big black flies that you can catch and eat on the bus, but those little teeny swarms of fruit flies that lay their eggs in the matted tufts of your hair.

Would you like someone like me? Of course not. I am very unlikable. You're right not to like me.

I don't really wash myself, except for when I go to McDonald's, and even then I only do it at a booth right up in the front with a 32-ounce cup full of water and a whole big stack of napkins.

If they ask me to leave I order something and then, so I can get my money back, I plant a big fistful of hair in it that I yank out of some kid that runs past.

Sure, I know that very few people like me, but it's not all my fault. Someone else gave me that gash across my chest—the one that I pick at constantly, getting blood all over myself, before I try to shake hands with everyone.

Then again, people might not want to touch me because I'm always putting my hands down my pants and scratching myself. They hate it when afterwards I smell my fingers. And they hate it worse when I make them smell my fingers.

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