adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

We Hope You Enjoyed Your Stay In The Room Our Daughter Died In!

Headed out already? Why, it seems like you just got here. Boy, did you ever luck out with the weather this weekend—warmest days we've had all year! Before you go, we just want to say thank you for choosing our bed and breakfast, and we hope you had a relaxing and enjoyable stay in the Lilac Room, where our beloved daughter Elizabeth was confined for six years while she slowly died of an incurable illness.

Did you find the accommodations to your liking? I must say, it's our favorite bedroom here at the B and B, and not just because it's the last place we ever got to hold our sweet, emaciated little angel before fate cruelly ripped her away from us. All that French lace, the exquisite old steamer trunk, and those beautiful oil paintings of woodland streams are just so becoming! It's such a serene, calming space.

That is, as long as a disease isn't eating away at your frail, failing organs, causing you to waste away from the inside out.

I'm sure you noticed the lovely hand-carved Victorian vanity in the corner. It's been in our family for four generations, can you believe that? Oh, how Elizabeth loved those floral inlays—she adored flowers! In fact, the bedroom looks just the same as it did years ago when her pure, innocent body was laid in that child-sized casket and lowered into the earth forever, the remains of a blithe, spirited youth who would never laugh or dance or braid her hair again.

Well, the room isn't completely the same, of course. The countless vials of painkillers, the syringes, the feeding tubes, and all the equipment needed to drain the infected cerebrospinal fluid from her swollen skull are gone. And we replaced the mechanical ventilator with that delightful antique Shaker side table where the single-cup coffee maker sits. Aren't those contraptions the best? One wonders how we ever lived without them!

Lizzy was only 11.

Did you enjoy the Lilac Room's breathtaking view of the mountains? You should see it in autumn. The foliage alone is worth a trip back, believe me! Of course, that window was our dear Elizabeth's only view of the outside world as her joints and muscles calcified into a gnarled mass of flesh and bone, painfully locking her body in grotesque contortions that restricted her to the queen-sized bed in which you two lovebirds spent the past three relaxing—and hopefully romantic—nights!

That's a real brass bed frame from the 1800s, by the way! Isn't it stunning? We would tell Elizabeth it made her look like a princess each time we tucked her in, and later, each time we had to forcibly restrain her small, brittle limbs for her own safety during her increasingly violent seizures. Did you sleep well in it?

You two were celebrating your anniversary, right? Wow, nine years. Congratulations! Savor every moment, I say. You never know when a loved one will come down with what looks at first like a common cold but then slowly destroys all her physical faculties but cruelly leaves her mind intact to fully contemplate the excruciating and inevitable fate that awaits her.

Did I mention the claw-foot tub in the bathroom is original to the house?

You're probably eager to hit the road, but can we get you anything before you head out? We have a few of those homemade cranberry-orange muffins left from breakfast. They were Elizabeth's favorite back when she could still tolerate solid foods, before those final three agonizing years when even a bite of soda cracker would cause her to cough up blackened fluid and leave her gasping and struggling in genuine fear for her life.

You know, she actually got better for a little while there right before the end. I'd call it a blessing, but to be honest, it mostly served to fill everyone with a few weeks of false hope before she slipped away from us forever.

Anyhow, here's our business card, and if you're so inclined, we'd be grateful if you wrote a brief online review of your stay here. It would mean a lot to us. Remember, returning guests get a free upgrade to the French Country Suite upstairs where I had my miscarriage!

Have a safe drive, now, and be sure to mention us to your friends!

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close