adBlockCheck

Vote For The Fire-Eaters!

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Vote For The Fire-Eaters!

Doubtless you are concerned with the upcoming elections for Parliament, or the House of Burgesses, or whatever they call the legislature these days. I strongly urge you to cast your ballots for the Fire-Eating Party. States' rights forever! Down with the Whigs! Down with the Free-Soilers!

If there is no Fire-Eater candidate on the ballot in your district, by all means, write one in! Don't let the blue-blooded Whig elite dictate public policy. They are more interested in lining their purses with gold than in leading our great Republic! Yes, the Whigs are in power and are a force to contend with, but I refuse to kow-tow to them!

The Democratic Party was once great under General Jackson, but lately it has fallen into dissipation and decadence, so much so that it now employs a lowly donkey as its mascot. I once was a staunch supporter of the Know-Nothing Party and its glorious anti-Irish cause, but the Know-Nothings elected to Washington became the foot-men of the Whigs quicker than you can say Daniel Webster. So, it's the Fire-Eaters for me. Three cheers for the Fire-Eating Party!

The Fire-Eater platform is three-fold: First, states' rights above all; second, extend slavery into the Western territories; third, a cotton-gin in every parlor. Clearly, the Fire-Eaters were chosen by a wise God to guide us to greater glory!

I invite all citizens to gather in a great mob at The Onion's offices on the corner of News-Paper Row and Commerce Street to witness the burning of an effigy of Stephen A. Douglas, and to sing rousing anthems of praise to the Fire-Eaters! The rally will be followed by a storming of The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet offices and a tar-and-feathering of its pro-Whig editor, P. Oliver Gummidge!

I encourage all citizens to exercise their right to vote. And if, on Election Night, you are still uncertain about for whom to cast your vote, bands of torch-wielding gentle-men in my employ will be happy to assist you with your decision.

Believe you me, if the Fire-Eaters go down in defeat, I will use The Onion news-paper to trumpet accusations of poll fraud and wide-spread corruption. Huzzah for the Fire-Eaters, God's representatives on Earth!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close