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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Vote For The Fire-Eaters!

Doubtless you are concerned with the upcoming elections for Parliament, or the House of Burgesses, or whatever they call the legislature these days. I strongly urge you to cast your ballots for the Fire-Eating Party. States' rights forever! Down with the Whigs! Down with the Free-Soilers!

If there is no Fire-Eater candidate on the ballot in your district, by all means, write one in! Don't let the blue-blooded Whig elite dictate public policy. They are more interested in lining their purses with gold than in leading our great Republic! Yes, the Whigs are in power and are a force to contend with, but I refuse to kow-tow to them!

The Democratic Party was once great under General Jackson, but lately it has fallen into dissipation and decadence, so much so that it now employs a lowly donkey as its mascot. I once was a staunch supporter of the Know-Nothing Party and its glorious anti-Irish cause, but the Know-Nothings elected to Washington became the foot-men of the Whigs quicker than you can say Daniel Webster. So, it's the Fire-Eaters for me. Three cheers for the Fire-Eating Party!

The Fire-Eater platform is three-fold: First, states' rights above all; second, extend slavery into the Western territories; third, a cotton-gin in every parlor. Clearly, the Fire-Eaters were chosen by a wise God to guide us to greater glory!

I invite all citizens to gather in a great mob at The Onion's offices on the corner of News-Paper Row and Commerce Street to witness the burning of an effigy of Stephen A. Douglas, and to sing rousing anthems of praise to the Fire-Eaters! The rally will be followed by a storming of The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet offices and a tar-and-feathering of its pro-Whig editor, P. Oliver Gummidge!

I encourage all citizens to exercise their right to vote. And if, on Election Night, you are still uncertain about for whom to cast your vote, bands of torch-wielding gentle-men in my employ will be happy to assist you with your decision.

Believe you me, if the Fire-Eaters go down in defeat, I will use The Onion news-paper to trumpet accusations of poll fraud and wide-spread corruption. Huzzah for the Fire-Eaters, God's representatives on Earth!

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