We Must Protect Our Daredevil Jobs From Cheap Foreign Labor

In This Section

Vol 40 Issue 47

FDA Okays Every Drug Pending Approval, Takes Rest Of Year Off

ROCKVILLE, MD—Commissioner Lester M. Crawford of the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that the FDA has cleared all 314 drugs pending approval—from Avoxildon to Zofax KB—and plans to take the remainder of the year off. "Hmm, 'Monozyklin... a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor... may cause irregular heart murmur'... That sounds reasonable," Crawford said, reading the drugs' intended uses from a checklist. "I'm sure Merck wouldn't have bothered making this if it didn't actually work. Approved!" Crawford said he'll use the rest of November to research his month-long Christmas travel plans.

Rick Steves Cleaned Out By Gypsies

LISBON—Rick Steves, host of the PBS series Rick Steves' Europe, was robbed by gypsies while wandering the labyrinthine streets of the Alfama Monday. "These quaint but rickety sailors' quarters no longer house salty men of the sea, but they do play host to a colorful array of vagabonds," Steves said, clapping along to a band of dancing Roma children while his watch was being stolen from his backpack by their mother. "Peak time for seeing these lively characters is before sunset, as darkness attracts a less savory element to the area." Bonus footage of Steves getting mugged by a street punk in Berlin will be available on the Season 3 DVD anthology.

7-Year-Old Puts On Uno Face

QUINTER, KS—Sophia Reed, 7, dominated Monday's Family Game Night, thanks in part to her inscrutable Uno face, family members reported. "She'd just sit as quiet as a church mouse, then hit me with a 'draw four wild card,'" said Leo Reed, Sophia's grandfather and Uno opponent. "Didn't matter whether I played blue, red, yellow, or green, that girl would not so much as twitch an eye after calling 'Uno'—until she laid down that last card. Then she giggled like crazy, the little monkey." Family members said Reed is also renowned for her super-steady Hungry Hungry Hippos trigger finger.

Alternative Theater Waits Three Hours For Stragglers

AUSTIN, TX—Maurice Juarez has held up an evening performance of Ashcans And Ticker Tape: A Treatise for three hours, hoping to get more late-arriving patrons, the owner and manager of the Austin ArtSpace theater reported. "People who enjoy alternative theater are all about opening their minds, so they don't pay attention to restrictive things like curtain times," said Juarez, who is also the play's author, director, producer, and choreographer. "I put up 200 flyers, so I fully expect this show to sell out." As of press time, 14 of the theater's 22 seats remained empty.

Cabinet Shake-Up

Many members of Bush's cabinet recently resigned, with more expected to follow. Who's in, who's out, and why?

The Kmart-Sears Merger

Last week, Kmart bought Sears in a surprise $11 billion deal, creating the nation's third-largest retailer. What do you think?

Local Newswoman's Hairstyle Reported On By Co-Anchor

BALTIMORE—WMAR's TV2 News At 6 anchor Kent Niering reported on co-anchor Connie Everhart's recently altered hairstyle Monday night. "Well, it looks like Connie has a new 'do!" Niering said of Everhart's formerly shoulder-length hair, which she'd cut into a bob and dyed red over the weekend. "I think I speak for everyone here at WMAR when I say it looks fabulous!" Everhart smiled and thanked Niering for the compliment before throwing to a consumer-advocacy piece.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Small Business

We Must Protect Our Daredevil Jobs From Cheap Foreign Labor

To the casual circus attendee, the daredevil's job probably looks like it's all fun and games. But believe me, it's not nearly as easy as it seems. We daredevils put our lives on the line every day providing entertainment for the nation. Sure, we get to spend our days going over Niagara Falls in barrels and zooming around on motorcycles inside metal globes, but when the day is done, we're just like anyone else. We have families to raise, bills to pay, and looming fears that our jobs will be taken away by immigrants.

Daredevils have walked real tightropes for more than a century. Now, we walk metaphorical tightropes, too, with the unemployment line always looming beneath us.

Ten years ago, if you'd told me a daredevil from overseas could take away my job, I would've laughed in your face. I'd have told you all the greats were homegrown: Annie Taylor, Evel Knievel, that guy who climbed up the Golden Gate Bridge. All Americans, all classics. But our problem isn't a lack of talent: This country has plenty of men willing to put on a pair of roller skates and jump a row of 15 cars. The problem is that Ellis Island is crawling with Slovenians—each one more than willing to put on a pair of flaming roller skates and jump 20 cars for half the money.

Our notoriously porous borders are particularly vulnerable to human cannonballs and speeding motorcyclists from Mexico. There's nothing in place to quell the tide of daredevils flying over the Rio Grande and landing safely on American soil to steal our livelihoods. This rhinestone-studded locust swarm is prying the food right out of our death-defying mouths.

Worst of all, these foreigners have no regard for standards of conduct and safety. When you've been risking your life as long as I have, you learn how to better your odds with special nets and harnesses. We fought long and hard to make our ringmasters and fans see such precautions as necessities. All our years of hard work are shot to hell, though, the second some Indian agrees to be shot out of a cannon across a gorge with no net. Sure, a Kenyan will ride a unicycle across a 50-story-high steel beam without so much as a kneepad, and I grant you it's exciting. Gives me chills, and I'm a professional. But I guarantee you that the day something goes wrong, you'll wish you didn't have to explain to your kid why you took him out to see a man die. Hell, that's some show! Little Johnny'll never forget that one, that's for darn sure.

Look, what riles me up is not that this new group of daredevils is foreign-born, but that they don't care a whit about the sacred traditions of the profession of dare-devilry. Their devil-may-care attitude is jeopardizing the profession and everyone who has ever broken his back in its name. My great-grandparents came to this country from Italy with nothing but matching outfits and a dream to be the greatest silks-and-tissue aerialists the world had ever known. They had to invent themselves, one step at a time, like pioneers. My brothers and I devoted our lives to the stewardship of their proud tradition. Now, in the twilight of our lives, when we should be passing our gold lamé parachutes onto our sons, a reckless new breed from the hinterlands is usurping their birthright.

Take that French guy that calls himself Spider-Man. If he's French, shouldn't he call himself Spider-Homme? He's using an American daredevil name, but he's not even English! How about we let Americans climb American skyscrapers? You go climb the Eiffel Tower next time you're feeling frisky, Pepe. Leave the Sears Tower to us.

A lot of people say these outsiders are doing jobs no American wants, anyway. I strongly disagree. Flying through a burning hoop at a county fair may not be everyone's vision of the American dream, but shoot, you have to work your way up to igniting yourself at the top of Devils Tower. You build a name for yourself while you learn the ropes. But with the flood of cheap labor streaming over our borders, the bar has been raised. To secure a basic carnival job, beginner daredevils are forced to perform stunts so crazy, you'd think only someone who's suffered repeated head trauma would be willing to chance them.

When I think of the great opportunities I've had in this country, I am filled with pride. I've been wearing a star-spangled helmet for 20 years, risking life and limb to make people forget their problems, if only for a few minutes. I inspire people. They think, "If that man can remain in a tiger cage with a grizzly bear and four rattlesnakes for five minutes, what am I capable of?" But now, I must worry for my future. People no longer come to shows to see me cleverly cheat death with a bold display of showmanship—they want the possibility of death to be real and present. Face it: When I'm on the bill with some Angolan willing to bungee-jump 150 feet into a flaming barrel of gasoline while French-kissing a meth-stoked cobra, my stunt where I ride a tricycle across a tight-rope loses a little bit of its luster.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More