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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Violence Must Only Be Used To Make Hundreds Of Millions Of Dollars

Whenever I'm paid $200,000 to demonstrate my martial arts abilities and give a short speech to a gathering of young people, I always speak about the same thing: the epidemic of violence we see in our society today. Why do so many kids think using their fists is the answer to all of life's problems? Where do they get these ideas? That's why I'm using my status as the world's most famous martial arts movie star to teach children an important lesson.

Never, ever take a fist to another person unless you're profiting handsomely from it.

I was a child once, and I know what it's like to want to settle your differences with a fight. There were many times I dreamed about giving a swift roundhouse kick to the bullies who tormented me. And I could have, too. I was trained. Ready. But when I entered the Peking Opera School to learn kung fu, my master Yu Jim Yuen told me that the true warrior must never strike first. He must sit and wait—at least until he has secured a three-picture deal with Warner Bros. and has fully developed his persona as a highly marketable, family-friendly Bruce Lee.

Only then can you justly throw a large jug to someone to catch and then kick them in the face, shattering the jug, and their face.

I recall one bully who used to taunt me when I was growing up in Hong Kong. He would call me horrible names and try to egg me on, but I always stuck to my principles. "My friend, I have no quarrel with you," I would say. "I will not fight you unless I'm given $5 million up-front, 3 percent on the back end, and first rights to star in any sequels."

The bully would beat me soundly, of course, but there's a lesson here: Unless you're getting a good cut of the profits, you must turn the other cheek. If and only if the person fighting you is a trained martial artist or an actor, and only if you're on the set of your 12th blockbuster film and your performers' union is not on strike, only then should you grab hold of your enemy's arm, spin him and swing him around behind you to take out five other extras playing henchmen, slide down a tapestry, crash through a glass wall, quip a disarming one-liner, and finally set your sights on taking down the mafia boss character who is trying to turn your native village into a lucrative casino.

Remember: The wise fighter knows that violence may only need to be used once in an entire lifetime, especially if you have a good agent and can make sure the studio is giving you at least what they're paying Chris Tucker.

Using force should be avoided at all costs, so it is important to pursue all of your options when faced with an opponent. If they strike you in the stomach, try to talk it out. If they kick your chest, suggest taking some time apart to cool off before coming together to work through your differences. And if they have stolen a Ukrainian warhead, and you catch up to them at an abandoned warehouse, and they start throwing tables and chairs and anything in the vicinity at you, and the director has said, "Action," consider grabbing a nearby stepladder, swinging it around your back, and roundhousing them all in the face with its legs before twirling it around your neck, throwing the ladder up in the air to land over the biggest guy, and—while he's disoriented—punching him through the rungs. At least, that is what has always worked for me.

Sadly, I have seen many a young man fall victim to an obsession with his own power. This is why one must be always wary of self- serving thoughts. You may have a swift right hand and foot, and be able to knock your foe to the ground with just one punch, but what will you do when he rises up against you with three or four others? If you meditate on this, you will see the error. You have involved yourself in a group battle, and no one is filming it. You may have won the fight, but you have lost millions in box-office receipts, DVD sales, action-figure licensing deals, maybe even a very popular series of video games.

There is no honor in violence that doesn't make $67 million its opening weekend.

For now, I will leave you with this thought. If I have learned anything from my long and profitable career as a martial artist, it is that spitting a mouthful of industrial alcohol onto an opponent wielding a hot glass rod to make him catch on fire—even if it's being filmed for your smash hit, Drunken Master II—is wrong.

You should save a move that good for later in your career, when you're an established name and can command a larger percentage of the box-office gross.

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