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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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We Can Have Babies Whenever You Want To

I just want you to know that we can start having babies whenever you want to. Not that we have to have our first one right now, of course. I mean, we always said we wanted to wait until we were ready, and I still do. It's just that we've been married for almost a whole year now. So, I just want you to know that whenever you feel like you're ready to start having the children, just go ahead and tell me.

I don't want to seem pushy, but I just know you'll make the greatest daddy. I'm willing to play it by ear, I really am, but we need to plan, or the time will slip right by, and we won't even notice. We want to give our children the best years of our lives, right? We don't want to be selfish, do we?

Don't worry, it's no big deal. It's not urgent or anything. I was just thinking about it because my mom was asking when we were going to have some kids. My sister Judy is a year and a half younger than I am, and she and Greg are on their third already. Imagine that! Me, almost 26, and not even a single child yet.

Oh my gosh, I just realized I'm almost 30. If we wait much longer, when our fourth child graduates from high school, we'll both be at least 55–and almost 60 by the time we're grandparents. But if that's okay with you, I guess it's okay with me.

Just yesterday, I was thinking about that back room. Right now, it's just being used to store the Christmas decorations and my sewing supplies. I could move the sewing machine and that table into the basement, no problem, and, just like that, we'd have an open bedroom. It's mostly homemade baby clothes and blankets stacked up in there, anyway.

So, you see, it's not like we'd even need a bigger house. I know we said we wanted to wait until we could afford a nicer place, but now that I think about it, that wouldn't matter at all while the first baby is still small. Sure, we'd want to move by the time the babies were older, but there are a lot of nice places available. I saw a beautiful four-bedroom split-level over on Maple Street with a sign on the lawn. I have the realtor's number in my purse.

But, like I said, I want to wait as long as you do. After all, we're raising this child together. Of course, you can keep right on at the construction company, because I wouldn't mind taking a few years off to stay at home. I talked to Dr. Fassell last week, and he said I would always have a job to return to at the dental clinic.

You know, once I go off birth control, it still might take awhile to get pregnant. I've heard of couples trying for years to conceive. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to stop taking the pill now, so that when we decide we want to have our first we'll be totally ready? In fact, maybe we should start trying right now, just so that we're not disappointed if it takes longer than we thought. Only if you think that's a good idea, though.

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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