Vote For The Fire-Eaters!

In This Section

Vol 34 Issue 04

Contact Paper Beautifies Drawer Interior

PAWTUCKET, RI–The drab, ordinary interior of the third drawer from the top in Beatrice Sewell's bedroom dresser was transformed into a storage area of poetic beauty Tuesday with the application of contact paper purchased at a Pawtucket-area Big Lots store. "The interior of this drawer has entered a new era of attractive, green-and-yellow floral splendor," decorating expert Helen Bowles said. "Look for drawer three to dominate drawer-interior aesthetics for decades to come."

Report: Shopoholism May Have Killed The Shoposauruses

MISSOULA, MT–According to a report released Tuesday by the University of Montana's department of natural history, the consumption-crazed dinosaur known as the Shoposaurus may have become extinct as a result of shopoholism. "Newly gathered field data indicates that the Shoposaurus, a creature which thrived for millions of years in the lush, competitively priced pastures of Triassic North America, was ultimately done in by its own insatiable addiction to shopping," read the report, which has sent shockwaves through the world's paleontological community. "This 'born-to-shop' species emptied prehistoric store shelves faster than those shelves could be restocked, causing the beast to run out of items to buy and die–literally shopping until dropping."

7-Year-Old Only Likes Corn

GRAND RAPIDS, MI–Benjamin Gadsen, a local 7-year-old, dislikes all food other than corn, it was reported Tuesday. "He likes corn on the cob, corn niblets, creamed corn, corn chips, corn flakes, corn syrup, corn oil, cornbread, corn dogs, roasting ears, popcorn, and Indian corn," said Ruth Gadsen, the boy's mother. "Basically, if it's corn, he'll eat it."

Area Man May Have Lied About Having Sex

WENATCHEE, WA–Accusations are mounting in the sexual-misconduct investigation of Wenatchee resident Kenneth Briggs. "I am in possession of taped conversations proving that Briggs had sex with waitress Tina Pruitt, then urged her to lie about it," federal prosecutor Oliver Schill said. "I strongly urge Briggs to come forward now and admit the truth before more time and taxpayers' money is wasted." Though hearings have not yet begun, a number of Wenatchee residents are already calling for Briggs to step down from his position as a third-shift gas-station attendant.

HMOs And Birth Control

HMOs do not cover birth control, a fact that has angered many people in light of HMOs' coverage of Viagra. What do you think?

Ex-Girlfriend To Arrive At 5:15 To Pick Up End Table

TUCSON, AZ–Jodi Hennings, 24, ex-girlfriend of area resident Rich Zeger, 25, announced Tuesday that she will arrive at 5:15 p.m. Thursday to pick up an end table from the apartment the two had shared until eight days ago.

Nazi SS Cemetery Desecrated By Pro-Semitic Graffiti

DARMSTADT, GERMANY–Residents of this quiet Rhineland city awoke Monday to discover that Heinrich Himmler Memorial Cemetery, the final resting place of over 200 Nazi SS Officers who gave their lives for Germany in World War II, had been desecrated during the night with pro-Semitic graffiti.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Customer Service

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Vote For The Fire-Eaters!

Doubtless you are concerned with the upcoming elections for Parliament, or the House of Burgesses, or whatever they call the legislature these days. I strongly urge you to cast your ballots for the Fire-Eating Party. States' rights forever! Down with the Whigs! Down with the Free-Soilers!

If there is no Fire-Eater candidate on the ballot in your district, by all means, write one in! Don't let the blue-blooded Whig elite dictate public policy. They are more interested in lining their purses with gold than in leading our great Republic! Yes, the Whigs are in power and are a force to contend with, but I refuse to kow-tow to them!

The Democratic Party was once great under General Jackson, but lately it has fallen into dissipation and decadence, so much so that it now employs a lowly donkey as its mascot. I once was a staunch supporter of the Know-Nothing Party and its glorious anti-Irish cause, but the Know-Nothings elected to Washington became the foot-men of the Whigs quicker than you can say Daniel Webster. So, it's the Fire-Eaters for me. Three cheers for the Fire-Eating Party!

The Fire-Eater platform is three-fold: First, states' rights above all; second, extend slavery into the Western territories; third, a cotton-gin in every parlor. Clearly, the Fire-Eaters were chosen by a wise God to guide us to greater glory!

I invite all citizens to gather in a great mob at The Onion's offices on the corner of News-Paper Row and Commerce Street to witness the burning of an effigy of Stephen A. Douglas, and to sing rousing anthems of praise to the Fire-Eaters! The rally will be followed by a storming of The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet offices and a tar-and-feathering of its pro-Whig editor, P. Oliver Gummidge!

I encourage all citizens to exercise their right to vote. And if, on Election Night, you are still uncertain about for whom to cast your vote, bands of torch-wielding gentle-men in my employ will be happy to assist you with your decision.

Believe you me, if the Fire-Eaters go down in defeat, I will use The Onion news-paper to trumpet accusations of poll fraud and wide-spread corruption. Huzzah for the Fire-Eaters, God's representatives on Earth!

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More