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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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We Can Put A Man On The Moon, But We Can't Make Killer Robot Police?

Every time I watch the news, I see another story about all the wonderful things NASA is doing in outer space. I know, I know, it's all supposed to be very impressive and exciting. But to be honest, it just boils my blood. I mean, the federal government can put a man on the moon, but it can't build a killer robot police force to keep the cars from roaring down my street at 45 miles per hour? What kind of priorities do we have in this country?

Just the other day, there was a big article in the Danville Tribune-Gleaner about the growing truancy problem among our town's youths. And then I read in USA Today how the government is spending $40 billion on outer-space surveillance satellites. Couldn't they put some of that satellite money to better use by constructing space-based laser cannons in geocentric orbit above Danville High to make sure our schoolchildren aren't skipping class?

And for a fraction of what NASA spends on all that Mars rover monkey business, I could have a radio-wave-controlled stun gun that would finally stop those kids from stealing all the fruit off my Paula Red apple tree.

It is painfully obvious that the government has the money and resources to build a high-energy force field around every single American, yet it doesn't. I mean, when I'm out grocery shopping, it's darn near impossible to keep my belongings secure. Are a few measly cameras in the corners of the Foodland really going to deter a thief? What about my handbag? The pictures in my wallet of little Kevin and Annie are irreplaceable! (I'm only going to be a grandmother once, you know! Unless, of course, the government finally gets on the ball with those cryogenic pods.)

And that Hubble telescope, there's a real beaut. Who needs to know if there's life out in space trillions of light years away, anyway? As long as the spacemen don't come running through my yard right after it rains, leaving inch-deep footprints in my lawn like the Jiminez boys do, I don't care who they are! If only NASA had aimed that telescope at Danville instead of Pluto, you can bet my new azalea bushes wouldn't have been destroyed.

It's shameful the way our downtown has been allowed to degenerate, what with soda-pop cans and candy-bar wrappers strewn on the sidewalks everywhere. Just thinking about all the millions spent on that Mir station gets me in a dither when I look around Danville and see trash everywhere, with no retractable vacuum-dome to suck it up.

And it sure would cut down on those ill-mannered smokers who light up right next to "No Smoking" signs if their cigarettes were knocked from their hands by hovering cybernetic space bees. I have asthma, you know!

If I can't demand killer robot police, then the least I can expect is a laser-powered servo-motored patrol-bot for my garage. How else will I know if it's a robber or just a raccoon rustling around out there late at night? I understand that in Sweden, every citizen is guaranteed a patrol-bot. But here in the world's richest nation, we go without! The sheer wastefulness of our government makes me sick!

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