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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Wave To Everyone Who Passes By Or Get Off My Boat

Ok, that is it. I'm cutting the engines. We are not moving from this spot until one thing is made perfectly clear: Every single person aboard The Relaxer will wave exuberantly at anyone we pass or anyone who passes us, whether they are on shore or aboard another watercraft of any type, from cigarette boat on down to canoe. No exceptions.

If you cannot follow this one rule—a rule that everyone else out here on Keuka Lake seems to have no problem adhering to—then you can get the hell off my boat.

You know, I turned a blind eye when some of you chose to eschew the neon pink, tropical-themed beer koozies that I have provided both to keep your beverages cold and as an added signifier of summer fun. And I bit my tongue when you, Dave, boarded The Relaxer wearing jeans—jeans, for God's sake. But to sit at the helm looking at your cow-like stares while I wave my heart out at a couple passing by on a Sea-Doo, well, that's more than I can stand for.

You made me look like a fool. A goddamn fool! From this second forward, if you don't wave, then I hope you can fucking swim.

Since most of you seem to be at a total loss as to appropriate leisure-time behavior aboard a vessel as fine as a 1999 Sea Ray 450 Sundancer, let me make this as explicit as possible. Waving unaccompanied by a loud "whoooooo!" or "paaarty!" is not waving. Waving with the hand in which you are holding a beer not only fails to qualify as waving, but is also tacky, rude, and, above all, lazy. If you are holding an infant, then I expect you to take the infant's hand and move it around in such a way as to simulate the baby's waving to the people we pass.

And if I catch any of you saluting, so help me God, I'll back up over you with the propellers after I've thrown you overboard.

By the way, if you think that being on the wakeboard, or the water skis, or even the inner tube exempts you from waving, then you are dead wrong. Whatever is being towed by The Relaxer is an extension of The Relaxer, and you will therefore be expected to behave in a manner that reflects that. Now, I realize that in instances of choppy water, waving might compromise your balance, as well as your overall mobility. In these situations, I don't necessarily expect you to wave. However, you goddamn better well be smiling, laughing, and generally showing people how much fucking fun we're having.

And just so we're absolutely crystal clear: Dragging your hand through the water while the boat is moving? You're off the boat. Any utterance of "shiver me timbers"? You're off the boat. Asking to drive? You're off the fucking boat faster than you think is even—wait, hold on a second….

Whooooooo! Yeah! Paaaarty!

Now, we're going to make three and a half more loops of the lake, and I expect to see you all waving and hollering at every man, woman, child, and dog we see. Waving and hollering like your goddamn lives depend on it. For some of you older passengers, it very well might. It's a pretty long way to shore for someone with rheumatoid arthritis, Martha.

I sincerely hope all of you will be joining me when I dock at Froggy's later for margaritas.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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