adBlockCheck

Wanted: Food Chewer

Top Headlines

Recent News

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

Texas To Execute Death Row Inmates With New 3-Drug Molotov Cocktail

HUNTSVILLE, TX—In response to a nationwide shortage of the chemicals conventionally used to carry out capital punishment, officials from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates with an experimental new three-drug Molotov cocktail.

Christ Does Soft Return To Gauge Interest

TOPEKA, KS—Descending from on high to gather valuable data on His followers’ preferences, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was said to be conducting a soft return this week in hopes of gauging interest in His Second Coming.

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Wanted: Food Chewer

That's it. I'm through with that ox of a nurse. I despise the way her buttocks ripple shamelessly back and forth under the thin fabric of her white uniform as she walks. She gives me sponge baths with ice-water, changes my colostomy bag only when it's so full of urine that it has grown to the size of the Graf zeppelin, and feeds me my castor-oil with an old spoon with an icky metal taste. She also greases the rectal thermometer with limburger cheese.

In the old days I simply would have had her smothered, but she was hired by my sons to be my care-taker, and my infirm and gumless self is virtually helpless to stop her.

If anyone in my abominable family truly cared about me, they would hire a good food chewer. People with proper regurgitation skills are few and far between, and there is nothing I long for more than someone to pass partially digested food into my mouth, for I am an old man and can no longer produce my own saliva.

My father, in his own old age, had a most excellent servant in his hire who could feed him a three-course dinner without losing any of the food's flavor or nutritional value while making it digestible for my father's delicate, elderly stomach. The servant was an Eastern European emigré who had previously chewed food for Czar Alexander of Russia and most of the Hapsburg aristocracy. Shortly after my father's death, the servant took his own life, ashamed of his past. It was a pity, since he was a true artist, and dirt cheap to boot.

A few years ago we tried out a number of chewers, and they were all abysmal! They'd either get too much saliva in the food, or not enough, or they'd miss my mouth and send half the portion up my nostrils. Some would just chew and swallow the food, tip their hats and leave, evidently mistaking my mansion for some sort of soup kitchen!

A food chewer is worth at least 20 nurses. If someone would only just press their lips to mine and transfer bites of salisbury steak into my mouth, I would be restored to the bloom of health in no time.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close