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Wanted: Food Chewer

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Wanted: Food Chewer

That's it. I'm through with that ox of a nurse. I despise the way her buttocks ripple shamelessly back and forth under the thin fabric of her white uniform as she walks. She gives me sponge baths with ice-water, changes my colostomy bag only when it's so full of urine that it has grown to the size of the Graf zeppelin, and feeds me my castor-oil with an old spoon with an icky metal taste. She also greases the rectal thermometer with limburger cheese.

In the old days I simply would have had her smothered, but she was hired by my sons to be my care-taker, and my infirm and gumless self is virtually helpless to stop her.

If anyone in my abominable family truly cared about me, they would hire a good food chewer. People with proper regurgitation skills are few and far between, and there is nothing I long for more than someone to pass partially digested food into my mouth, for I am an old man and can no longer produce my own saliva.

My father, in his own old age, had a most excellent servant in his hire who could feed him a three-course dinner without losing any of the food's flavor or nutritional value while making it digestible for my father's delicate, elderly stomach. The servant was an Eastern European emigré who had previously chewed food for Czar Alexander of Russia and most of the Hapsburg aristocracy. Shortly after my father's death, the servant took his own life, ashamed of his past. It was a pity, since he was a true artist, and dirt cheap to boot.

A few years ago we tried out a number of chewers, and they were all abysmal! They'd either get too much saliva in the food, or not enough, or they'd miss my mouth and send half the portion up my nostrils. Some would just chew and swallow the food, tip their hats and leave, evidently mistaking my mansion for some sort of soup kitchen!

A food chewer is worth at least 20 nurses. If someone would only just press their lips to mine and transfer bites of salisbury steak into my mouth, I would be restored to the bloom of health in no time.

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