We Have Confirmation That Someone Has Tested A Thanatos Device

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Vol 40 Issue 24

New Alternative-Fuel SUV Will Deplete World's Hydrogen By 2070

DETROIT—Ford announced a Sept. 3 rollout date for its new Ford Foresight, a hydrogen-powered SUV that, if it reaches sales projections, will deplete the earth's supply of hydrogen by 2070. "America has asked for a car that does not use fossil fuels, and we've delivered," Ford CEO William Ford Jr. said Monday. "With an engine nearly 20 times as powerful as that of our gas-burning SUV, the 11-ton Foresight will be unaffected by the price-gouging whims of OPEC, as it uses water electrolysis to gather fuel from the oceans and the fresh mountain air." Ford acknowledged that, when hydrogen supplies are depleted, the usefulness of the Foresight, as well as life on earth as we know it, will end.

No One Notices Area Man's Marginal Attempts To Change

MIDLAND, TX—No one in Jacob Grant's life has noticed his minor attempts to become a "more thoughtful and considerate person," the new-and-improved man reported Monday. "I'm just asking for a little recognition," said Grant, who in the past week purchased a pack of cigarettes for a friend, complimented his girlfriend's new haircut, and allowed his brother to eat the last samosa. "After all, it's not like I particularly enjoy holding elevator doors open." Despite the lack of positive feedback, Grant said he plans to give his new plan at least another day or two.

Cryptozoologist Falls For It Again

LUBBOCK, TX—Will Reiser, an expert in the field of unsubstantiated creatures, was duped again Tuesday, when he said he'd finally found proof of the existence of the elusive Chupacabra, a quill-covered creature that feasts on the blood of livestock. "The right shank of the goat carcass I discovered on my doorstep bore the Chupacabra's distinctive cross-hatched fang pattern," Reiser said. "I have to say I'm surprised that the quills poking out of the body so closely resemble those of the hedgehog indigenous to this area." Reiser's next-door neighbor, Dan Swelter, is currently laughing his ass off.

Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented

WASHINGTON, DC—According to key members of the Bush Administration, the tragic proceedings of the 9/11 commission, which devastated the political lives of numerous government officials, could have been averted with preventive action in 2002 and 2003.

Memorializing Reagan

People around the world have spent the last week and a half honoring Ronald Reagan. What were some of the events?

Internet Pedophilia Crackdown

A multinational police team plans to patrol Internet chatrooms as part of a crackdown on child pornography and pedophilia. What do you think?
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We Have Confirmation That Someone Has Tested A Thanatos Device

Thank you for seeing us on such short notice, sir. Please take a seat. Coffee? Brandy? My humidor is open to you, if you wish. I apologize for taking you away from your family with so little warning, but events have overtaken us—events which, as you'll soon see, involve our entire organization. Sir, what I am about to tell you is known by only 11 people in the Western world—the seven of us in this room, the Acting Director, and the three pertinent members of the Staff Council. Though I know you to be circumspect and discreet, I'm afraid this is no ordinary intelligence briefing. The issue at hand is beyond the scope of even our long-term Global Strategy 7. If you'd like to sit down, we'll begin.

We have received confirmation that, somewhere in the great Garagum desert in Turkmenistan, an organization unknown to us has successfully tested a Thanatos device.

Now, in light of that rather staggering fact—sir? Why, yes, by all means avail yourself of the coffee. Here, allow me to add the brandy, your hands are... there. Yes, I understand, sir. Take your time.

Yes, so, in light of this startling fact, we are positioning all available field resources appropriately. We need two things from you at your very earliest convenience. You must provide me with a list of people who may possibly have aided the Turkmen in the development of the device. And secondly—well, I'm terribly sorry, sir, but this business we're in... Of course, we'll need your signed resignation on my desk by this time tomorrow.

Yes, of course—if there is a tomorrow, indeed. The Thanatos device does make one nostalgic for the old days of mutually assured nuclear destruction and its attendant comfort of shelter beneath the mountains. Even the phrase, "mutually assured nuclear destruction," seems rather quaint now, doesn't it?

No one at the department, least of all myself, believes that anything was deliberately hidden from us, but certain knowledge concerning Californium-298 and the more, shall we say, chthonic properties of tachyons—I must admit it gives me pause.

Getting to the point, sir, I was approached yesterday by your department's own Herr Professor-Doktor Steinesser, a man whom I know by rumor and reputation. Until this morning, the two working Thanatic resonators fabricated by his predecessor were believed to be the only examples of their kind. He had instructions to bypass your office and report directly to me in certain contingencies. This was one. Steinesser's team detected bursts of theta-amplitude pseudoparticles coruscating from Turkmenistan three days ago. Being aware of the anti-temporal nature of his field, he knew to look for unusually high activity in the teracycle bands, curiously violent and unnaturally symmetrical sunspot formations, and small measurable lapses in general and relative causality. He claims they point to only one thing: their newfound Thanatic capability. Yes, someone was cunning and formidable enough to not only build a device, but to hide it from us, as well.

Please don't worry about the carpet.

So, protocol demands that you cede control of your department to me and retire to our complex on the Peninsula. You'll remain here for no more than 36 hours in an advisory capacity, and then you're off to join your family. They are being moved at this very minute. I wish I could say I know with 100 percent certainty that they'll be safe, but a rogue Thanatos... Yes, quite right.

And so we come to an end, old comrade. I'm sorry it had to be like this, but, well, this business we're in, eh? Exactly, exactly, duty above all. Best traditions of the Departments, potentia est and all that. It'll be me someday, you know, and I can't say I'll be completely sorry. In any case, best to the family. They'll enjoy the Peninsula, and so will you. The debriefing for your retirement is far from strenuous, and the fishing there... Certainly wish I could visit. I certainly do.

Yes. Goodbye, Bertie. Farewell.

Everyone else, your aircraft leave for Turkmenistan at Zulu 400. We're done here. Thank you. And God save us all.

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