Watch Me Sleep My Way To The Top Of The Glendale Homeowner's Association

Top Headlines


Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Watch Me Sleep My Way To The Top Of The Glendale Homeowner's Association

I've been around Glendale, a safe, clean, family-friendly neighborhood made up of 113 residential lots bordering Glendale Park, long enough to know how things work. Sure, I'll admit it: Back in 1991, when I
first joined the Glendale Homeowners Association, I was pretty naïve. I thought that if
I just showed enough ambition and volunteered for enough litter drives, I'd rise to the top and be on the GHA board of directors in no time.

Let's just say I grew up real fast.

For nearly five years, I've been wasting away as co-chair of the Glendale Community Events Committee, organizing Easter egg hunts, visits from Santa and crap like that, while that ho-bag Judith Meyers gets promoted to chair of the Budget & Finance Committee right before my eyes. Everybody knows that position is a direct stepping stone to the board's treasurer position. Bitch.

It's now apparent that there's only one way to make that board, and I'm prepared to do it. I want this too bad not to. I'm going to blow who I have to blow, and fuck who I have to fuck. You've got to grease the wheel, they say, and I'm going to grease it 'til it can't be greased no more.

I've drawn up a short list of exactly who Denise Brodhagen needs to screw. I've been watching closely, and I know who the puppets are and who the real power players are around the GHA. I know just whose permanent-press slacks I need to get my hands into. Erwin Lansley on the Landscape & Facilities Management Committee, I'm ready and willing. Noise-control supervisor Melvin Haas, just tell me how you want it: missionary or doggie-style, rough or gentle, bed or kitchen counter. Election-committee coordinator Gordon Yeager, my legs are spread wide.

I've already proven what I'm capable of by singlehandedly drafting the new garbage-collection resolution. Does this ring a bell? "Refuse containers not in use must be stored inside or behind the house and must not be visible from the street. Only garbage cans with lids or strong plastic garbage bags may be used and may not be placed curbside before dusk the night before pick-up"? Well, it should, because thanks to me, it's now a by-law of the GHA. Before I came on the scene, people on Sherman Avenue were putting trash out in paper shopping bags, and squirrels were getting into them and getting the trash all over the street.

I could do even more if I were just given the chance. If made a board officer, I wouldn't veto the plans to refurbish the Lathrop Park ice-hockey rink just to put money into the contingency fund. And I'd find a way to get Mrs. Hammaker to finally remove those awful ceramic gnomes from her front lawn. With me at the helm, property values in our neighborhood would skyrocket. I'd be made GHA Homeowner Of The Year, and then what? The school board? City council? The sky's the limit. I've just got to start fucking and sucking.

I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm going to use my tits and ass to my advantage, because it's apparent that talent alone isn't going to cut it. And I'm ready to start: After next Friday's meeting, I'm going to make GHA Vice-President Bob Voskuil an offer he can't refuse.

I can picture it already. My first act as a board member will be to propose an administrative resolution permitting residents to install rain gutters or other functional external adornments without first filing an "Approval Of Alterations & Additions To Existing Structures" form with the GHA, so long as the structural modifications adhere to standard specifications set by the Architectural Control Committee.

But first I've got to get on that board, baby.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close