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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Visit the Zweibel Curio and Amusement Museum!

Doubtless, you working-men out there are saving your pennies for summer outings with your families. I am sure many of you are planning jaunts to the sea-shore, or excursions to such breathtaking landmarks as Gary, IN, and the Mesabi Range. May I humbly suggest, however, that you could do worse than to visit the Zweibel Curio and Amusement Museum, located just 10 miles from the Zweibel Estate. For a mere two bits, the public may observe the weird and wondrous phenomena of the world.

The Museum was founded in 1817, decades before that scoundrel Phineas Taylor Barnum opened his low-life horror-chamber in New-York City, and it contains astounding sights that not even the world's most learned gentlemen can adequately explain. It would be of great detriment to the Museum to list all the acquisitions, as then roguish gentlemen would seek to replicate it and thereby cheapen its great reputation. Therefore, I shall only name a few of the attractions, enough to elicit and excite the public curiosity:

The world-famous Man Who Is Shaped Like A Tapir.
A brief moving-picture, exhibited on the famous Edison Kinetoscope, of a woman in her petticoat.
The skeleton of a mastodon whooping a stuffed duck.
A wondrous demonstration of electrical conductivity.
A chimp who can smoke a cigar.
An exhibit chronicling the history of underpants.
An in-house smelting factory, where visitors may observe seven- and eight-year-old employees hard at work.
The knees of the martyred St. Gherkin.
A shoot-the-chutes.

As I have mentioned, this represents a mere fraction of the wonders the Zweibel Museum has to offer. When at the Museum, be sure to drop by the gift shop and purchase a novelty doll or penny postcard souvenir for a family member or associate. There is also a cafeteria, where one may purchase a small coffee and kidney pie.

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