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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Watch Me Sleep My Way To The Top Of The Glendale Homeowner's Association

I've been around Glendale, a safe, clean, family-friendly neighborhood made up of 113 residential lots bordering Glendale Park, long enough to know how things work. Sure, I'll admit it: Back in 1991, when I
first joined the Glendale Homeowners Association, I was pretty naïve. I thought that if
I just showed enough ambition and volunteered for enough litter drives, I'd rise to the top and be on the GHA board of directors in no time.

Let's just say I grew up real fast.

For nearly five years, I've been wasting away as co-chair of the Glendale Community Events Committee, organizing Easter egg hunts, visits from Santa and crap like that, while that ho-bag Judith Meyers gets promoted to chair of the Budget & Finance Committee right before my eyes. Everybody knows that position is a direct stepping stone to the board's treasurer position. Bitch.

It's now apparent that there's only one way to make that board, and I'm prepared to do it. I want this too bad not to. I'm going to blow who I have to blow, and fuck who I have to fuck. You've got to grease the wheel, they say, and I'm going to grease it 'til it can't be greased no more.

I've drawn up a short list of exactly who Denise Brodhagen needs to screw. I've been watching closely, and I know who the puppets are and who the real power players are around the GHA. I know just whose permanent-press slacks I need to get my hands into. Erwin Lansley on the Landscape & Facilities Management Committee, I'm ready and willing. Noise-control supervisor Melvin Haas, just tell me how you want it: missionary or doggie-style, rough or gentle, bed or kitchen counter. Election-committee coordinator Gordon Yeager, my legs are spread wide.

I've already proven what I'm capable of by singlehandedly drafting the new garbage-collection resolution. Does this ring a bell? "Refuse containers not in use must be stored inside or behind the house and must not be visible from the street. Only garbage cans with lids or strong plastic garbage bags may be used and may not be placed curbside before dusk the night before pick-up"? Well, it should, because thanks to me, it's now a by-law of the GHA. Before I came on the scene, people on Sherman Avenue were putting trash out in paper shopping bags, and squirrels were getting into them and getting the trash all over the street.

I could do even more if I were just given the chance. If made a board officer, I wouldn't veto the plans to refurbish the Lathrop Park ice-hockey rink just to put money into the contingency fund. And I'd find a way to get Mrs. Hammaker to finally remove those awful ceramic gnomes from her front lawn. With me at the helm, property values in our neighborhood would skyrocket. I'd be made GHA Homeowner Of The Year, and then what? The school board? City council? The sky's the limit. I've just got to start fucking and sucking.

I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm going to use my tits and ass to my advantage, because it's apparent that talent alone isn't going to cut it. And I'm ready to start: After next Friday's meeting, I'm going to make GHA Vice-President Bob Voskuil an offer he can't refuse.

I can picture it already. My first act as a board member will be to propose an administrative resolution permitting residents to install rain gutters or other functional external adornments without first filing an "Approval Of Alterations & Additions To Existing Structures" form with the GHA, so long as the structural modifications adhere to standard specifications set by the Architectural Control Committee.

But first I've got to get on that board, baby.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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