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War And Remembrance

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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War And Remembrance

To-day is Armistice Day, the day when we remember those who have fallen in battle defending our great Republic. I myself never served in the military, but I am proud to say that throughout my long life, I have instigated much violence and blood-shed.

In 1896, in the pages of The Onion, I vowed revenge against the hated Spaniards for placing a coral-reef in the Caribbean Sea which tore apart the hull of the man-o'-war Nebraska, causing it to capsize and sink. Those bastards Hearst and Pulitzer received all the credit for causing the Spanish-American War two years later with the bellicose editorializing of their New-York birdcage-liners, but it was I who really planted the seeds of hostility against the shifty Iberians!

Some of my best work came when I was governor of this state from 1911 to 1914. I was known as "The Strip-Mining Governor" and "Over-lord Of Darkness" for turning the entire state into a huge boron mine. There was some opposition to my pro-industry policies, and many times I had to call in the state militia to put down protests and insurrections. The sight of armed troops shooting and bayoneting the very citizens I was elected to serve and represent was spectacular.

Since then, my war-mongering has been limited, but I still can't resist a good ambush from time to time. The village near my estate has been a favorite target for attack. I used to send my Swiss Guard down to sack and burn it, and bring back some terrified maidens to ravish. But I reluctantly put a stop to it when I realized that I own most of the land and property in the village, and the constant pillagings were causing my insurance premiums to go up. Nowadays, I've limited the Swiss Guard to tarring and feathering travelers who have the ill fortune to pass by the estate.

I am aware of the more modern tactics of war-fare, such as the use of mustard-gas and sub-marines, and the dropping of artillery shells from specially equipped zeppelins. But give me the sound of the saber rattling in its sheath, the smell of smoke wafting from the musket, and the rhythms of the drum-and-fife corps any day. Three rousing huzzahs for glorious war!

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