adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

We Must Act Now Against The Barbary Pirates

Booooo! It is I, the ghost of Herman Ulysses Zweibel, founder of The Onion, or, as it was originally known, The Mercantile-Onion. Booooo!

Normally, my wraith is cursed to wander the Earth chained to a printing-press. But lately, I have found work in a series of educational "film-strips" for schoolchildren on pioneer America. I enjoy telling the little shavers tales of my rugged life on the frontier and am awed by the "film-strip" invention itself. I thought the apex of ingenuity was the breech-loading rifle, but I now must amend this opinion. However, I do find the piercing chime that cues the teacher to advance the "film-strip" to the next image quite disconcerting.

Although I am but a ghost, I still take an interest in the news-worthy events of the present day, and, just as in the days when I was a strapping young news-paper editor on the frontier, I am often inspired to alert others to threats against our democracy. For example, it shocks me to learn that the Republic of the United-States does not find it necessary to protect its sea-men against the ruthless maraudings of the pirates of the Barbary Coast.

Yes, President Jefferson sent some of our sturdiest man o'wars to Tripoli to wage battle against the scurvy dogs, and a peace treaty was signed in 1806. But it is at this juncture that we should be most vigilant, as the Barbary corsairs are unscrupulous and could lash out against us with nary a warning.

I tried to alert my son and heir, T. Herman Zweibel, of this threat to the Republic, but as I appeared above his bed, he merely screamed and fainted.

It is just like that wastrel to spend all his time lollygagging in bed when a fleet of Barbary frigates could drop anchor in New-York harbor at any time! T. Herman has always been a burden: He could not wait to drop out of my wife's womb, even though she was in the middle of spring ploughing, and he has been causing trouble ever since.

Perhaps it is just as well that he fainted when he did, for it meant he couldn't dictate his column for this week, and that I could take over the space to warn of the imminent pirate attack. Citizens! Lock away your valuables! Oil your muskets! The Barbary pirates are nigh!

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close