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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Visit the Zweibel Curio and Amusement Museum!

Doubtless, you working-men out there are saving your pennies for summer outings with your families. I am sure many of you are planning jaunts to the sea-shore, or excursions to such breathtaking landmarks as Gary, IN, and the Mesabi Range. May I humbly suggest, however, that you could do worse than to visit the Zweibel Curio and Amusement Museum, located just 10 miles from the Zweibel Estate. For a mere two bits, the public may observe the weird and wondrous phenomena of the world.

The Museum was founded in 1817, decades before that scoundrel Phineas Taylor Barnum opened his low-life horror-chamber in New-York City, and it contains astounding sights that not even the world's most learned gentlemen can adequately explain. It would be of great detriment to the Museum to list all the acquisitions, as then roguish gentlemen would seek to replicate it and thereby cheapen its great reputation. Therefore, I shall only name a few of the attractions, enough to elicit and excite the public curiosity:

The world-famous Man Who Is Shaped Like A Tapir.
A brief moving-picture, exhibited on the famous Edison Kinetoscope, of a woman in her petticoat.
The skeleton of a mastodon whooping a stuffed duck.
A wondrous demonstration of electrical conductivity.
A chimp who can smoke a cigar.
An exhibit chronicling the history of underpants.
An in-house smelting factory, where visitors may observe seven- and eight-year-old employees hard at work.
The knees of the martyred St. Gherkin.
A shoot-the-chutes.

As I have mentioned, this represents a mere fraction of the wonders the Zweibel Museum has to offer. When at the Museum, be sure to drop by the gift shop and purchase a novelty doll or penny postcard souvenir for a family member or associate. There is also a cafeteria, where one may purchase a small coffee and kidney pie.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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