adBlockCheck

Vote For The Fire-Eaters!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Vote For The Fire-Eaters!

Doubtless you are concerned with the upcoming elections for Parliament, or the House of Burgesses, or whatever they call the legislature these days. I strongly urge you to cast your ballots for the Fire-Eating Party. States' rights forever! Down with the Whigs! Down with the Free-Soilers!

If there is no Fire-Eater candidate on the ballot in your district, by all means, write one in! Don't let the blue-blooded Whig elite dictate public policy. They are more interested in lining their purses with gold than in leading our great Republic! Yes, the Whigs are in power and are a force to contend with, but I refuse to kow-tow to them!

The Democratic Party was once great under General Jackson, but lately it has fallen into dissipation and decadence, so much so that it now employs a lowly donkey as its mascot. I once was a staunch supporter of the Know-Nothing Party and its glorious anti-Irish cause, but the Know-Nothings elected to Washington became the foot-men of the Whigs quicker than you can say Daniel Webster. So, it's the Fire-Eaters for me. Three cheers for the Fire-Eating Party!

The Fire-Eater platform is three-fold: First, states' rights above all; second, extend slavery into the Western territories; third, a cotton-gin in every parlor. Clearly, the Fire-Eaters were chosen by a wise God to guide us to greater glory!

I invite all citizens to gather in a great mob at The Onion's offices on the corner of News-Paper Row and Commerce Street to witness the burning of an effigy of Stephen A. Douglas, and to sing rousing anthems of praise to the Fire-Eaters! The rally will be followed by a storming of The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet offices and a tar-and-feathering of its pro-Whig editor, P. Oliver Gummidge!

I encourage all citizens to exercise their right to vote. And if, on Election Night, you are still uncertain about for whom to cast your vote, bands of torch-wielding gentle-men in my employ will be happy to assist you with your decision.

Believe you me, if the Fire-Eaters go down in defeat, I will use The Onion news-paper to trumpet accusations of poll fraud and wide-spread corruption. Huzzah for the Fire-Eaters, God's representatives on Earth!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close