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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Watching N. Aeschylus Grow

It is a bitter-sweet season at the Zweibel mansion. Though my sweet betrothed, Miss Bernadette Fiske, has perished from a swooning fit brought on by extreme womanliness, her delicate, lithe-limbed beauty lives on in our square-headed, seven-foot-tall baby boy, N. Aeschylus. The clangor of his iron feet as he frolics about the mansion is just the tonic my nerves require. I had forgotten the wonder that is a Zweibel-child!

I shall remember you forever, my lost love, and have established the Miss Bernadette Fiske Sanitarium For The Prevention & Cure Of Femininity in your memory. But our dear, sweet son has driven all anguish from my ulcerated heart!

Tear the black mourning-crepe from my grounds-keepers! Defestoon my 60-foot statue of its funeral-bunting! T. Herman Zweibel shall mourn no more! The gay company of my son N. Aeschylus has become the joy of my twilight years. His stiff-legged, hedge-decimating romps through the estate's greensward, the curious manner in which his piercing red eyes behold each bird and butter-fly, and the fact that he is so God-damned big, swell my concave chest with paternal pride. How he reminds me of myself at that age!

Yet N. Aeschylus reminds me particularly of my other sons. I have always whelped the most diabolical little shit-flingers ever to orally mastectomize a wet-nurse, and N. Aeschylus will be no different. I wish his older brothers were here to while away the after-noons with him in boyish sport. But the age difference is far too great. In fact, some of them may even be dead.

What charming brats they were! U. Fairfax was fond of luring his governess into the steam-thresher, well aware that his tiny frame could slip between the great mechanical threshing-knives where she could not. G. Talmadge and R. Buckminster, my twin sons, were fond of fomenting individual mayhem and then blaming the other boy. V. Lucius was quite fond of clubs, with which he would often beat me. It was he who gifted me Mr. Tin, the giant mechanical ro-bot man who eludes me to this very day, and who must not threaten my dear, dear son!

Curse you, Mr. Tin! Show yourself!

An emergency! I must go! Just now, Standish attempted to restrain poor N. Aeschylus from consuming a pint of 40-weight rock oil and was surprised by the boy's vigorous response. I must now direct my servants in fetching Standish's limp body from the mansion's roof. My boys have always been a precocious brood!

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