adBlockCheck

Vote For The Fire-Eaters!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Vote For The Fire-Eaters!

Doubtless you are concerned with the upcoming elections for Parliament, or the House of Burgesses, or whatever they call the legislature these days. I strongly urge you to cast your ballots for the Fire-Eating Party. States' rights forever! Down with the Whigs! Down with the Free-Soilers!

If there is no Fire-Eater candidate on the ballot in your district, by all means, write one in! Don't let the blue-blooded Whig elite dictate public policy. They are more interested in lining their purses with gold than in leading our great Republic! Yes, the Whigs are in power and are a force to contend with, but I refuse to kow-tow to them!

The Democratic Party was once great under General Jackson, but lately it has fallen into dissipation and decadence, so much so that it now employs a lowly donkey as its mascot. I once was a staunch supporter of the Know-Nothing Party and its glorious anti-Irish cause, but the Know-Nothings elected to Washington became the foot-men of the Whigs quicker than you can say Daniel Webster. So, it's the Fire-Eaters for me. Three cheers for the Fire-Eating Party!

The Fire-Eater platform is three-fold: First, states' rights above all; second, extend slavery into the Western territories; third, a cotton-gin in every parlor. Clearly, the Fire-Eaters were chosen by a wise God to guide us to greater glory!

I invite all citizens to gather in a great mob at The Onion's offices on the corner of News-Paper Row and Commerce Street to witness the burning of an effigy of Stephen A. Douglas, and to sing rousing anthems of praise to the Fire-Eaters! The rally will be followed by a storming of The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet offices and a tar-and-feathering of its pro-Whig editor, P. Oliver Gummidge!

I encourage all citizens to exercise their right to vote. And if, on Election Night, you are still uncertain about for whom to cast your vote, bands of torch-wielding gentle-men in my employ will be happy to assist you with your decision.

Believe you me, if the Fire-Eaters go down in defeat, I will use The Onion news-paper to trumpet accusations of poll fraud and wide-spread corruption. Huzzah for the Fire-Eaters, God's representatives on Earth!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close