We Must Act Now Against The Barbary Pirates

In This Section

Vol 33 Issue 24

Comedy Central Celebrates One Millionth Airing Of Cheech & Chong: Still Smokin'

NEW YORK—Comedy Central reached a milestone at 3 a.m. EST Monday, when it aired Cheech & Chong: Still Smokin' for the one millionth time. "This is a film that deserves to be seen again and again," said Comedy Central president Alan Scherr of Still Smokin', which ranks ninth on AFI's listing of the 100 greatest films of all time. "This landmark 1983 work, in which Cheech and Chong journey to Amsterdam to raise money for a bankrupt film festival by holding a dope-a-thon, is an enduring, towering classic. Cheech displays an astonishing acting range in the film, playing characters ranging from Limey Bitters to Tristan DeNiteaway, to the uproarious E.T. parody, 'Eddie Torres, the Extra-Testicle.' See it hundreds of times."

Local Christian Sees Parallel To Your Situation In Bible

TALLAHASSEE, FL—According to local Christian Matthew Peete, a remarkable parallel exists between your current situation and events chronicled in The Bible. "You know, when Job was being tormented by the Devil, he felt like giving up, the same as you," Peete said. "But Job had faith that God would deliver him, and He did. You need to have faith, because, just as God tested Job, the Lord is testing you with your wife's infidelity."

Industrial Light & Magic Creates Believable Storyline

SAN RAFAEL, CA—In the special-effects company's most dazzling achievement yet, Industrial Light & Magic has created a storyline for the upcoming sci-fi thriller Orbital Velocity that is actually believable. The storyline, developed by ILM technicians using state-of-the-art 3-D computer imaging, is said to be even more plausible and non-contradictory than Godzilla's. "By digitally enhancing the original draft of the script, we were able to create a plot that is virtually linear," said ILM technician Colin Northrop. "When you see it up there on the screen, you'll swear you were watching something engaging."

Area Fifth-Grader Won't Shut Up About Raccoons

GOSHEN, IN—For the 41st straight day, Goshen fifth-grader Peter Driscoll refused to shut up about raccoons Tuesday. "The largest raccoon ever recorded weighed over 60 pounds," Driscoll said. "Baby raccoons are called kits and gestate for 63 days." "He just won't stop with the damn raccoons," said Valerie Driscoll, Peter's mother. "I don't know how much more of this I can take." Peter also noted that the name "raccoon" comes from the Algonquin word "arakun," which means "one who scratches with his hands."

NYC Health Department Cracks Down On Food Vendors Who Fail To Wipe Off Meat With Rag

NEW YORK—New York City Health Department officials announced a major crackdown on non-meat-wiping food vendors Monday. "Effective June 30, when a hot dog falls to the pavement, the vendor must pick it up and wipe it thoroughly with a rag before selling it," Deputy Health Commissioner Louis Holman said. "Further, the rag must be kept at least two feet off the ground and rinsed weekly." The new ordinance is the strictest passed by the city's Health Department since a 1996 law requiring food-service workers to be fully clothed.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Personal Finance

We Must Act Now Against The Barbary Pirates

Booooo! It is I, the ghost of Herman Ulysses Zweibel, founder of The Onion, or, as it was originally known, The Mercantile-Onion. Booooo!

Normally, my wraith is cursed to wander the Earth chained to a printing-press. But lately, I have found work in a series of educational "film-strips" for schoolchildren on pioneer America. I enjoy telling the little shavers tales of my rugged life on the frontier and am awed by the "film-strip" invention itself. I thought the apex of ingenuity was the breech-loading rifle, but I now must amend this opinion. However, I do find the piercing chime that cues the teacher to advance the "film-strip" to the next image quite disconcerting.

Although I am but a ghost, I still take an interest in the news-worthy events of the present day, and, just as in the days when I was a strapping young news-paper editor on the frontier, I am often inspired to alert others to threats against our democracy. For example, it shocks me to learn that the Republic of the United-States does not find it necessary to protect its sea-men against the ruthless maraudings of the pirates of the Barbary Coast.

Yes, President Jefferson sent some of our sturdiest man o'wars to Tripoli to wage battle against the scurvy dogs, and a peace treaty was signed in 1806. But it is at this juncture that we should be most vigilant, as the Barbary corsairs are unscrupulous and could lash out against us with nary a warning.

I tried to alert my son and heir, T. Herman Zweibel, of this threat to the Republic, but as I appeared above his bed, he merely screamed and fainted.

It is just like that wastrel to spend all his time lollygagging in bed when a fleet of Barbary frigates could drop anchor in New-York harbor at any time! T. Herman has always been a burden: He could not wait to drop out of my wife's womb, even though she was in the middle of spring ploughing, and he has been causing trouble ever since.

Perhaps it is just as well that he fainted when he did, for it meant he couldn't dictate his column for this week, and that I could take over the space to warn of the imminent pirate attack. Citizens! Lock away your valuables! Oil your muskets! The Barbary pirates are nigh!

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More