We Have All The Time In The World To Find A Cure For Diabetes

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Vol 37 Issue 08

Guidance Counselor Prefaces SAT Results By Talking About Test's Flaws

MAHWAH, NJ–In a preamble that boded poorly for the academic future of Mahwah High School senior Kevin Stember, guidance counselor Elvin Cross prefaced Stember's SAT scores by downplaying the test's reliability and worth Monday. "You know, the SAT is a flawed, inexact measure of one's abilities," a grim-faced Cross told Stember. "It measures what you know rather than what you're capable of doing." Cross added that there are many essential real-life skills the SAT fails to gauge, like punching in on time and maintaining a clean uniform.

Eminem Releases Single About Hugging Elton John At Grammys Then Ripping His Dick Off With Pliers

LOS ANGELES–With the nation still buzzing over his Feb. 21 Grammy Awards duet with Elton John, Eminem released a single Tuesday inspired by the performance. Among the song's lyrics: "I was at the Grammys and Elton John gave me a hug / So I got out my pliers and ripped his little faggot dick off with a tug / Shoved it down the throats of Britney, then Christina A. / Probably gave both of the bitches AIDS." John praised the song as "brave" and "coming from a very pure place."

Greenspan Considering Role In Ocean's Eleven Remake

WASHINGTON, DC–Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan confirmed Monday that he is considering a role in the upcoming remake of the 1960 Rat Pack heist caper Ocean's Eleven. "Tell [director Steven] Soderbergh I get the Dean Martin part, or he can take a flying hike," Greenspan, already in character, was overheard telling his manager at the posh D.C. eatery La Gondola. "I'm not canceling three weeks at Caesar's for the Lawford part. I can act rings around that fairy boy Brad Pitt and still satisfy five dames before his pants are off. Bada bing."

Television Executive's Baby Cancelled In Development Stage

LOS ANGELES–Deeming the fetus "not viable at this time," ABC vice-president of programming Lew Schaffer pulled the plug Monday on his unborn child after 11 weeks in development. "The baby was making impressive progress," Schaffer said. "But, unfortunately, it did not meet the needs of this network's vice-president of programming at this time." Schaffer expressed sympathy for Liz Harris, his former personal assistant and the fetus' co-creator, saying: "This was a hard decision, because I know this thing was really Liz's baby."

Improving NASCAR Safety

NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt's fatal crash at the Daytona 500 on Feb. 18 has prompted widespread calls for tougher safety measures. What steps is NASCAR taking?

Twister Party Fails To Get Dirty

LOUISVILLE, KY–Despite expectations that a group of adults playing the physically demanding Milton Bradley game would degenerate into a sexual free-for-all, University of Louisville graduate student Amanda Corcoran's invite-only Twister party failed to get dirty, a disappointed party attendee reported Saturday.

Layoffs And The R-Word

Every day, another major company announces thousands of layoffs, stoking fears of an economic recession. What do you think?

Government Report On Illiteracy Copied Straight From Encyclopedia

WASHINGTON, DC–Scandal erupted Monday, when it was discovered that a recent Department of Education report on illiteracy was copied directly from the 1982 Encyclopedia Britannica. "Illiteracy is the inability to read," the plagiarized report read in part. "It affects many nations, including the United States." Responding to the controversy, Education Secretary Rod Paige argued that the department was told it could use Library of Congress materials in reports.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

We Have All The Time In The World To Find A Cure For Diabetes

Did you know that diabetes is the seventh leading cause of death in the U.S.? Seventh. That's really not that bad. Cancer, heart disease, Alzheimer's–now those are bad. But diabetes is not exactly a disease we need to race against the clock to cure.

Every day in this country, thousands of diabetes sufferers die of this disease and its complications. Of course, the vast majority of sufferers do not. All in all, we're only talking about 65,000 deaths per year, tops. Not 65 million, but 65,000. With the total U.S. population approaching 300 million, diabetes can hardly be called a national crisis.

There is no huge rush.

As director of the American Diabetes Foundation, I know all too well that diabetes isn't going anywhere. So when you consider making a financial contribution to ADF, think again. That money might be better spent on a more pressing ailment. After all, why panic over a disease that's not even in the top five? Our time and resources would certainly be better spent curing the number-one killer, heart disease, or even improving vehicle safety.

Diabetes can be serious. It can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, blindness, and kidney failure. Luckily, these complications occur in just a small percentage of diabetes sufferers. Not only that, if you're suffering from these complications, chances are you're probably not following the treatment plan outlined by your doctor. So is it really fair to force a team of top medical researchers to skip their summer vacations to help a bunch of people who are irresponsible about their own health?

Diabetes is a problem, but it's a problem most of us can live with. And while it's true that diabetes cases are rising, they're doing so in accordance with rising levels of obesity–exactly what we thought would happen. This definitely isn't AIDS. Diabetes is not contagious or mysterious. It's not like we need to hold some major world conference or sew a diabetes quilt or anything.

They say slow and steady wins the race. That's why our goal is to eradicate this semi-dread disease by 2340. Top medical professionals across the nation will be working on it, but they certainly shouldn't feel any huge pressure. We must forge ahead in search of a cure for diabetes, but we must remember that diabetes researchers have lives and families, too.

You may not have diabetes, but, chances are, you know someone who does. Or, at least, you know someone who knows someone who does. Not that you'd ever ask around to find that out. That would be weird. But let's just assume there's some friend of a friend out there with diabetes. That person, assuming he or she is under the care of a qualified physician, really doesn't need your help. As long as that person takes insulin, minds his or her health and diet, and visits the doctor regularly, he or she should be able to lead a normal life. No need to panic there.

All Americans should be aware of the serious complications of diabetes. Or at least those Americans who actually have diabetes. Luckily, clinics and hospitals already have tons of informational pamphlets and brochures that can be distributed to diabetics. So there really isn't much to do in the awareness-raising arena, either.

As ADF director, I care a great deal about diabetes. But, keeping things in perspective, I realize that diabetes isn't important to every person in the country. That would be selfish of me to expect others to care about diabetes as much as I do just because it's my particular field. It certainly wouldn't mean much to me if I were, say, an electrician. And I certainly wouldn't like it if some electrician were constantly hassling me about wire safety or something.

At this very moment, scientists are exploring numerous possible cures for diabetes. They're experimenting with pancreas transplants and artificial pancreases. Other researchers are attempting to cure diabetes through genetic manipulation. But that kind of cure is way off. Way, way off. Besides, if medical science ever does master genetic manipulation, we'd certainly be better off using it to eliminate something like multiple sclerosis. The important thing to remember, though, is that no matter what diabetes cure lies ahead, it can happen without your help.

Well, who knows what the future holds in store? Let's hope it brings a cure, you know, sooner or later.

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