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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Visit the Zweibel Curio and Amusement Museum!

Doubtless, you working-men out there are saving your pennies for summer outings with your families. I am sure many of you are planning jaunts to the sea-shore, or excursions to such breathtaking landmarks as Gary, IN, and the Mesabi Range. May I humbly suggest, however, that you could do worse than to visit the Zweibel Curio and Amusement Museum, located just 10 miles from the Zweibel Estate. For a mere two bits, the public may observe the weird and wondrous phenomena of the world.

The Museum was founded in 1817, decades before that scoundrel Phineas Taylor Barnum opened his low-life horror-chamber in New-York City, and it contains astounding sights that not even the world's most learned gentlemen can adequately explain. It would be of great detriment to the Museum to list all the acquisitions, as then roguish gentlemen would seek to replicate it and thereby cheapen its great reputation. Therefore, I shall only name a few of the attractions, enough to elicit and excite the public curiosity:

The world-famous Man Who Is Shaped Like A Tapir.
A brief moving-picture, exhibited on the famous Edison Kinetoscope, of a woman in her petticoat.
The skeleton of a mastodon whooping a stuffed duck.
A wondrous demonstration of electrical conductivity.
A chimp who can smoke a cigar.
An exhibit chronicling the history of underpants.
An in-house smelting factory, where visitors may observe seven- and eight-year-old employees hard at work.
The knees of the martyred St. Gherkin.
A shoot-the-chutes.

As I have mentioned, this represents a mere fraction of the wonders the Zweibel Museum has to offer. When at the Museum, be sure to drop by the gift shop and purchase a novelty doll or penny postcard souvenir for a family member or associate. There is also a cafeteria, where one may purchase a small coffee and kidney pie.

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