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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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We Raise All Our Beef Humanely On Open Pasture And Then We Hang Them Upside Down And Slash Their Throats

Consumers today are more conscientious than ever about the choices they make at the supermarket. They want to know that the food they put on the table for their family is all-natural, environmentally friendly, and humane. And that’s why we here at Nature’s Acres Ranch hold ourselves to a higher standard and produce only the finest grass-fed and 100 percent additive-free beef. We guarantee that our cows are ethically raised on sustainably grown pastures before we hang them upside down from a moving conveyor and slice their throats wide open.

Our independently owned family farm is committed to one guiding principle: making sure that you, the customer, receive the best-tasting, highest quality beef from cows that are healthy, active, and eventually suspended fully conscious inside a facility thick with hot, blood-choked air and the frantic bellows of dangling, profoundly fearful animals.

That’s our pledge to you.

As owner and president of Nature’s Acres and a lifelong rancher myself, let me assure you that our animals are treated with exceptional care using only traditional methods from the very second the calf is born on our farm, to the moment a cascade of blood showers from its gaping, half-severed neck, to the day our award-winning beef reaches the grocer’s case in the organic section.

When we shackle a chain to a hind leg of each of our cows and hoist its terrified, quivering frame 12 feet up to the rafters, we can see firsthand just how tender, meaty, and well-marbled its entire body is—and that means exceptional flavor for you and your family!

While frail and pharmaceutical-laden factory-farm cows just droop lifelessly while awaiting their deaths, our healthy, GMO-free cattle thrash about wildly in the air, very often tearing their own delicate flesh and shattering their leg bones in a hopeless attempt to flee to the nearby 100 percent organic grassland pastures where they were free to roam during their unnaturally truncated lives.

You can rest easy with the knowledge that our cows are never, ever confined or cramped, and are entirely free-range until the day they turn 20 months old or hit 1,300 pounds, whichever comes first.

We here at Nature’s Acres know that the best quality meat comes from the best quality cows. That’s why our line of Angus and heritage Galloway cattle—hand-selected for superior taste and texture—provide ideal, gourmet cuts of beef, which we begin to extract from their still-gurgling and twitching bodies in the 20 to 120 seconds it takes from the initial incision to the moment their brains finally cease functioning. And of course our award-winning beef is flayed and butchered fresh on the spot, allowing the animal’s dangling, inverted brethren to look on with dilated, terror-filled eyes as they slowly advance one-by-one toward an identical and incomprehensibly traumatic fate.

And all of our meat—as well as the unfathomable amounts of blood, body fluids, and trimmings that drain from our cows into the vast 50,000-gallon collecting tank beneath our facility’s floor grating—is 100 percent hormone and antibiotic-free!

Now, that’s great for you and the environment!

There are certain things you can truly count on when you see that Nature’s Acres label at your local supermarket. One, our products are USDA certified organic. Two, every cut of Nature’s Acres beef is minimally processed and contains absolutely no artificial hormones or antibiotics—ever! Three, all of our cows were grasped by the nostrils using cast iron nose tongs and had their heads violently wrenched backward so we could slash right through their carotid artery and windpipe with an 18-inch blade. And four, you’ll experience a rich beef taste you just can’t beat. Mmm, mmm!

And you can take heart knowing that Nature’s Acres has earned the “Animal Welfare Approved” and “Certified Humane” seals of approval from independent inspectors.

So next time you choose a steak or ground chuck to throw on the grill, consider a healthier, more humane, and tastier option, and look no further than the Nature’s Acres Ranch line of products. We’re the one with the smiling cow on the label!

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