War And Remembrance

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Vol 32 Issue 15

Southern Comfort Comforts Southerner

SMYRNA, TN—A well-known brand of alcohol proved worthy of its name Sunday as a bottle of Southern Comfort comforted Southerner Melvin Shifflett, providing him with a warm sense of well-being as he retreated into the soothing glow of intoxication. "I am definitely comforted right now," the 34-year-old Shifflett said. "The high alcohol content of this whiskey, not to mention its pleasant cherry flavor, has made me forget all about the pain of my recent divorce and mounting credit-card debt."

Six-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess

MILESBURG, PA—In a pre-bedtime announcement before family members Monday, area six-year-old Stephanie Ambrose unveiled plans to become a ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess when she grows up. "Ashley is very much interested in that particular field," said Ambrose’s mother Patricia. "But she’s still keeping her options open: She’s also considering becoming an astronaut actress president basketball-playing magic fairy."

Area Gym Class Prepares For Mandatory Exposure Of Penises To Peers

ROANOKE, VA—It was learned Monday that male students in Riverview Middle School’s fourth-period gym class are preparing, as they do before every scheduled hour of physical education, for mandatory exposure of their near-hairless, tiny, adolescent penises to the scrutiny of their peers. "Everyone’s got to be completely nude," said gym teacher Randall Slavin. "Anyone refusing to participate in the group nudity will be disciplined under school policy." Said seventh-grader Tim Hilfer: "I’d known James Ketchner ever since he and his mom moved here from Phoenix. We’ve been in school together a long time, but in all those years I’d never seen his penis. Now, I see his penis five days a week, and he sees mine."

North Korea Ranked Least-Entertained Nation On Earth

UNITED NATIONS—A U.N. study released Tuesday revealed that North Korea is the least-entertained nation on earth. The notoriously isolated Communist nation ranked last in all 57 of the study’s entertainment-related statistical subcategories, including celebrity-to-ordinary-citizen ratio, number of Nintendo 64s per thousand persons, and per capita fun. "These North Koreans are starving for the sort of Hollywood-style thrills that we take for granted here in the U.S.," Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said. "It’s tragic."

Seize Him!

Ah, yes. I see you have captured my elusive Earthling quarry at last. Well done, guard! You have greatly pleased your master. Bring him forward at once! I wish to speak with him face to face... before his annihilation.

The Basics Of Cruising

Hola amigos. How's it hangin'? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but a lot of shit's been going down in Jim's part of town. See, I been working my ass off at this new job. You know how on trucks they have those running boards which are black, but they aren't painted because paint would come off real fast? Well, I work at a place where we put some black-powder crap onto the metal running boards and bake it for a while so it won't come off, even if you go off-roading. I guess you'd call me a powder boy, 'cause I apply the powder to the metal.

Ergonomic Advisors Call For $30 Million In Federal Lumbar Support

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling America’s current ergonomic situation "terribly strenuous on the nation’s lower-back region," a panel of top ergonomic advisors called upon Congress Monday to pass legislation allocating $30 million in federal lumbar support. "If the government does not begin addressing the problems facing the U.S. ergonomy," said MIT ergonomist Bryan Lam, "this nation will be unable to stand up in a few years."

Methushael Begets Lamech

JERUSALEM—According to a report released Monday by Pentateuch officials, 930-year-old area resident Adam had two sons, Abel and Cain, and Cain begat Enoch, and Enoch begat Mehujal, and Mehujal begat Methushael, and Methushael begat Lamech.
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War And Remembrance

To-day is Armistice Day, the day when we remember those who have fallen in battle defending our great Republic. I myself never served in the military, but I am proud to say that throughout my long life, I have instigated much violence and blood-shed.

In 1896, in the pages of The Onion, I vowed revenge against the hated Spaniards for placing a coral-reef in the Caribbean Sea which tore apart the hull of the man-o'-war Nebraska, causing it to capsize and sink. Those bastards Hearst and Pulitzer received all the credit for causing the Spanish-American War two years later with the bellicose editorializing of their New-York birdcage-liners, but it was I who really planted the seeds of hostility against the shifty Iberians!

Some of my best work came when I was governor of this state from 1911 to 1914. I was known as "The Strip-Mining Governor" and "Over-lord Of Darkness" for turning the entire state into a huge boron mine. There was some opposition to my pro-industry policies, and many times I had to call in the state militia to put down protests and insurrections. The sight of armed troops shooting and bayoneting the very citizens I was elected to serve and represent was spectacular.

Since then, my war-mongering has been limited, but I still can't resist a good ambush from time to time. The village near my estate has been a favorite target for attack. I used to send my Swiss Guard down to sack and burn it, and bring back some terrified maidens to ravish. But I reluctantly put a stop to it when I realized that I own most of the land and property in the village, and the constant pillagings were causing my insurance premiums to go up. Nowadays, I've limited the Swiss Guard to tarring and feathering travelers who have the ill fortune to pass by the estate.

I am aware of the more modern tactics of war-fare, such as the use of mustard-gas and sub-marines, and the dropping of artillery shells from specially equipped zeppelins. But give me the sound of the saber rattling in its sheath, the smell of smoke wafting from the musket, and the rhythms of the drum-and-fife corps any day. Three rousing huzzahs for glorious war!

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