We Can Have Babies Whenever You Want To

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Vol 34 Issue 12

Bourbon Helps Carpet Salesman Forget About Carpeting For Awhile

HOUSTON–Carpet salesman Martin Janowski, 53, was able to forget about carpeting for just a little while Monday after consuming a fifth of Jim Beam Kentucky bourbon. "For a few glorious moments, I cleared my mind of Anso II Stainmaster Plus and Bigelow Dura-Plush carpeting," said Janowski, a 26-year employee of CarpetMart in Houston. "The bourbon made the floor coverings go away. "To help him forget about carpeting tomorrow night, Janowski said he will likely employ Southern Comfort, Johnnie Walker Red, or some combination thereof.

First-Grader Reeks Of Urine

WAUKEGAN, IL–A distinct urine odor was detected in the vicinity of area first-grader Josh Mills Monday. Though the presence of urine was not confirmed, Mills' history of pants-soakage led a majority of classmates and school faculty members to conclude that there was a loss of bladder control on the 6-year-old's part. School psychologist Charlotte Gehl stressed that Mills just moved to Waukegan a few months ago and needs lots of support to help him fit in.

Shark Attack Claims Life Of Some Guy On TV

SOME BEACH–The life of this one guy on TV was cut tragically short Monday when this giant killer shark ripped the shit out of him during a segment of Fox's When Animals Attack IV. "The guy was just swimming and, like, out of nowhere, this huge shark starts totally tearing him apart," said stunned, shaken viewer Jonathan Hassell, 20, who failed to brace himself for the wildest When Animals Attack yet. "I was like, 'Holy shit, dude.'" The one guy's identity is not known.

Morbidly Obese Man Enjoys Disabled Privileges With Motorized Cart

MESA, AZ–Former fat lump of crap Joseph Woodring joined the ranks of the disabled Monday with the purchase of a Rascal(TM)-brand motorized cart. "I am pleased to make the move from morbidly obese to differently abled," said the 410-pound Woodring, careening through EastTowne Mall on his electrically powered whale transporter. "My newfound handicapped status has truly given me a new lease on convenience." Woodring then motored off to the mall's food court for a McRib Deluxe Extra Value Meal.

The Tyson Reinstatement

Last week, a team of psychologists declared boxer Mike Tyson–suspended by the Nevada State Athletic Commission last year for biting off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear–"troubled" but fit to fight. What do you think about Tyson's bid for reinstatement?

I Know What Is Best For Everyone

Listen to me, because I know what is best for everyone. There are a great many problems facing America today, and I have all the answers to all of them.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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We Can Have Babies Whenever You Want To

I just want you to know that we can start having babies whenever you want to. Not that we have to have our first one right now, of course. I mean, we always said we wanted to wait until we were ready, and I still do. It's just that we've been married for almost a whole year now. So, I just want you to know that whenever you feel like you're ready to start having the children, just go ahead and tell me.

I don't want to seem pushy, but I just know you'll make the greatest daddy. I'm willing to play it by ear, I really am, but we need to plan, or the time will slip right by, and we won't even notice. We want to give our children the best years of our lives, right? We don't want to be selfish, do we?

Don't worry, it's no big deal. It's not urgent or anything. I was just thinking about it because my mom was asking when we were going to have some kids. My sister Judy is a year and a half younger than I am, and she and Greg are on their third already. Imagine that! Me, almost 26, and not even a single child yet.

Oh my gosh, I just realized I'm almost 30. If we wait much longer, when our fourth child graduates from high school, we'll both be at least 55–and almost 60 by the time we're grandparents. But if that's okay with you, I guess it's okay with me.

Just yesterday, I was thinking about that back room. Right now, it's just being used to store the Christmas decorations and my sewing supplies. I could move the sewing machine and that table into the basement, no problem, and, just like that, we'd have an open bedroom. It's mostly homemade baby clothes and blankets stacked up in there, anyway.

So, you see, it's not like we'd even need a bigger house. I know we said we wanted to wait until we could afford a nicer place, but now that I think about it, that wouldn't matter at all while the first baby is still small. Sure, we'd want to move by the time the babies were older, but there are a lot of nice places available. I saw a beautiful four-bedroom split-level over on Maple Street with a sign on the lawn. I have the realtor's number in my purse.

But, like I said, I want to wait as long as you do. After all, we're raising this child together. Of course, you can keep right on at the construction company, because I wouldn't mind taking a few years off to stay at home. I talked to Dr. Fassell last week, and he said I would always have a job to return to at the dental clinic.

You know, once I go off birth control, it still might take awhile to get pregnant. I've heard of couples trying for years to conceive. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to stop taking the pill now, so that when we decide we want to have our first we'll be totally ready? In fact, maybe we should start trying right now, just so that we're not disappointed if it takes longer than we thought. Only if you think that's a good idea, though.

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